If you haven’t heard of Groupon.com, you will. It offers amazing deals every morning, delivered right to your email box. Some of the offers, such as a tandem skydive for half off, sounds really great.
Today, the offer was far less appealing. And it wasn’t until I read further that I realized that my mother was far ahead of her time and could have been rolling in dough in her old age.
Today’s offer came from the Gardens Acupuncture and Wellness Center in West Palm. It was for half off Colon Hydrotherapy, regularly $90.
It took me a moment to process this. Colon Hydrotherapy? What could that be?
Ever the curious one, I clicked on the link to it on their website. And this is what it says (I am not making this up):
“The client comfortably lies on their back during the session and is always modestly draped. A small disposable tube is inserted through the rectum, where a waste tube is connected to the end. Water and waste exit through the waste tube which allows the therapists and client to see what is being eliminated from the body. The temperature of the water is adjusted throughout the session to achieve greater results. The process of filling is repeated several times throughout the session, which is approximately 45-50 minutes long. Each person is unique in the number of sessions they require initially and the frequency in between visits for maintenance. Colon hydrotherapy is a natural way to take a preventative approach to healthier living.”
As I read this, it dawns on me. I used to get Colon Hydrotherapy as a child. The only difference was I was not ever mostly draped. Instead, I could be found cowering in the corner of the bathroom, buck naked, knowing that I was about to get an enema.
Yes, you heard right. Colon Hydrotherapy is a glorified enema. I didn’t think it was such a fancy procedure as a kid. I certainly wouldn’t have paid to have it done, and certainly not $90!
I would, however, had gladly paid my mother my entire year’s allowance not to have it done. I really think it was created during the Dark Ages as a torture device, something on a par with the Rack or the Iron Maiden. You know, those delightful little devices at a Dark Ages Spa commonly referred to by the locals as The Dungeon.
If faced with this torture back then, I would have confessed to witchery or anything else they wanted me to take the blame for. The mere thought of such torture is still beyond my comprehension even today and I pucker at the very idea.
But at the same time, I marvel at how ahead of time my mother was. She could have been selling the same thing to spa goes who would gladly shell out nearly a hundred bucks to voluntarily go through what I had to go through kicking and screaming for free.
And who knows? Maybe if she had called it Colon Hydrotherapy, I wouldn’t have been so, well, should I say, uptight about the whole thing. She just had to market it right to us kids, just like the spa folks are doing now.
For me, I think I’m happy being full of crap these days. And I know my wallet is happy having that extra $90.
Sorry Groupon.com, I know my mother is behind this one.
Somewhere on the Treasure Coast not wanting to bend over when I see loose change,
— Robb