Like most people, I used to think I was totally in control, not only of my own life, but those of others. In the impatience and inadequacy of my youth, I spent endless hours torturing over what others were up to, what they thought of me, how I could get them to do what I wanted them to, and what I was willing to do for them in return.
In some respects, we are all control freaks at this time in our lives. We have roles we play – student, spouse, ambitious corporate up-and-comer, devoted parent, loyal friend – and we all wear the icons of being in control. I think my old pirate friend put it best regarding this. When asked “Why are you wearing a pirate costume?” Curly would say, “We all wear costumes. Some people wear a suit and a tie. Others are more honest about who they really are.”
The costume of my youth was of two different personas: Control Freak and Controlled Freak.
I was really best at being controlled, not controlling. In the need to be liked (by virtually anyone), I sold my self down the river so many times I should have ended up in New Orleans. I would regularly surrender my own needs, desires and worse, happiness, all in the name of being loved, being accepted, being liked, being admired… shall I go on?
Why did I do it? By now, I think we all know that I like to be loved. That is really important to me. But this can come at a high cost. In pursuit of love, I have let myself drift into situations that ended up being very unpleasant. It’s not that the people I was involved with were unpleasant, they weren’t. They were just doing their own thing, and that’s one of the most important lessons I have learned in the past couple years since the ex-whatever rocketed out of my life and set off for parts unknown.
I came to the realization that the entire relationship, and just about every one before it, was based on control. They wanted me to be a certain way and behave a certain way, and I, in return, would try to get them to do the same thing. This sounds like an average relationship, but this constant game of push-me, pull-you exacts its toll. One or both of you eventually end up wondering what that hell you’re doing here because neither of you are getting anything out of it.
Boy, that’s a fun existence. I know. Been there, done that. I am still selling half-off t-shirts in the lobby from some of these misadventures.
What finally gave me insight into the folly of this control game was the book the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you are open to changing your life or more important, your perception of life, read this book. Powerful stuff.
It’s only four things you need to learn to do. Here they are in abbreviated form:
- Be Impeccable With Your Words
- Don’t Take Anything Personally
- Don’t Make Assumptions
- Always Do Your Best
That’s it. Well, that’s not really it, because these things run counter to the rules of the Control Game.
Be impeccable with your words. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? But what it really means is that you don’t speak poorly of yourself or of others. Words as we know are very powerful things and they can be used to hurt and wound as much as they can serve as the path to truth and love.
Don’t take anything personally. People act in their own self-interest. What they say or think about you is their reality, not yours. You need to become immune to the opinions and actions of others. Otherwise, you will suffer needlessly in your life.
Don’t make any assumptions. Ask for what you want. Communicate your needs clearly to others in order to avoid drama, hurt or misunderstandings. This is the biggy here. Because if you are honest about your own needs, others have to either accept them or not. There is no wiggle room. And ultimately, only you can make you happy.
Always do your best. This is my favorite. As a creative kind of guy, I always question everything about my self-worth. I think that’s where I have always been easy to control. I am, after all, my own creation. It’s so easy to fall in the trap of letting others judge you and your life. This is where all the self-abuse comes from and regret. We feel that we’re never good enough. It’s hard to accept and practice, but always doing your best – given the situation and resources – is a very freeing experience. None of us are perfect. Own your mistakes, but also own your successes.
So, what does all this have to do with being free of the control of others? Simple. For me, I did things to please others, rarely me. In order to get my way on a few things, I would sell out on a lot of other things that seemed less important. But they weren’t. We are the sum of everything inside us, and if we keep taking things away that are important to us, or are part of our core, we are left with nothing – we become lifeless.
I know that I have had several periods in my life when I was miserable, not just with the situation, but with the fact that I allowed myself to be in it. Again, I can’t control what others do, say or think. But I can be true to my own feelings.
We all like to say it’s hard to do, that we have a role to play in life, and that we chose the role we have. I’m not saying that anyone should abandon ship and jump into the lifeboats at the first sign of trouble. What I am saying is we all need to be a little more vigilant about steering the ship so we avoid the icebergs that we see in the distance. It’s a mistake to think we don’t have enough rudder or can’t turn in time. We all have plenty of rudder, the ability to control our own lives, no one else’s. And letting no one control ours in return.
Out on the Treasure Coast (it’s actually Emerald today),
– Robb