As a typical screwed up male, I tend to bounce around life like a ball in a pinball machine that is constantly flashing tilt! I don’t know why this is so. I often attribute it to a gypsy soul, one that is always seeking solace but craves adventure. It is, I suppose, which makes me who I am, for better or worse.
Unfortunately, this gives me little perspective about myself. I instead live in a delusional world which, without someone to lift the veil of intrigue and lure of fantasy, would probably would have ended with me in a gutter somewhere, paper bagged bottle in hand, talking to people who aren’t even there.
If you think this is unthinkable, don’t. I have indeed held a paper bagged bottle in my hand, though it was only at my going away party when I was I was in between jobs and had a “Bellevue Mission – Bring Your Own Bread” party before moving to San Francisco for a month. I have also been known to talk to myself all the time, which one could argue is the same as talking to people who aren’t even there, though I have done that too. The only thing I haven’t done is end up in a gutter somewhere, passed out drunk. A beach yes, but so far, no gutter.
I can thank my A-Ha! Friend for this. Now, this isn’t a single friend throughout all time here on this Earth. At various points in my life, I have had different A-Ha! Friends who have boldly taken up the mantle of being totally honest with me about this plight I call life.
Often they open my eyes. Sometimes they open doors. Always they offer up the unvarnished truth that allows me to go, “A-ha!” We all have these moments – the moment in time when we realize we are indeed full of shit. Sorry for the vulgarism. But really, what else can you possibly say here?
We all like to skip down our own primrose path of self-deception and self-indulgence. We convince ourselves that we are delirious happy when we’re on the verge of tears. We boldly announce to everyone that we’re going to quit our job and move thousands of miles away because we truly always wanted to be a carnie, not a lawyer. We tell our new girlfriend that we love birds, even though we ran from the theater screaming when Tippi Hedren was attacked by the seagull in Birds. We try desperately to see the world as we want it to be, instead of the way it really is.
As I discuss my varied and often misguided ideas with my A-Ha! Friend, it’s invariably followed by a moment of silence. I suppose that’s because that’s what it deserves. A moment to ponder the idiocy of my idea, so it can be buried with full honors in a remote corner of my cemetery of misadventures.
I love this moment, quite frankly. Because when something I am thinking is met with silence, I know what’s coming next. There’s no need to try to sell it any more. The boom is about to be lowered and an A-Ha! moment is to follow.
Now, all my ideas aren’t bad. Sometimes my A-Ha! Friend will applaude me for the plan. On occasion, they will even be mystified by its insight and brilliance.
More often than not, however, they have to play the Bad Cop when there is no Good Cop in sight.
This happened recently. My very good friend Maureen and I were speaking about my impending trip to Seattle, which will undoubtedly be the subject of many future RobZerrvations. I was talking about me leaving there and how the place sucked and how I was so glad to come to Florida.
When I finished, there was a long moment of silence. Yes, the reality train was about to pull into the station.
“Robb, did you ever think that you weren’t running from Seattle, but from a bad marriage, and that Florida was just an excuse to do that.”
Wow! That was good stuff. Another A-Ha! moment. I had never ever associated my escape to the swaying palms to be because of a failed marriage. I just thought I was tired of the cold, the earthquakes, the traffic and everything else I had seen and experienced in 45 years in Washington. And after all, who wouldn’t want to leave that and head for the Florida sun?
Thanks to this one moment, I changed my entire mindset. I went back to Seattle, not to just visit my friends and family, but to visit an old friend. She had been there with me my whole life and I didn’t appreciate her like I should have. Instead of bragging about her good points, I railed against the bad. And in the process, I fell in love with Seattle all over again.
What does this mean? Well, you won’t see me making fun of it anymore. I will still make fun of Renton. It’s where I grew up. But not the surrounding communities in the following specific areas: coffee, earthquakes, grunge, rain, traffic, rust, people.
There will still be occasional jibes at specific people and I assure you there will be a RobZerrvation about coffee, but only related to my own inability to master ordering a cup of coffee in Seattle, even when I lived there. There’s something to be said for just saying, “I’ll have the same thing” when a friend orders coffee. It saves time and in my case, embarrassment.
I can’t tell you how much my A-Ha! Friend has meant over the years. Each has brought clarity to my life, pointed out my wrong doings, asked what lessons I perhaps had learned, and held my hand through my own hours of self-analysis.
And rarely if ever, has any A-Ha! Friend ever interjected with an “I told you so!”
I hope you have an A-Ha! Friend, too. If you don’t, sorry, but I can’t help you. There’s no way I’m lending mine out. They may just find someone who’s even more screwed up than I am and then I am left bereft of my much needed A-Ha moments!
Out on the Treasure Coast once again, cooking up my next ill-conceived plan,
– Robb