A friend of mine and I were on the phone the other day and he was telling me about the new dating etiquette that seems to be taking hold in Washington State. He had met a lovely lady who he just wanted to be friends with and she had given similar signs that that would be something she would like as well.
Failing to respond to a followup email, he opted to call her one day. She politely replied that she couldn’t talk at the moment as she was driving. As all my Washington friends know, that is a big no-no in the state and carries a hefty fine.
My friend hung up, totally understanding her predicament. A few days later, he called again. And again she was in traffic. This woman really seemed to be going places, but not in a good way. Every time he called, she seemed to be in traffic.
I know traffic can be pretty horrific in Seattle, but I can’t help but wonder why she would be answering her phone when she’s always in traffic.
And then it dawned on me (I know, I’m a bit slow on the uptake); she wasn’t really in traffic to begin with.
I come from an age where you would just be upfront with people. If you didn’t have the time to talk you just simply said, “Hey, I’m really busy right now, can we talk later?”
I can even take a “Hey, I really don’t feel a connection here. Let’s just move on and cherish the brief time we had together.”
But to keep me believing that you’re always in traffic, morning, noon and night? I think that’s a bit rude. Even if you’re in traffic, it’s pretty rude.
Of course, me the ever prankster, decided to have a little fun with my old friend. As we were on the phone, I did a quick Google search for traffic noise. Within a moment, I had traffic blaring in the background.
“What the hell is that?” he asked.
I said, “Sorry, I’m stuck in traffic. Can I call you back?”
We both laughed, but then it dawned on me. What a great new product to sell people.
If you remember back in the day, you could buy a sound effects record. It would have doorbells and trains… all sorts of cool sounds. I’m not sure why the average person would want one of these, but still, they were fun to check out of the library on occasion, just so I could freak my mom out with the roar of a jet plane flying low over her bed in the middle of the night.
This was not easy to accomplish back in the analog days. I had to do some pretty fancy smuggling of a stereo, turntable and speakers in order to get the sound just right.
Today, thanks to computers, this is far easier. Hell, you can even load some sound effects onto your iPhone and have a little fun with the misses as she’s trying to fall asleep next to you. Push a button and a loud car horn blares! HOOONNNNK! What a crack up!
But the opportunity for product sales is inescapable. All someone needs to do is create an iPhone or iPod app that can call up any sound effect instantly. The best app would be one that can be on the iPhone and the sound could be routed directly through the speaker to make it more authentic, as if it were happening in the area around you.
The sound doesn’t even need to be that good, as you’d want it to sound live, not Memorex.
Imagine the possibilities. Thanks to Caller ID you instantly see who’s calling you. You could just let it go to voice mail, but then you’d feel an obligation to call them back. But with our new sound effects app, there’s no need.
Answer the call and sound like you’re so excited and happy to hear from them. Chit chat for a few minutes about anything you want to. If you want to be particularly evil, start into a particularly juicy story or piece of gossip. As you do, thumb through the various scenarios in your app.
The possibilities are endless. You’ve just gotten to the good part of the story or the punchline of the joke and the fire alarm suddenly goes off. Or the person on the other end of the line here’s glassware crashing and shattering on the floor. A baby crying is always good (just make sure you have children). An unexpected knock at the door, perhaps or a small explosion.
Want to embarrass the caller? activate the more blue sound effects – a toilet flushing, a girl or guy moaning in the heat of passion, someone choking or dying… the list goes on.
If you work your app right, chances are good the caller will never contact you again.
Just think of it. You’re behind on your bills. A bill collector calls. They can be difficult to get rid of. This where a combo sound solution will come in handy. Start with the knock on the door, foot shuffle, answer door, then a gunshot and the last breaths of the assailant as he dies. Then return to the call, apologizing because you were interrupted by a salesman. They will never call you again.
If you want to end it with a girl you’ve been dating, go with this combo: sounds of kissing, then oooing and ahhing, heavy breathing then full on orgasm on a level of When Harry Met Sally. Be sure that you sound a bit distracted during the call, but otherwise pretend that nothing else is happening. You’re not even having to lie, when you say nothing’s gone on – because nothing is!
As you can see, this new sound effects app collection could be huge. I know I could be making big money off this, but I’m just an idea guy. However, if you end up making a mint on this idea, expect a call from me. It won’t do any good to try this whole sound effects bit on me – remember, I’m on to ya!
Out on the Treasure Coast, trying to get that “mother berating you” sound effect off my phone – oh, wait, it is my mother,
– Robb