As I was watching the circus come to town in Washington D.C. these past few days, it occurred to me that given our current state of technology we should just do away with Congress all together.
I think we could handle this budgeting thing better ourselves. I only thought of this because I was telling my son that back in the day, the Cable Gods had promised us amazing new capabilities. Not only would we have thousands of stations with absolutely nothing to watch, but we would be able to interact with our televisions, too.
To me, that was a wonderful promise. Imagine being able to vote on a new product idea from a company during a commercial or chime in on the answers to Jeopardy and play right along.
The Game Show Network even did this for a while in the early 1990s. You could play right along with some of their shows on your laptop. I loved that idea. For a time, I got pretty addicted to seeing if my user name would show up on the scoreboard during the commercial breaks. It did, but just once. But that was still good enough for me.
And this all led me to think, hey, let’s do the same thing with the federal budget.
Here’s how it could work. It would be a cross between the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon and QVC. Everyone is familiar with these formats and they can easily be combined.
Let’s start with the telethon side. Every night at 8, we could tune into the Federal “Night of the Stars” Telethon. There could be some celebrities hosting it, singing a couple patriotic songs and doing a little tap dance (just like our Congressmen do).
On the tote board would be the national budget. It would show us all how much we counld spend that day. We could even add in some appeals for pledges to “see if we can get those numbers to come up a bit.” Americans can call in and pledge to help the U.S. government pay off their bills, something Congress seems reluctant to do these days.
With interactive TV though, we don’t need Congress. Every American can see how much we have to spend right there on the tote board.
Then it’s time for the fun to begin. Using the QVC format, we start seeing things we might need as a nation. First out comes a brand new, shiny stealth fighter. It will cost us all $385 billion each if we buy at least 110 of them. We all hit the buttons on our remotes, deciding if this is something we want.
If the votes are close, we can add in a Let’s Make a Deal twist…
“But wait! Jay, what do we have in box down on the floor?”
We all wait with anticipation. OMG, it’s a new tanker for refueling these fighters. They’re are only $145 million more each, if we buy the fighters and tankers as a set.
Man, we have to have those. And off we go. As we all make our collective purchasing decisions, the amount on the tote board continues to go down.
Of course, if you watch QVC, then you know that they always preview what’s coming up in the next hour, so you can decide how you want to spend your hard earned Department of Agriculture subsidy for not growing your crops. “Do I want the ultrasuede pantsuit set or the Suzanne Somers ThighBanger?”
This show would use the same concept. While we’re drooling over the snazzy stealth fighter, we know that the next hour features the social programs.
They aren’t as sexy as a new fighter. That’s where the telethon portion kicks back in. The host introduces a social program, such as Head Start for inner city kids.
We are so not into this. After all, who really wants to spend money feeding needy kids when you can get a new fighter? True, with the cost of the fighter you are probably only purchasing a wheel well for what it costs to feed inner city children. But still…
So you’re not going to buy the social program. Then they roll the video. It’s produced by the Feed the Children folks. You know the ones. The kids with the sad faces and really big eyes, flies flitting about their faces, emaciated and without parents. Now, these aren’t the inner city kids you’re going to be feeding. Inner city kids look too happy – they won’t touch your heart like these kids will. So there you are, weeping… you push the Buy button.
It’s been a good night so far. We have some fighters and tankers for national defense and we’ve fed some children in a Detroit Head Start.
Next up is Social Security. It costs way more than the other two programs combined. You aren’t about to buy it. You only have so much money.
But then they show a video of a frail, elderly woman, half her teeth missing. Living alone with just her cat. She opens the last can of cat food in the empty cupboard with her gnarled hands. She puts it on a plate. The kitty is so hungry. Then the woman takes a bite out of the cat food. We realize that it’s her dinner, not the cat’s.
We hit the Buy button without another thought. Damn if little old ladies are going to eat cat food on my watch,we tell ourselves.
And then you look at the tote board. The numbers are all red. You went over the budget. You have one last chance to change your purchases as the clock counts down.
You torture over what to do. Then you hit the Return button. “There,” you tell yourself. “I hope everyone’s happy.”
The national tote board turns black again. The shopping closes for the evening and you rest easy, knowing that grandma will learn to love cat food, and that at least she’ll have the freedom to choose which brand she wants, because overhead, shiny new stealth fighters are protecting her precious freedoms.
I think this home shopping budget thing has a few bugs left in it,
Out on the Treasure Coast, trying to return my latest QVC purchase,
– Robb