A couple days ago I saw a post on Facebook from a friend who said she could never be in a relationship again, largely because her checklist was so long and very specific.
Well, put that in the “been there and done that” outbox for me. I have been on the receiving end of the infamous checklist for decades now, and have never found them to be particularly useful.
Why? First, checklists set us up for failure. Let’s start with the non-relationship type of checklist. Yes, accomplishing things is very important in our lives. There are always “to dos” that need to be done. It’s part of life. While it’s important to get things off our “to do” list, the list itself can set us up for feeling like a total failure, largely because there are always way more things “to do” than time to do them.
Now let’s turn to the other checklist, the one many of us like to use to find the perfect mate. You know the type. He or she should be 1) This, 2) That and 3), the Other Thing. The list can go on for pages.
Yes, having preferences is a good thing. If you’re a liberal, you probably don’t want to hook up with a Republican. If you like to get a little jiggy in the sack, you might be wasting your time with a nose-to-nose, toes-to-toes type of girl.
But a checklist? I’ve never had much luck with those in the relationship world. Sure, I recently became aware of Amy Webb who had a list of 72 requirements for a mate and found a guy who was every check on her list, from being smart and funny to not liking the musical Cats!
I wish Amy luck and I hope her book does well, the one she wrote to share her story of how she found her 72-point guy online.
At least she thinks he’s 72-point guy. From my own experience some years ago, I know that you can bend and shape yourself like a Gumby to be everything on a checklist even if you’re not even close, and believe me, being a checklist contortionist is not the way to go. I think ol’ Amy may be fooling herself a bit, not really knowing that secretly her new husband is a real Cats lover.
So, how did I end up a checklist contortionist? I really wanted to be everything on the list, even though I came up short in several respects. This is the checklist that led me to Florida, a place that was never on my list at all, if I had a list.
She had a list, however. I even saw it once, early on. I don’t remember everything on the list now – I’m pretty sure it had something about not being gay, another about being musically inclined, and something about not being an alcoholic asshole.
I really wanted to be everything on that list. I wanted to do a Gumby. So I did what Amy’s husband probably did. I pretended that I was everything she wanted. I even went so far as to tell her that I loved the Broadway musical, Les Miserables.
I know. Me? Love Les Miserables? I said I liked lots of things, totally out of my mind with the irrational desire to be all 10 things on that damned list. I not only pretended to like things I didn’t, but eschewed things I did like, all in an effort to get a perfect score on the relationship scoreboard.
What an idiot! None of us can be the everything to someone else. We can come close, damned close in fact, especially if we keep an open mind in our relationship and be open to new experiences and ways of thinking. But all 10 or 20 or 72 out of the gate? Impossible.
Thankfully, I don’t have to pretend anymore. There’s no long checklist in my life these days. The list right now has just three things. And no, you don’t get to know what they are. Not until next week.
I’d like to think I am the three things on the list. But they aren’t all that easy to check off and be done with, largely because they are qualities that you aspire to and work every day toward mastering. Before you go, “Gumby’s at it again” the list is very simple and straightforward. It doesn’t require me to like things she likes or have the mystic qualities of a fairytale prince. I can be these things without great difficulty, as long as I open my heart and mind to them and actually be who I should be, rather than what someone else wants me to be.
It’s all bullsh**t! Worse, it may keep you from finding that great guy or gal you’ve always been looking for because you’re too busy trying to get everything on your list.
Plus, you have to wonder. What’s best? A guy who loves you completely who is pretty imperfect but treats you like a queen or a guy who is everything you ever dreamed of (on paper) but is a narcissistic asshole every minute you’re with him.
A checklist only lets you search for princes who don’t really exist. In the meantime, you may pass up a lot of frogs only because you don’t have “has warts” on your checklist.
Leave the checklists for the grocery store. Ditch them in relationships. The right person is out there for you, and 10 to 1 they aren’t anything you thought you wanted and certainly wasn’t everything on your “dream guy” or “dream girl” list.
And if you really want to find the guy of your dreams (sorry guys, it doesn’t work in reverse), check out this video series by Cindy Lu. First, she is hilarious. Second, you’ll find out how a certain someone landed me via Cindy’s Four Man Plan. 🙂
In the Emerald City, checking out for now,
– Robb