I see that the James Bond franchise is turning 50 this year. And while I am often a trendsetter, finding the next big thing out there long before anyone else, I admit that I am at a loss when it comes to 007.
I never got on board the James Bond train, or I guess, Astin Martin. I do know that Sean Connery was 007, the first one, and that since then a bunch of guys have played him, some better than the others.
I guess that’s part of what tripped me up. Which James Bond do you hang on to? Connery? Roger Moore? Timothy Dalton? Pierce Brosnan (perish the thought)? Daniel Craig? Or that one time 007, George Lazenby?
If it sounds like I am really up on the franchise, I’m not. I had to look these guys up. I’ve never been fond of the old switcharoo when it comes to a different actor or actress playing someone else’s part.
Take Jack Ryan. Alex Baldwin was him in Hunt for Red October, then Harrison Ford took over for the next two movies, and then Ben Affleck totally bombed in the role in The Sum of All Fears. I think I like the Alex Baldwin Jack Ryan the best, largely because he played this eggheady reluctant hero type, not the Harrison Ford “kicking asses and taking names” take on Jack.
Yes, I watched all four of these movies. I admit it. And though I was very confused about the switch of Darrens in Bewitched, I adapted to the new Jack Ryans.
I can’t even claim that I don’t enjoy a good spy romp. I grew up on them. I watched The Man from U.N.C.L.E. The Girl From U.N.C.L.E (hey, it had Stephanie Powers in boots) and of course, Get Smart. I played spy a lot as a kid, mostly on my brothers as they became interested in girls. On more than one occasion I hid a tape recorder under their beds and shoved small mirrors under their doors.
We even had a Big Ear in the house, a fairly primitive spy tool, admittedly. For those not in the spy game, it is a large parabolic mirror that allows you to eavesdrop on people at the other end of your street. A very handy device that I believe they eventually outlawed, at least the high-powered “toy” we had.
So, why not Bond? I still can’t really say why the genre never stuck on me. I mean, growing up it always had super hot girls in it, often scantily clad, sometimes covered completely in gold. It had explosions, intrigue, impossible escapes, car races, boat chases and did I mention hot girls?
But to this date, I have not seen a single James Bond movie. I know, I know. I may be the only guy on this planet who has been alive for the last 50 years and not seen a single 007 thriller.
I have seen parts. My friend Josh showed me the one that took place in Jamaica. The scenes took place on the same road that led to Port Royal. That was kind of cool seeing what the place used to look like before tourism started to take hold. I saw a few minutes of James Bond in space or on a space station, I think. And I saw a couple of boat chase scenes.
I have even been to Ian Fleming’s house in Jamaica where some of the books were written. Rightfully so, my 007 loving friends Josh and Cyn were in absolute awe. I don’t think they would have ever left if we hadn’t taken a tour bus there. Even though you can now stay there – it is a bed and breakfast type place – one part of the home that is roped off. There, at the desk, is the typewriter Ian used to craft these amazing books that have gone on to become literary and film classics. All of which has been lost on me.
I still haven’t seen a single movie, even after visiting Ian’s house and having a cocktail by his pool. I haven’t read any of the books either, which again is odd because I’ve read books by Fletcher Knebel, John D. MacDonald and his Travis McGee series, Tom Corcoran’s books of intrigue about the Florida Keys, filled with murder and mayhem… but Ian Fleming and now his estate has never profited from me.
What can I say? I try to tell people that I really am a conundrum. I like strawberry flavored foods and drinks but not real strawberries. I Iike the idea of camping but hate actually doing it. I am writing a detective novel but have never read or watched 007 (and yes, I know he’s a spy, not a detective). I could go on and on with my life of odd lines in the sands, swimming against the current of popular opinion for absolutely no logical reason at all.
Unfortunately, James Bond has been caught up in my own life of intrigue and mystery. For this, I apologize. I have even put it in my mind at various times that I really need to see a James Bond movie. But which one? No, not which movie, but which 007? As you’ve seen, Pierce Brosnan doesn’t work for me from the get-go. If I would have to go with one, it would Sean, the more classic, sauve version who filmed back when the world itself was far more debonair. You know, back when martinis really were shaken and not stirred.
I do admit to a certain level of interest in a movie called Octopussy. I’m not quite sure that I know what the plot is, but given the title I can only surmise that it has something to do with that woman who gave birth to those eight babies. You know the one with the TV show, Nadya Suleman. Now there’s a Bond girl name for ya.
In the Emerald City, wondering why Roger Moore wasn’t 009,
– Robb