Once again, I am flying the coop. Another trip to the airport. Another destination (OK, so it’s seems to be the same destination always as of late).
I have flown more in the last year than the last 10 combined it seems. I feel as if I am living at the airport and if not there, in the car on the way to it.
Fortunately, all this time in concourses and on planes has given me some time to reflect about how we could improve the whole experience.
I really don’t think it has to be the trauma that it is. We can blame those damned terrorists for making flying much less enjoyable. These days we have to wind our way through endless cues in security and face a virtual strip search. And when that’s over, we have to fight our way past inconsiderate passengers who make it their goal to stuff an impossibly overfilled carryon into the small overhead bin, only to find our way to a seat that is made for a midget, not an average human being.
As anyone who has dashed across country or the world on a marathon flight knows, flying is very boring. You don’t even get a meal on most flights anymore, only a pack of stale peanuts or a cookie and some pop. There’s really nothing to do on the plane, except zone out.
At least Delta has some inflight entertainment. But I get tired of playing trivia as I have found that the onboard trivia game has a lot of wrong answers and I end up wanting to yell at the guy in seat 34F because he got the right answer to a question I missed only because I chose the right answer, not the one they said it was.
I really wish they would let me pass the time playing slots on the video screen instead. Think how cool that would be.
Swipe your credit card and watch the tumblers spin. Oops, you lost $100. Pull again and bam, you get the flight free! Go for the Progressives, hit the jackpot and they take you right up to your seat in first class, like you’re a high roller. Go double or nothing and lose and you end up in the baggage compartment.
For their part, the flight attendants can add a lot to this money making machine. If you’re gambling, you get free drinks onboard. They can dress like Vegas cocktail waitresses and every half hour walk up and down the aisles selling Keno cards.
I would so be all over flying on an airline like that, though an airline by the name of “Take a Gamble Air” would give me momentary pause.
As a passenger, I don’t like to get out of my seat to use the bathroom. Even on a 5 1/2 flight, I ain’t going, if you know what I mean. I have this unfounded fear of hitting turbulence and getting my butt stuck in the seat, “stuckbuttaphobia.” I can just see me being featured in a “Breaking News” segment on local television, as I am being extricated from the aircraft, toilet stuck to my ass.
I would rather that all seats just have porta potties built right in. Push a button overhead, a curtain drops down around you from the same place they have the oxygen masks. You do your little duty right there and then, push a button and everything gets vacuum sucked out.
Of course, I realize that this could release unpleasant odors at times. In these cases, the passengers around you would have the option of pushing their own buttons to have their oxygen mask drop down so they don’t have to enjoy the beans you had for lunch a second time.
When it comes time to depart the aircraft, everyone who has insisted on bringing their luggage aboard and placing it in the overhead compartments should have to sit and wait for those of us who paid to have our luggage checked to get off first. I would even pay an extra $10 per bag just so I didn’t have to wait for 90 pound chick with the 50 pound carryon to wrestle it out of the bin, knocking fellow passengers senseless in the process.
As far as fixing security, they should have Disney help them. If you’ve been to Disney, you know how crafty their cues can be. Because there is so much going on around you, you don’t even notice that you’ve stood in line for an hour to go on a three minute ride. You’re not angry, in fact, you’re happy about it.
They could do the same thing with security. I’m thinking some photo opps with airline mascots, some interactive displays like Star Tours has and animatronics. Imagine Mr. Potato Head from Toy Story reminding us that we need to empty everything from our pockets or finally finding out that Woody never lost his six shooter, it was seized by TSA.
Those full body scanners are a marketing Mecca waiting to happen. While you’re standing there, why not project the latest fashions available from Macy’s in front of you so you can see what you’d look like. Or, they could adopt the Levi technology and you can order up a custom pair of jeans at a kiosk on the other side, knowing that they will fit your body form perfectly.
In terms of marketing, why not just convert the whole airport into one giant set of billboards, so it looks like Times Square. What else is there to do at an airport anyway but look at the walls and windows. Cover them with advertising.
That could totally change the Sky Mall catalog, by the way. Why wait to get on the plane? Let people shop right there in the terminal for all those amazing yet pretty useless items that sound so inviting at 35,000 feet when you’re in your oxygen deprived state.
I do have to draw the line regarding a few ideas. RyanAir once floated the idea of having hand straps hanging above the aisle so people could just stand during short flights. Let’s just not go there. Isn’t the beverage cart enough of an obstacle for those with overflowing bladders?
And I have to say that while I’m anxious to get the cheapest flight possible, I will not ever buy the $9 each way flights that Spirit advertises. It’s just too windy sitting in seats 22 J and K, out there on the wing.
Out on the Treasure Coast, thinking that doggy stair in Sky Mall looks pretty inviting, even though I don’t have a dog,
– Robb