A couple days ago, I wrote a little piece about the fact that my family seems to want to get back at me by not ever letting me know the status of my mother when she disappears for weeks or even months at a time. Before I get another swear-word laden email from an indignant niece who knows but one side of the story, this isn’t about my family at all.
It is instead, about my life. Well, anyone’s life I guess. Since I have only experienced my own, I can’t really tell others what they should do with theirs. But it is always a small hope that some of these RobZerrvations, especially the ones that expose all my life’s pimples and occasional hemorrhoids, may show others that whatever life you lead, it is still worth living and enjoying to its fullest.
With the resignation of Steve Jobs due to health issues last week, it brings to mind his only commencement speech. I share with you one important thought from it… a bit of a mindblower really.
“Death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.”
The last 12 words are the focus here: Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.
Looking back, I don’t think I really understood how the death of my brother at 24 and my dad at 57 so affected me. My brother lived his life on his own terms – unapologetic yet forgiving. In his limited time on this earth he lived a bigger life than most of us could ever dream of, at least in the eyes of a young boy, yours truly. In contrast, my father had a very hard life, getting very ill by the time I was 10 or so, eventually becoming bedridden, in and out of hospitals and finally dying. I can’t judge the younger part of his life; only the one I saw. And I feel sad that he worked so hard to give us what he could, never having enough time to enjoy those rare moments that make life itself worth living.
For many years, as chronicled here and soon in my memoirs, I lived someone else’s life. It was the life my family wanted me to lead. It was their idea of my life, not mine.
By the time I was 23 years old, I knew that I was married to the wrong girl, working in a dead end job, my entire social life involved playing in a band with them in bars, and living a very mundane, average life.
I could have continued to do so. But I just couldn’t settle for it. I had to live a different life than my family chose to lead and still do lead 30 years later. They live in the same towns with the same life. And I say good for them. If that’s what floats their boat, great. But my boat’s not docked in that port.
I chose the boat that likes to sail willy-nilly towards the shores of Doom. Sometimes I make a last minute turn and save everyone on board. Other times I crash right into shoals – every man, woman and child for themself. And every time I do, I gather what’s left of my life, build a small makeshift raft and head off in a new direction. It’s not the safe life, I can tell you that.
I coulda, woulda, shoulda made smarter choices along the way. I should have really stayed in corporate. I’d be making tons of money right now as a corporate communications hack with 28 years of experience under my belt. I know others are very happy in their careers. To them, security and safety is important. Again, good for them.
But me, that would have been a one way ticket to boredom. I’d never have a chance to roll the dice because I wouldn’t even be at the craps table. Instead, I’d be in the cage over the corner, doing the same thing over and over again at the casino of life, counting my money, waiting to die.
However, this is my life, not the one I would recommend everyone else try. Sometimes it’s far wiser to throw caution to the wind than throw everything away.
Still, I find it somewhat amusing that my friends wish they had my life when sometimes I wish I had theirs. Living life on your own terms has a heavy price to pay. You lose as much as you gain at times. I lost a family, but my life has been uniquely my own. I may die penniless in a gutter somewhere, but I hope when I do I have a big shit-eating grin on my face, knowing life was worth living, even with all the heartache, fear, regret and sadness.
I suppose I could one day regret not taking the road more traveled. But I guess others wish they could have taken the one I’m on. As I said, there’s tradeoffs.
The whole point here is that we can’t and shouldn’t live someone else’s life. It’s not what we were put here to do. We all have a role to play in this big world of ours. And the only thing we can do is ask ourselves from time to time, “Is this what my life is supposed to be?”
If it’s not, it’s never too late to change it, whether it’s a small change of a major one. I can vouch for the fact that it’s possible. Yes, there is a cost. In the short term it can be a high price to pay, too. But down the road, at least you know that you’re living life on your terms, no-one else’s. I know that some of my regular readers are nodding their heads right now.
When I look into the eyes of my son, he sees a father who tries his best to enjoy the life he created, knowing that old dad has been brave enough to step off into the unknown and take risks, even stupid ones, and still be alive to tell about it.
Years ago, someone once asked me a very simple question: “Would you rather be famous or rich?”
I immediately replied, “Famous, of course.”
Not in a celebrity famous way. If that happened, great. But I put it in much simpler terms.
Someday when I’m gone, I want someone else to remember that I was here. If I have touched the life of one other person, then everything I’ve done in my life was worth it. All they have to do is look at a picture or recall a memory and say, “Hey, remember that guy who…” and smile. Then I can call my life a success.
We love to think our life is boring. But if we were to count up these moments, those with our children, with our friends, with our family and others we touch every single day, I think we would agree that while our time here is indeed limited, we make a bigger impact than we ever thought. And in the process, our lives are far more interesting and important than we ever imagined because we made a difference in this world of ours. And that is the true magic of living.
Out on the Treasure Coast singing “I Did It My Way”…
– Robb