If you remember your American history, which Rick Santorum obviously doesn’t, the quickest way to get any Americans to do anything is to make it illegal.
That’s why Prohibition failed so miserably. It was one of the biggest disasters in the history of legislating American behavior. Even people who were lifelong teetotalers took to drinking in droves because it was fashionable and daring. Let’s face it, Americans love to take a walk on the wild side and dabble in things that are strictly verboten.
But Rick, you Moral Munchkin of the Right, I think you’ve really hit on something here. If you haven’t seen Rick’s brilliant position paper on the subject, I offer you this passage, unedited:
America is suffering a pandemic of harm from pornography. A wealth of research is now available demonstrating that pornography causes profound brain changes in both children and adults, resulting in widespread negative consequences. Addiction to pornography is now common for adults and even for some children. The average age of first exposure to hard-core, Internet pornography is now 11. Pornography is toxic to marriages and relationships. It contributes to misogyny and violence against women. It is a contributing factor to prostitution and sex trafficking.
I couldn’t agree with you more Rick. Pornography is definitely the downfall of our nation, not all the unchecked corporate greed out there, as some crazed liberals would like to have us believe.
Instead of putting greedy, soulless Wall Streeters behind bars, we need to lock all the porn stars away. We must filter all the content on the Internet that contains even partial nudity (such as this horrific photo of a lily white politician taking a break from running for President). We need to make the death penalty standard for anyone caught with kiddy porn, including a photo of their newborn taking their first bath in the sink. And we need to ask God’s forgiveness for sinking into the depths of depravity.
By now, all my friends are thinking, wait, has Robb stripped his gears?
Well, friends and neighbors, Prohibition has taught us a valuable lesson, so did parenting. What’s the quickest way to get your kid to try drugs? Tell them you forbid it. Want them to have sex? Tell them it will happen over your dead body. Want to give organized crime a new lease on life in this country? Tell every citizen that they can’t read a Playboy or look at a pinup calendar of Marilyn Monroe because there was a hint of cleavage.
That is why I want Pornobition so badly. It will flood our country with more porn than we could ever imagine. We will create a Porn heaven and haven right here on earth – a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah.
The illegal drug problem will be a thing of the past. Why do all the work harvesting and manufacturing drugs when you can simply make a run for the border with truckloads of porn that we’ve already created over the centuries. Porn cartels will have a field day as porn-starved married men spend their family’s monthly food budget to score the February 2012 issue of Juggs Magazine.
I can see it now. Dimly lit doors in dark alleyways leading to Peekeasies. The password of the day and you slip into a secret series of rooms filled with priests looking for photos of altared boys, CEOs in search of pictures of scantily clad women rolling around in the green stuff, and IT professionals trying to score their first look at a naked woman, even if she only appears in a slightly used, slightly crumpled 8×10 glossy.
Sex crazed men with no access to these Peekeasies will roam the streets, preying on innocent young girls, their loins throbbing uncontrollably because they haven’t been able to read a decent Playboy article in the privacy of their own bathroom since Pornobition took effect.
Economically speaking, Pornobition could be the end of hard times in America. I believe it could lift us out of the economic hole we’ve been in and thrust us towards prosperity once again. We could become thick with wealth. Pornobition could fuel a new renaissance, thanks to our heavily suppressed and censored libidos and bottomless pockets of lust laden change. Suddenly, gambling would be passe. Instead, we’d be pouring quarters into any slut machine we could find. “I hit the jackpot” would take on an entirely new meaning, and I think you know what I mean.
In one-time gambling halls, men would double down in the smoke filled rooms, hoping to score a used VHS copy of Debbie Does Dallas, the high stakes of an otherwise seemingly innocent game of poker. Suddenly, some high roller walks in and plops down a couple of bootleg photos of Lindsay Lohan in the buff. A gasp fills the air. All eyes are on the dealer as he drops the last playing card in the river – a buck naked Queen of Diamonds. It’s a Straight Flush for the high roller and Debbie gets to do him tonight, not the sex craved fathers of four who had reserved a room at the Motel 6 down the street to enjoy their night’s winnings.
Oh, yes, Rick! I couldn’t be happier with your brilliant idea. Pornobition will make those living on the fringes of society a mint. And business will be boobing, oh, sorry, booming, like it hasn’t seen since the days when Carrie Nation and the 18th Amendment took away all our alcohol.
You are my new hero Rick. I would salute you but I don’t have a free hand at the moment.
Out on the Treasure Coast looking for those naked pictures I have somewhere of Karen “I’m not conservative at all in the sack” Santorum,
– Robb