I am a minority. There, I said it. No, it’s not because I’m over 50. Or the fact that I’m a white male. Or even that I am dyslexic, which is now covered by the American Disabilities Act.
It’s because I am left handed. Yes, I am one of the lucky 10% of the world who at one time were considered sinister in some societies. You know, the unclean hand in Middle Eastern cultures.
Ah, lucky me. Well, the truth be told, I am lucky. I found out recently that the dyslexia combined with left-handedness is one of the reasons I am so creative. I used to think everyone was creative like me, but some recent research has come to light that shows this it not the case.
Unfortunately, for every yin there is a yang. And in this case, a story in the Wall Street Journal rained on my lefty parade.
I can only assume this was written at the vengeful hand of a righty. No lefty in his right mind (is this even possible?) would ever out us as being more likely to have brain disorders, from ADHD to schizophrenia. No, I’m not being paranoid. At least I don’t think I am.
For centuries we lefties have been discriminated against. In high school and in college, there were the infamous student desks that were one piece units. You slipped into it and there was a desk on one side – always the right side. To take notes, I had to endure the pain of my forearm dangling in mid air for 50 minutes, scribbling furiously in right handed notebooks, which left deep spiral marks on my wrist for hours.
I know, you righties are laughing right now. You could care less. And I’ve learned to live in your right-centric world, learning to master a righty can opener or a righty ladle. Bet you didn’t even notice the righty ladle issue, eh? A lot of ladles only have a pour notch on one side… the right side.
And, of course, I’ve had to endure the endless ridicule when I try to leave a retail establishment and inevitably try to push the wrong side of the door, the one that my left handed logic tells me should be the natural way a door opens.
If that weren’t enough, now I have pseudo-science telling me that my mother is to blame for my being left handed. Well, in most cases. You see, only 25% of all lefties are that way because of good old genetics. The others are left handed because they were born to older mothers, were of lower birth weight or mom was subjected to a lot of stress during pregnancy.
No doubt my mom was pretty stressed. With good reason, too. She already had three other little boys to contend with at home, the oldest 10, then 7 and the youngest 4. I imagine she lay there in the K-Mart parking lot in Renton stressed out of her mind at the thought of popping another boy out and having to add to the rude brood already at home. She desperately wanted a girl, but the baby gods frowned on that option and I came along instead.
So, I’ll go with the flow here for a moment and let you know the results of this so called study. First, lefties have the same IQ as right handers, but make 10% less in the workplace. Why? Because we tend to be more creative, a little harder control and are better at taking existing knowledge and developing new concepts from them. Righty bosses obviously hate new concepts that didn’t come from them.
I know, righties. You have disdain for all this creativity that comes with being left handed. So you decided to even up the score a bit, using your superior math and statistics skills to belittle those of us in the minority through science. Don’t believe me? In the study, they found that while lefties only make up 10% of the population, 20% of all schizophrenics are left handed. And again, I’m not being paranoid. At least I don’t think I am.
Remember that old saw, “lefties are the only ones in their right minds.” The belief was that right handed people relied on their left lobe, lefties on their right. Not true we find. Seventy percent of all lefties use the left side, too. Only 30% use the right brain or both lobes.
I would imagine, given my severe dyslexia, that I fall into the lucky 30% because my brain is definitely wired very differently from those around me, right down to my inability to logic things out. In fact, I had to drop Introduction to Logic in college because I just didn’t understand any of it. I failed even the most basic logic exam the second week.
So, the name calling continues. And the discrimination. Sure, I can get a left handed can opener, but I’ve already adapted to your righty world. I play a right handed guitar, which I admit is actually an advantage, since it’s harder for righties to learn chording, which is the tough left handed part of playing. I have learned to golf poorly with right handed clubs, deluding myself into believing that if I had left handed ones I would be on the PGA tour. I still don’t get “lefty loosy, righty tighty” and I always do just the opposite, making the damned lid or fitting even tighter.
I am not really complaining. In many ways I have been blessed. I almost had two perfect children in my life (they are both right handed). I was sure that my then wife was stressed out enough to have a lefty – after all, she was married to me. How much more stressful could life get? And I will someday meet the girl of my dreams (I have never dated a left handed girl that I know of).
So laugh righties, laugh. Have your day in the sun. Enjoy your majority status, lord it over the rest of us who are left to deal with your right-centric world. I just hope that God is really left handed, and that he bitch slaps you all when you arrive at the pearly gates. Which, by the way, has two lines – one for lefties and one for righties. Guess who gets to get in the shorter line?
Out on the Treasure Coast, left alone to my own devices once again,
– Robb