Time magazine recently highlighted the five main types of marriages that exist. Up until this point I thought there was just two: good and bad. I never realized there were actually five different kinds of marriage.
As you know, I have had my share of direct hits and near misses over the years (sounds like I’ve been playing Battleship). In the ensuing sortees, I have earned a few Purple Hearts as well as one or two broken ones. Given my unexpected expertise in this area, I decided to explore each of these types of marriages so that my readers have a clearer picture of where they stand in their own relationships.
First, the categories. The five types of marriages are (in no particular order), the: Semi-Happy Marriage, Parenting Marriage, Workhorse Wives Marriage, Semi-Married Marriage and the Ed McMahon Syndrome Marriage.
Well, aren’t those a bunch of barn burners? Not a single good marriage in the bunch. Now, before you think I’m jaded and approaching this from a pessimistic frame of mind, I remind you that I really wanted to see the Happily Ever After Marriage on the list because I still want one, even at my greatly advanced age.
Let’s start off with what is supposed to be the majority of marriages, the Semi-Happy Marriage. From what I gather, this is the best you can do. You aren’t happy and you aren’t miserable. You just are. Your expectations aren’t dashed because you don’t have any. It can be very high functioning like a business partnership or a friendship, but they have no Zing and Zowy! You may even feel that you’re in the wrong marriage. Half to two-thirds of all people who end up divorcing apparently have discovered that they were in a Semi-Happy Marriage.
I have definitely been there, that’s for sure. On more than one occasion. And in the end I didn’t know what was worse, losing the spouse or the friend. 🙁
Next up is one we should know well, the Parenting Marriage. This is where the children are the center of your attention, not your spouse. It’s the old “stay together for the sake of the children” arrangement. Instead of being in love with your husband or wife, you are in love with your children, using them as a stunt double for your significant other in the bad marriage movie you’re making.
Ah the Workhorse Wives Marriage. Ever been in a marriage where your husband is a dream chaser — he either can never hold a job or thinks he’s so successful that he doesn’t have time to help out around the house because he’s too busy? Welcome to this type of marriage. The women here end up living a Leave It to Beaver existence, but play the parts of Ward and June. They work all day and when they get home, they work all night. Happy, happy, joy joy!
The Semi-Married Marriage. Doesn’t that have a nice ring to it? The players in it are called divorced cohabitants. They are still married, but act like they are divorced, including the benefits of playing around on the side. They never do the paperwork because it is costly, messy, will affect the kids, upset the family, etc. Boy, that makes life worth living, though I do like the fringe benefits of it. My last marriage was oddly like this, but I didn’t get the memo that I could be running around behind her back, too. I guess I should have gotten the clue when I came across her profile on match.com.
Finally, my personal favorite. Drum roll please… The Ed McMahon Syndrome. This is a variation of the Semi-Happy Marriage in which the spouse serves as the sidekick. If you recall, Ed McMahon used to always respond, “You are correct, sir” to virtually anything Johnny said. Like Ed, just to maintain peace, the spouse will agree to nearly anything to keep from rocking the boat.
Well, I am a poster child for this type of marriage. I am the ultimate butt kisser, and not in the way that would be far more enjoyable. In fact, all of the seven places I’ve lived when I was married were chosen by my spouse at the time. I never picked one. One would say, “I think we should live in Melbourne” and I would respond instantly, “You are correct, sir.” Did I like Melbourne? No. But it was the path of least resistance.
I only know this because my one father-in-law gave me the secret to his years of “happy” marriage once. Just before I was to walk down the aisle, he said, “Robb, do you know what the secret to a happy marriage is? It’s just two words.”
I said, “I do?”
“No,” he replied. Of course not. “It’s, ‘yes, dear.’ You see, even if you think you’re right, you’re going to end up wrong. So don’t even waste your time. You’ll end up fighting, she’ll go to bed pissed and you won’t get any loving that night, or perhaps the entire week. Just get it over with and say, ‘yes, dear.'”
Well, as you know, Ed was eventually out of a job. He spent the balance of his life shilling for Publisher’s Clearing House. Me, I lost out on my respective jobs, too. But instead of Publisher’s Clearing House, I just went to work clearing the house of all my possessions and leaving it to my ex-whatever.
George Grove of the Kingston Trio said it all about his adventures in marriage. He said, “Next time I’m just going to buy my girlfriend a house and car upfront and call it good.”
Out on the Treasure Coast, still single, but whoever knows for how long…
– Robb