The old Internet was really in a tizzy last week over the discovery that the Chinese have built and are testing a new generation of fighter planes that use stealth technology. It’s claimed they got the technology from an downed F-117 fighter during one of the many wars we seem to always be fighting these days.
I think that’s a bunch of hooey.
All the Chinese had to do was look in the typical American home to learn the secrets of stealth technology. And that’s exactly what I think did happen.
I can see it now. As Clem and Martha innocently slept soundly in their small Kansas farmhouse, Chinese operatives crept in, stealing American Stealth Technology from right under their noses. And through a post hypnotic suggestion, these simple farmers believe that it was actually aliens who visited them in the night, performing silly alien experiments on them. But the only thing they recall of the incident is having an unshakeable craving for Egg Foo Young.
And what did the Chinese take out?
As you know, these stealth airplanes use exotic materials an unusual shapes to make them virtually invisible to radar. So they can fly around with impunity. It cost the U.S. government billions to develop the B-2, the F-117 and the F-22.
Yet all they had to do is what the Chinese did: Look at that Average American Home.
Yes, chances are good that stealthy things are happening around your happy home even as you read this.
Take your keys. Car keys, luggage keys, keys to the house, keys to the padlock you haven’t used since high school but desperately need right now.
Let’s look for a moment at the Key-Stealth connection.
It’s no coincidence that the new bomber’s wing has a jagged, key-like edge. Stealth technology makes an object invisible. Keys become invisible, too, especially when you need them most.
An example: Say you’re late for work. You’ve spent all morning making sure the kids got ready for school and to the bus on time. It’s 10 minutes to 8 and you’re making a mad dash for the door.
Pick up your briefcase, take a final sip of coffee, grab lunch and finally, your . . .
You got it. Stealth Keys. The keys to your car have suddenly vanished. You’re sure you left them on the bar, but now they’re nowhere to be found.
How can this happen? “S-T-E-A-L-T-H.”
But stealth isn’t limited to just keys.
Dirty socks acquire stealth technology during the cleaning process. Somewhere between the spin cycle and the last tumble of the dryer, at least one sock disappears — mysteriously. If left unchecked, you could soon have hundreds of unmatched socks.
Where do they go? No one knows for sure.
How do they disappear?
S-T-E-A-L-T-H!
Of course, it’s absurd to think the military would readily adapt Household Stealth Technology into their own designs.
Pilots would look pretty silly flying lengthy military missions in giant argyle socks. Though I must profess that it would be disarming to the enemy. I could just see the Taliban looking up at a huge sock flying overhead, laughing at those stupid imperialist American pigs. And then “KABOOM”. We sock it to them.
Unfortunately, few of our pilots would be willing to fly a giant argyle sock as it would really start to smell after a few days of senseless bombings.
Probably the best example of stealth technology occurs at your friendly neighborhood mall.
At one time or another, we’ve all experienced this scenario:
After a hectic day of running up your personal debt ceiling, you head for home.
Out of the store, out the door and into the expansive shopping mall parking lot where you left your car only hours before.
But where is your car? Where is it parked? Why can’t you find it?
Simple. S-T-E-A-L-T-H!
Parking lots are a primary source of this nation’s stealth technology. That’s why you can’t find your car.
But this should provide you with some measure of satisfaction.
So what if you can’t find your brand new Acura Legend? Cheer up. You’ve done your country (and China it seems) a service, confirming the amazing properties of stealth. Contributing to our national security certainly is worth losing your car in the parking lot now, isn’t it?
Which brings us to another stealth-related problem solved by American ingenuity and insatiable appetite for one-stop shopping.
The Defense Department is studying how to store our stealth bombers in equally stealthy shelters so prying enemy satellites can’t see them. So, they want to build Quonset huts for a couple hundred million bucks each.
I offer a much simpler solution in these tight budget times:
Park them at the mall. No one will ever find them there.
Looking for my keys somewhere on the Treasure Coast,
— Robb