I found out a few days ago that a one time girlfriend of mine was about to get married. Whenever this happens, I can’t help but place myself in an alternate time and space and wonder if that would have been me caught in the snare.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not anti-marriage, even after my checkered career of success in it. I simply wonder sometimes what makes certain people tie the knot while other flee for their lives as if marriage was a relative of Godzilla, crushing all the hopes and dreams in its path as the villagers flee for their lives.
I only say this because this particular ex-whatever hasn’t been married before. This, of course, sets off alarm bells in my head, largely because the last ex that hauled me down the aisle also hadn’t been married before.
I can’t help but think this sets up unrealistic expectations. Having been married, I know how much hard work it takes, including a large measure of compromise and putting your own needs aside at times to meet someone else’s. Marriage is a tough balancing act.
Not being married in your 20s or even early 30s isn’t such a bad thing. But once you hit my age and you’ve never been married, I have to be a bit frightened about the prospects of success.
This is particularly true if you’ve already agreed upon what I call the Rules of Engagement. As you enter a relationship, there is usually at least some measure of agreement about what the potential outcome of said relationship may be. It’s fine if you both agree to date casually with individual domiciles, live in sin or tie the knot. But sometimes, one person will say that living in sin is fine, only to change the Rules of Engagement later on, thinking marriage is a far better option.
In the case of the ex-whatever, we never dated long enough to establish any Rules of Engagement. We were still in the “my shit doesn’t stink” stage where everything the other person does is wonderful.
As anyone who has been married knows, it can stink, and it can stink often in a long term relationship where you are together day in and day out. And this is where the never been married thing begins to worry me.
I mentioned it casually to a friend of mine and she didn’t seem to understand the importance of the never been married issue.
I put it this way. Say you think in your head that you are the most talented, loyal and productive employee on the earth and that anyone is lucky to have you. But in the last 53 years no one has ever hired you. So you’re an unknown in the working world. No one knows if you’d be good or not.
Now, think of this same scenario in the matrimonial world. You think you’d make a great spouse, but you’ve never had to be one.
After my last error in judgement in this regard, I knew that the only potential mate for me in the future had to be married at one time, or even more than one time. This would ensure that they had shed their Prince Charming idea of a mate and that they would be more realistic about the relationship from the get-go.
I know that everyone has to start somewhere, but I think if you’re going to have a successful life you should get your “starter marriage” out of the way early on. I certainly did. I was just a mere boy a beardless youth when I married my then high school sweetheart. We had nothing but love to rely on. And then we found out that that didn’t pay the bills, it didn’t put food on the table and it certainly didn’t keep the relationship together as soon as we hit a rocky point.
That’s because both of us had totally unrealistic expectations about what a marriage was. We didn’t have any of the skills needed to keep it going: she wasn’t really good at dish throwing yet, going wide every time. I didn’t understand that the couch could be a much more comfortable place to sleep when faced with the option of a lumpy couch or an angry spouse. I hadn’t learned the importance of giving your dog a bite of your dinner to see if it’s poisoned. And I certainly didn’t know that I should never have foam pillows as they are the best choice for smothering your spouse in their sleep. Always go with feather pillows. They breathe.
I certainly wish my ex-whatever the very best. My friends are always amazed that I still am pro-marriage and that I haven’t been jaded by my own track record.
When it comes to my own relationships, I like to think of them in horse racing terms. As Jan says, I readily get into the starting gate. I would rarely balk or put up a fight. Once I was in, I was raring to go. I would break from the gate cleanly and head quickly into the first turn. Along the backstretch I would go to the rail, trying to make the distance with a strong finish. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, I would become bogged down. I was never a good mudder. I would begin to fade on the final turn and down the front stretch I was running out of gas. I finished the race, but didn’t Show, Place and I certainly didn’t Win.
But still, I would gladly run another race. Like any wily thoroughbred, I love the thrill of the race. And you never know, one day I may just get to the Winner’s Circle. And you know what that means — oh, yeah, being put out to stud.
Out on the Treasure Coast, wondering if I should be wearing blinders for the next race,
– Robb