I have had many loves in my life. But as of late, a new love has come into my life and I think it only fair that I tell you about it.<\/p>\n
I have made it a practice here in RobZerrvations to lay out my entire life… the good, the bad and the downright ugly. So why not admit that I have a love affair going on and it’s been going on for some time.<\/p>\n
You see, my iPhone and I are virtually inseparable.<\/p>\n
It wasn’t so many years ago, that I never had to worry about having such a love. Back in the landline days, a cellphone would have been both a blessing and a curse. I can’t recall how many times that I was stranded on the side of a freeway or out in the middle of nowhere and needed to make a call. Even in their heyday, pay phones were few and far between in our world. Sure, you could find one hanging out at a local gas station, but if I was even remotely near a gas station I wouldn’t be having a problem with a broken down car, would I?<\/p>\n
Of course, there were times when I was glad cellphones hadn’t yet been invented. There was indeed a time in my life when I wanted to be hard to reach, and not necessarily for good reasons.<\/p>\n
The age-old excuse, “But honey, I couldn’t find a phone” or “I didn’t have a quarter” just doesn’t work in our connected world these days. Even if your cellphone is on the fritz, chances are very good that the person you are with has a cellphone. You might have to block the number so your significant other doesn’t know you’re dating her best friend, but still, cellphones make the old excuses implausible and downright lame.<\/p>\n
Our relationship wasn’t always so pleasant. I had a Razr before the iPhone came into my life. The thing was a nightmare. It was fine as a phone, but it wasn’t mistress material. Whenever I would run my fingers over its shiny keypad I got nothing but nonsense in a text because I could never figure out that I had to push the 3 three times to get an E. How does anyone text with a dumphone?<\/p>\n
But my with my new love, I can text with reckless abandon, even mastering the two thumb technique. And if I really want to turn on the afterburners, I can use my wireless keyboard. Just try to keep up with me when I am full-on connected technologically.<\/p>\n
Lately, my mistress has become more daring in our relationship. When the new iOS update come out, I thought it would be cool to let it alert me to new facebook messages, tweets, texts and voicemails.<\/p>\n
Before long the thing was ringing and chiming like a loose slot machine in Vegas. It was making everyone crazy. Eventually, I figured out how to calm her down a bit, silencing some of the notification features and turning off some of the sounds that accompanied the alerts.<\/p>\n
This became essential as it was keeping others awake at night. Everyone would be sound asleep and with a bing, clang and chirp, the messages would announce their arrival. I finally figured out how to turn them off temporarily and just go with vibrate. It’s much better when my mistress isn’t mouthing off all the time.<\/p>\n
Even so, the vibrating can be pretty brisk. For a while, I didn’t know how to set it so that it would only vibrate once. Instead, if I ignored it, it would vibrate again and again, like it had made a midnight swing by a porn store and stocked up on extra batteries.<\/p>\n
I can hear what you’re saying. Why do you need a mistress with you all the time? For companionship? Well, yes. My mistress can do some things that no one else has ever done for me. I can stay in touch with everyone everywhere, including getting emails and text messages for my business. But even better, whenever I am stuck somewhere, such as in a doctor’s office or in a never-ending waiting line, my mistress knows how to amuse me in the most delightful ways.<\/p>\n
While I don’t like to play games in my relationships, I never mind playing games with my mistress. My god, and what games. SkeeBall, bowling, car racing, Wild West high noon battles, snowboarding… I can hardly find time to catch my breath when I’m with my mistress, she’s so sporty.<\/p>\n
Things have indeed gotten worse, I admit. I have trained my clients how to use text messaging so they can stay in contact with me. Thanks to the release of my book, I am now receiving tweets from Twitter, comments from memoirsofabuccaneer.com to review and respond to and sales to monitor. And I haven’t even gotten too involved in the many forums out there where I can promote my book or make progress on the new one in the works.<\/p>\n
I know my mistress can be a pain sometimes. People talk behind my back. They glare. They judge. I did too at once point. I used to look at the people snuggling up with their smartphones at the expense of everyone around them, unapologetic in their adoration. And now I’m one of them.<\/p>\n
So there you go. It’s out in the open now. I am in love big time. We are virtually inseparable. My mistress spends a lot of time in my pants. And when she’s not there, she’s whispering sweet voice mails into my ear.<\/p>\n
What I haven’t admitted to my mistress yet is that there is someone else in my life, someone I love even more than her. I mean, my iPhone is nice and all. But she can’t hold a candle to my iPad.<\/p>\n
Shh, don’t tell anyone. If word gets out I just know that there will be hard feelings, then dropped calls and finally, No Service. Geez, that sounds like my last marriage.<\/p>\n
Down in the Keys, waiting to see if I can get five bars this morning,<\/p>\n
– Robb<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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