The High School Years
Ah, who didn’t love high school (raising my hand high). But it was the start of these musings. I wrote my first diatribes for the Hazen Highlife in 1975. They were originally called ObZerrvation Points, then moved to RobZerrvation Points, and finally to RobZerrvations. At first it was an easy ‘A’ in journalism. Who would have guessed that it was the start of something small and often very personal.
The Female of the Species
Since the time of Adam and Eve, man and woman have been in a never ending game of cat and mouse; a game that the man usually loses and ends up taking the consolation prize.
After talking to many males, both friends and relatives who have been the victims of such a foul game, I have decided to spare future classes the agony of defeat by outlining the different species of women around Hazen who bear watching by naïve males (Juniors, listen up!). The specials are catalogued below, beginning with the easiest to detect yet the hardest to stay away from: the Taking-Advantage-of-Others species.
This member of the female sex usually has a natural magnetism that she uses to get what she wants, an alluring body, and a very big mouth which often bursts into ridiculous song in the most embarrassing moments. She is also very confident and self-centered.
While this seems very typical of many Hazen girls and looks very difficult to detect, there is one thing about the Taking-Advantage-of-Others type that is a dead giveaway: her call. The call of this type is: “How would you like to do me a favor?” (Accompanied by a seductive nudge or flutter of an eyelash that will set spellbound males catering to her every whim).
Second only to the preceding species is the Competition-Stomper. These are the true heartbreakers as the male only notices them after he is already attached to someone else on a lower order.
The Competition-Stomper is a true tormentor. She has the beauty of Venus, the personality of a princess, and the captivating forces of Medusa all rolled into one. She is easily recognizable in two ways – the company she keeps and the call she makes. The Comp Stomper is most often seen in the halls with the less gifted females who only serve to enhance her beauty. Her call, which is her other asset, can be easily recognized and only heard when the male is asking her out for a date: “Oh, I’m sorry, but I have to wash my hair.”
The Comp Stomper is a close cousin known as the Out-of-State-Tail-Twitcher. She has similar characteristics of the Comp Stomper but has a more innocent approach than her counterpart. Her most prominent features are her seductive eyes and fabulous tail plumage. Her motives are more on the surface than most though. As such she presents no great threat.
The only other type that bears watching is the False Blusher species. When first encountered, these females seem to be ideal for most males. But watch out! They are a loaded gun just waiting to shoot the unwary male down. Shy girls are subject to severe attacks of aggression followed by austere hostility which can at times cool her emotional drives. It is a vicious cycle to say the least. Her call, like the others, is very distinctive. It is most often uttered during her cycle, “Oh, it’s you again!” (spoken in a sarcastic tone).
With these identifying classifications, many your freshmen should be able to avoid many pitfalls – but you’ll also be avoiding a lot of fun also.