When I was young, I didn’t have many friends. In elementary school, it was Bob Core and Mike Culver. In middle school, pretty much Bob Core and Bob Cochran. In high school, Tim Davidson, Scott McComas and Wally Hazen on the male side; Jeany Hahn, Michelle Ritchie, Cheryl Haglund and Chris Koura on the female side.
I had lots of acquaintances though. You probably have them too, the ones who you think could be your friends but you just never made that odd transition.
In adulthood, the same has been true. Four really good friends for most of my adult life, those who have stood by me through thick and thin. Years can go by and when we reconnect, it’s like we have never been apart.
Then there are others who are on the cusp of becoming good friends. These are the newbies, the ones who are beginning to exhibit friendship status, but not quite there yet.
And then there are those come and go friends. Recently, one of those came circling back into my life again. And as real friends do, John and I picked up where we had left off some 15 or so years ago.
In Ocean Shores last week, we spent the day laughing and performing together as if no time have passed. At some point, John had moved to Alaska, and I to Florida, getting as far away from each other as possible in the United State.
It was a grand time with my old friend. And that encounter got me thinking about other people who I have considered my friends, but who really just friends of convenience.
You know the kind. You always seem to be the one driving the friendship. They never call you, you always call them. You leave messages because they never seem to have the time for you to actually pick up the phone. Oh sure, they may post occasionally on Facebook to something you said. But they never make you enough of a priority to actually connect with you on any level that is actually meaningful or personal.
Facebook, of course, lulls us all into thinking we have far more friends than we do. I think I have almost 500 “Friends” on Facebook. That’s all well and good. In fact, many are terrific acquaintances and I value them greatly. But I don’t think they will bail me out at 2 a.m. when I’m in jail.
As I’ve said before, that’s my true test of a friendship. That’s why I have so few friends. It’s not that I value the acquaintances any less, but more than likely they won’t answer the call when I’m in jail, largely because they won’t even pick up the phone when I call them to chat when I’m on the out and about.
In one case, I think I am on my 10th unanswered call to one “friend.” I’m not really sure what the official rules are regarding the number of unanswered calls, but I think the 10th unanswered is my last.
It pains me, of course, because I like to think we were very good friends. There was a time that we talked every day not so long ago, often for an hour or more about all sorts of stuff. And then one day, for whatever reason, crickets.
I don’t remember doing anything to deserve that kind of treatment. I think I am a pretty good friend. Like any good friend, I can be pretty hard on my friends at times. I will question their horseshit, and I certainly know they will question mine. As a friend, I am extremely loyal. I will hold onto the friendship long after any sensible person would. I won’t give up on you easily.
But as I get older, I am beginning to give up more and more. I think the unanswered texts, calls and emails should be a clear enough sign that my friendship isn’t wanted or valued. Yes, I get that everyone’s life gets busy at times. I am guilty as well. But while I may not put much effort into a distant acquaintance’s efforts to contact me – usually for good reason – I try to get back to my friends within a reasonable mount of time. I certainly don’t let 10 calls go unanswered.
Again, I guess I’m not really all that familiar with how this friends thing works. On the one hand, I’m not really sure how two people become friends. I’m definitely not familiar with all the rules of a friendship and as we clearly see here, I don’t know when it becomes a lost cause.
Yes, it hurts. Any relationship takes a lot of time and effort. In the beginning, you will even turn down plans with other longer term friends so you can explore the new one. And sometimes, POOF! It’s gone. No explanation, no easy let down, just POOF!
It sucks rocks, that’s for sure. But finally, after nearly six decades on this rock of ours, I think I’m finally getting it. I’ve told myself that I won’t keep putting myself out there like I used to, and that I will cut my losses and just stop reaching out over and over in the false belief that they will put as much work into the relationship as I do.
No more false promises. No more invites to come visit. No more getting sucked into the B.S. they are blowing up my skirt because they have bottomed out to the point where I seem to be their only hope. I’m just not going to fall for it.
The simple fact is, you don’t really need that many close friends. There’s only so much time in the day to maintain them and really, when you think about it, aren’t the lasting friendships really the important ones, the ones you should be focusing on?
And as a bonus, cutting my losses with these fauxships allows me more time to develop relationships with new friends. I only wished I had been smart enough, mature enough, secure enough to have learned this earlier in life.
In the Emerald City, humming James Taylor’s You Got a Friend,
– Robb