Like most men in America, I think about sex from time to time. I guess most of us do, except during football season when men seem to be far more interested in their favorite team than their favorite girl, unless, she’s wearing pads and a helmet. that is.
I think there’s a reason for this and if we were to be objective about the issue, it could be fixed quickly to the, uh, mutual satisfaction of all involved.
Love lifes all over America between August and January could be greatly improved if we took a couple of pages from professional football and adapted them to sex. It could even revolutionize sex in America and probably lead to a second baby boom. In fact, I think professional and college football is the single most reason why the population is stagnant now. They should be required to support my initiative. In fact, they should enthusiastically get behind it, since it creates new generations of sports fans.
So, here’s the idea. Bring the concepts of NFL football to the bedroom. Each August, we would all have to go through training camp. We need to get in shape for game day, build up our stamina and work on our plays.
Plays you say? Yes. All men have their own moves. They rarely come up with new plays, thinking the ones they have already are great because they apparently score every time with them. A full-on tilt for the end zone and SCORE!! Game over.
But there are more plays in the playbook. If a guy really wants to be a team player, he needs to know them all. Otherwise, he may not be able to recognize an all out blitz and end up on his back, with a ring around his finger.
These plays, of course, must be rehearsed over and over in camp. Lots of practice gentlemen. Sometimes you’re doing one-on-one drills; other times you’re on your own, going through the moves all alone in your room, late at night, until the point of exhaustion.
So where does this all lead? To opening day, of course. It’s time to put the plays into action. A well executed offense that confuses the defense to the point where you are scoring constantly is the goal here.
This leads to another important concept in football that works equally well with sex – protection. Men know how important it is to protect the starting quarterback who is responsible for ensuring that his balls get as close to the opponent’s end zone as often as possible.
Inevitably, someone isn’t going to be making the plays. They won’t score enough. I think this is an ideal opportunity to add the concept of player trades into the sexual arena. If a player just isn’t cutting it in the game, they could be traded for a more talented player.
How do you know who’s cutting it and who’s not? This is where statistics are invaluable. Obviously, accurate stats need to be kept — the number of attempts, completions, incomplete passes, fumbles, point after attempts and punts.
In an ideal world, everyone plays fair. But we know this rarely happens. Someone will blow a coverage or they will run the wrong route. Like football, there would have to be penalties.
These could easily be taken right from the NFL, too.
Penalties could be assessed for any number of offenses.
“Backfield in motion” comes to mind. “Encroachment”, definitely. “Improper formation” will work, as will “offsides” and “roughing the passer”. “Lining up in the neutral zone” would be subject to penalty as well, though I think “too many men on the field” would depend on the game you’re playing. Oh, and “illegal substitution” would have to be called on occasion.
This requires a referee, I suppose. I don’t think I would mind. Especially since they would need to have the instant replay available to review penalties. That would really help us know for sure who scored when and how.
This really could be a game changer, you know. No longer would we have porn movies. They would be training films. You could bring in a coach to help you with technique and it would be OK to have a one-on-one session with them.
While I don’t mind having a ref calling the game, I think I would have to draw the line at having running commentary. I don’t want a couple guys up in booth calling every play I run or worse, having a color commentator.
“Robb’s faked a pass and now he’s diving into the end zone.”
“Well, you know, Dave. Robb’s tried this move time and time again and always seems to come up a bit short in these pressure situations. We’ll have to see if he doesn’t blow it again here.”
“Thanks for that Jimbo. And you’re right. It looks like he’s come up short again. Another huge disappointment. I think they may have to think about bringing in a new starter who can deliver the goods.”
Yeah, on second thought, I’m not going for the whole footballization of sex. I’ve already been cut from a few teams. But it wasn’t for lack of performance. I wasn’t following the plays that were being called, but roaming out of the pocket and improvising too often. That didn’t make the other team happy.
I guess I can always turn to coaching, eh? I think I’d like the perks of that job.
Out on the Emerald Coast, wondering if I’m still in the game,
– Robb