Feels Like The First Time…

Posted by admin on January 12, 2015 in Relationships |

It’s no secret that I’ve been married before. I guess my children would be a dead giveaway, though I guess people don’t even get married these days to have children. I grew up in a time when that was still pretty normal and if for no other reason, my two marriages were well worth it, if only because Becca and Parker came into this world.

It’s also no secret that I am getting married in another week or so. I have had friends ask me why I would do such a thing. People have asked Kat the same question, but framing it in such a way that it comes out, “Why would you marry Robb?”

I guess it’s a logical question. While those who see us together know why, it can be hard for others to fathom, largely because it’s a little hard to believe that someone can find the right one – the one they were born to love – so late in life.

First, let me say that I don’t exactly think it’s really that late. We still have a really good chance of celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary and maybe even our 30th and 35th. There’s still plenty of time to have a happily ever after.

Sure, we’ve kind of known about each other for 10 years. But as Kat loves to say when I wryly ask “Where have you been all my life?” she replies, “Waiting for the day when you’d finally be ready for me.”

So true, so true. Soon we will be walking down the aisle and this time I actually know it’s for all the right reasons. Gone are the days of insecurity, the fear of being alone, the go with the flow decisions, the days of being led around by the leash around my balls.

When I look back at my misadventure in Florida, I see what it truly was. I was 3,000 miles away, grabbing on to anything that would offer  even a bit of security. It didn’t really matter who it was. I just needed a body, preferably female, though my friends question if that were really true, at least in one case.

I don’t have to do that anymore. In fact, I have learned to like living with myself and even by myself. I have finally found out that I’m a pretty O.K. guy and have carved out a nice life, despite my famous miscalculations. I’m still standing, life hasn’t beaten me, I have a great job, wonderful kids, loyal and dear friends, passionate pastimes and best of all, I still have my sense of humor. Best of all, I finally like me.

What I didn’t have until now was someone who made me want to be a better man. It’s not that Kat ever asks me to be a better man. She accepts me just the way I am and for some reason, loves me with all my dents and mileage. She loves me unconditionally and I can’t help but want to be the guy she sees, even though she never ever tells me what or who it is she’s looking at.

All I know is that I want to be more like her. She has a tremendous love of life, a beautiful spirituality, an inner beauty and sense of confidence that is soooo sexy, an intense curiosity, plenty of smarts, infinite integrity and honesty, a terrific sense of humor, a great sense of right and wrong, and the ability to forgive and forget.

Who wouldn’t want to be with someone like that? But here’s the funny part. Every day I find myself wanting to have many of those same qualities. I learn so much from Kat, not only about myself, but others and the world at large. It’s like seeing everything with a fresh set of eyes, untainted by the past, open to the future, and working day in and day out on that ever elusive (until now) happily ever after.

Case in point. I never really concerned myself about my health or whether I’d live to be an old man. I would live for the day, then the next and the next. It’s what got me into trouble at times, being in the moment, not thinking about the repercussions that could happen because of my often horrible choices.

I am nothing like that now. I am so protective of our relationship and our family. I don’t ever want to do something that has even the slightest sense of not being appropriate, honest or truthful. Yes, it’s that integrity thing, something I didn’t really think I had. Maybe I did all along, but there was really noone worth hanging my hat on it. Until now.

The world that was once quicksand is now bedrock. I have finally found something worth having and worth fighting for. I suppose some people have had this all along – lucky, lucky you – but it’s really very new to me. I am completely surprised and humbled by it, this feeling that someone else is worth everything I have in life and that she is more important to me than I am.

Best of all, it’s never expected. It’s never even asked for. It’s not in Kat to push someone like that, or bully them into action with the old “If you loved me, you’d…” routine. Been there, done that!

Talk about a lack of integrity. No wonder I was so screwed up in my relationships. I had my head in the sand. Well, some would argue that I had it up my ass. I guess the view is the same from either perspective – you’re totally in the dark.

All I know is that I finally got it right this time. I finally met my match. I love this woman so much, more every day we are together. Even my son and all of my friends get it. They all agree that after some famous failures, I have found the one I was born to love and love her I do.

I do. That’s coming up pretty soon and I can’t wait. A simple wedding with a simple ceremony. No veils, no costumes, no personas. Just two of God’s wonderful creatures standing in front of Him, their friends and family, joining together as one.

It’s like the first time for both of us, and maybe that’s the biggest sign of all that it was always meant to be. We just had to wait until the day when we were ready for this grandest of all adventures… mawage.

In the Emerald City, counting the days and cherishing each and every one that comes along,

– Robb

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