I have had many loves in my life. But as of late, a new love has come into my life and I think it only fair that I tell you about it.
I have made it a practice here in RobZerrvations to lay out my entire life… the good, the bad and the downright ugly. So why not admit that I have a love affair going on and it’s been going on for some time.
You see, my iPhone and I are virtually inseparable.
It wasn’t so many years ago, that I never had to worry about having such a love. Back in the landline days, a cellphone would have been both a blessing and a curse. I can’t recall how many times that I was stranded on the side of a freeway or out in the middle of nowhere and needed to make a call. Even in their heyday, pay phones were few and far between in our world. Sure, you could find one hanging out at a local gas station, but if I was even remotely near a gas station I wouldn’t be having a problem with a broken down car, would I?
Of course, there were times when I was glad cellphones hadn’t yet been invented. There was indeed a time in my life when I wanted to be hard to reach, and not necessarily for good reasons.
The age-old excuse, “But honey, I couldn’t find a phone” or “I didn’t have a quarter” just doesn’t work in our connected world these days. Even if your cellphone is on the fritz, chances are very good that the person you are with has a cellphone. You might have to block the number so your significant other doesn’t know you’re dating her best friend, but still, cellphones make the old excuses implausible and downright lame.
Our relationship wasn’t always so pleasant. I had a Razr before the iPhone came into my life. The thing was a nightmare. It was fine as a phone, but it wasn’t mistress material. Whenever I would run my fingers over its shiny keypad I got nothing but nonsense in a text because I could never figure out that I had to push the 3 three times to get an E. How does anyone text with a dumphone?
But my with my new love, I can text with reckless abandon, even mastering the two thumb technique. And if I really want to turn on the afterburners, I can use my wireless keyboard. Just try to keep up with me when I am full-on connected technologically.
Lately, my mistress has become more daring in our relationship. When the new iOS update come out, I thought it would be cool to let it alert me to new facebook messages, tweets, texts and voicemails.
Before long the thing was ringing and chiming like a loose slot machine in Vegas. It was making everyone crazy. Eventually, I figured out how to calm her down a bit, silencing some of the notification features and turning off some of the sounds that accompanied the alerts.
This became essential as it was keeping others awake at night. Everyone would be sound asleep and with a bing, clang and chirp, the messages would announce their arrival. I finally figured out how to turn them off temporarily and just go with vibrate. It’s much better when my mistress isn’t mouthing off all the time.
Even so, the vibrating can be pretty brisk. For a while, I didn’t know how to set it so that it would only vibrate once. Instead, if I ignored it, it would vibrate again and again, like it had made a midnight swing by a porn store and stocked up on extra batteries.
I can hear what you’re saying. Why do you need a mistress with you all the time? For companionship? Well, yes. My mistress can do some things that no one else has ever done for me. I can stay in touch with everyone everywhere, including getting emails and text messages for my business. But even better, whenever I am stuck somewhere, such as in a doctor’s office or in a never-ending waiting line, my mistress knows how to amuse me in the most delightful ways.
While I don’t like to play games in my relationships, I never mind playing games with my mistress. My god, and what games. SkeeBall, bowling, car racing, Wild West high noon battles, snowboarding… I can hardly find time to catch my breath when I’m with my mistress, she’s so sporty.
Things have indeed gotten worse, I admit. I have trained my clients how to use text messaging so they can stay in contact with me. Thanks to the release of my book, I am now receiving tweets from Twitter, comments from memoirsofabuccaneer.com to review and respond to and sales to monitor. And I haven’t even gotten too involved in the many forums out there where I can promote my book or make progress on the new one in the works.
I know my mistress can be a pain sometimes. People talk behind my back. They glare. They judge. I did too at once point. I used to look at the people snuggling up with their smartphones at the expense of everyone around them, unapologetic in their adoration. And now I’m one of them.
So there you go. It’s out in the open now. I am in love big time. We are virtually inseparable. My mistress spends a lot of time in my pants. And when she’s not there, she’s whispering sweet voice mails into my ear.
What I haven’t admitted to my mistress yet is that there is someone else in my life, someone I love even more than her. I mean, my iPhone is nice and all. But she can’t hold a candle to my iPad.
Shh, don’t tell anyone. If word gets out I just know that there will be hard feelings, then dropped calls and finally, No Service. Geez, that sounds like my last marriage.
Down in the Keys, waiting to see if I can get five bars this morning,
– Robb