For an old guy, I’m pretty healthy. I always have been.
Sure, I’ve had my share of the flu and colds. I also had the mumps, measles and chicken pox, albeit for only three days.
I have been in the hospital once. And I blame it on boobs. You see, my girlfriend in high school had mononucleosis and I snuck her out of the house to a nearby park to play “I’ll take off your top if you’ll take off yours.”
Was it worth it? No. I’ve seen hundreds of better looking breasts in my life since and I ended up almost dying from having mono and hepatitis at the same time. I lost 30 pounds in a couple weeks, I couldn’t walk and it took me a year to recover. All because I wanted to see a pair of breasts.
Since then, however, I have been remarkably healthy. In all my almost 53 years, I have not had a single stitch. I still have all my body parts except a small one my parents had removed against my wishes. I did break a finger once, but it was Harley Spaeth’s fault. He threw one of those rock hard balls that doubled as a volleyball and soccer ball at me in gym.
Speaking of balls, I did have the pipe disconnected but there were no stitches involved and nothing was removed, so I stand by my statement that I still have everything I was born with (except the little turtleneck my penis was wearing at the moment of birth).
Otherwise, that’s it. And there’s a secret to my long health record. No, it’s not because I don’t have health insurance, even though right now I don’t. What I do have is a really loud health radio.
What, you say? What is a health radio. Let me explain.
When I was younger, I didn’t always have a nice car. They always seemed to have something wrong with them — I guess that’s what happens when you pay $250 for a 73 Chevelle or $400 for a 72 Galaxie Station Wagon. Since I barely had enough money to buy the car in the first place, I certainly didn’t have any money to fix one.
So, when I would hear a loud grinding noise or a pinging, I would simply turn up the volume on the radio. Suddenly, the noise went away. Problem solved. The radio fixed my car.
Of course, eventually this would not suffice. I would crank it up to full volume and still hear the noise. I remember once when my Galaxie’s shocks gave way to the point that they fell out of their mount and one was dragging on the roadway. Sparks flew from the rear of the car, which looked pretty cool until I realized that I also had a gas tank that leaked. So I finally had to unbolt them and throw them in the back of the station wagon.
Since I’m not particularly fond of doctors, I have opted to use the same strategy in my own life. For example, I have a bone spur in my right foot right now. Not particularly fun, but eventually it will go away. In the meantime, the old health radio is cranked up so I don’t really notice it much.
Fortunately, I the volume settings can be cranked up pretty high. I did have kidney stones once. Man, those really hurt. Almost couldn’t get the radio loud enough then. But I added a little Trouble Boost on it and made it through. This too shall pass… and boy did they.
I have learned to go my merry way in the area of my health. I simply tell my body it is fine and it falls right in line with my expectations. I truly believe I’m invincible. I’ve even learned to manage pain with some mental gymnastics, a really good trick by the way.
I can only hope that my health radio keeps playing the tunes I like. If it were to go through a format change like some stations do, I could really be in trouble. And if it suddenly starts playing “I Left My Heart in San Francisco,” Cutting Crew’s “I Just Died in Your Arms” or “Footloose” I could be downright screwed.
Somewhere on the Treasure Coast, trying to find a blood pressure monitor to see if I still have a heart,
— Robb
* And if you’re wondering where this brain of mine found the Cutting Crew song, go here. Yes, there’s a site that has songs with body parts in their titles.