Hey Rick. It’s Me, God.

Posted by admin on January 9, 2012 in Politics, Religion |

The Internet is an amazing tool for researchers who know how to find what they are looking for.

With the presidential elections beginning to heat up, I thought I should do a little legwork myself to figure out who the players are. I know who Willard and Newton Leroy are (those would be Mitt and Newt’s real names), but I was having trouble with a few others.

Frankly, I was a bit relieved when I finally figured out who Ron Paul is. I initially got him confused with RuPaul. I thought he was just behind in the polls because he was a drag queen, but then remembered that Michelle Bachmann was doing pretty good in the race, so a man dressing up as a woman must not be an issue this year. Then I discovered that Ron Paul is some really old guy who thinks no government is the best government, which leads me to wonder then why we would need him as president at all, since there would be nothing for him to do.

Then there’s this Rick Santorum fellow who has charged ahead in the pack, nipping at Mitt Romney’s heels.

It took me a while to figure out why he’s so popular. After all, his recent statements to the media are about whacked as you can get without being institutionalized. Even my old girlfriend Psycho looks normal next to him.

It seems that Rick thinks of himself as a mouthpiece for God. Like Pat Buchanan before him, he’s decided that he is in charge of our moral destiny, that we are destroying our country by allowing gays to sow their seeds with reckless abandon in dimly lit huka bars, and that doctors in signless neighborhood clinics are luring young women in to rob them of their unborn children so they can sell the cord blood and stem cells on the black market.

I didn’t mind Rick Santorum before, largely because no one listened to him. Even God was ignoring him… his dance card has been pretty full with Tim Tebow, who continues to bring him into the starting lineup in overtime to pull off yet another miracle.

So Rick has been left to his own devices, spewing nonsense nonstop, as if he were speaking in tongues. All that was missing were the snakes, but Newt and Mitt were nowhere to be found.

Fortunately, as I was looking for the latest Casey Anthony video for my weekly dose of stupidity, I accidentally came across a Rick Santorum tape that had also been released.

I clicked on the link. It was a recording of Rick and another guy, someone who had obviously been drunk dialing and thought he was calling Dial a Prayer. He miskeyed, ending up with Rick instead.

“Hi, you’ve reached Rick Santorum, candidate for the GOP nomination for president,” he answered. There was a momentary silence on the other end of the line.

“Sorry, Rick, uh, wrong number.” Before the caller could hang up, Rick recognized the voice.

“God? Is that you?”

“Yeah, Rick, it’s me. Guess I had a little too much sacramental wine this evening. Was trying to leave a new message on Dial a Prayer but ended up with you. Just my luck.”

“God, it’s so good to hear from you. This isn’t the first time we’ve talked.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Well I guess this is the first time you’ve taken the time to talk back, God. How ya been?”

“Look, I’m kind of busy Rick. You know, people starving, fighting and dying all over the world. Cleaning up a lot of messes here. Which reminds me…”

“Yes God?”

“Rick, you really need to quick speaking on my behalf. People are getting the wrong idea here and it’s beginning to piss me off.”

“Like what, Lord?”

“Like this contraception is dangerous to our country thing. You say that ‘it’s not okay.” Well it is Rick. Remember back in Roman times, when all the male babies were killed? Did I ever smite them for that, Rick? Huh? And that mothers staying home, barefoot and pregnant thing…”

“Yes God. I think one parent should stay at home. It is the woman’s place. In far too many families with young children, both parents are working, when, if they really took an honest look at the budget, they might find they don’t both need to…”

“Rick, buddy, you’re worth $2.5 million. What could you possibly know about working families and budgets? Have you looked at the economy, buddy? Did you notice that times are tough for families now? And you want to blame all of our ills on mothers who, as you say, are victimized by radical feminism?”

A huge clap of thunder came from the sky just outside Rick’s home.

“Are you angry with me God?”

“Ya think, Rick? Saying the Crusades wasn’t a fight of Christendom against Islam? Did you ever read a history book? I was there, Rick. The Catholics in Europe were out to kick some Islamic ass so they could take Jerusalem back. Thank God they didn’t. Hey I just thanked myself. Haha! Good one!”

“And that there are no Palestinians in the West Bank? Come on Rick, what planet are you on? You somehow managed to be even more right wing on this issue than the Israeli government. That, my friend, really is a miracle.”

“Did I say anything at all that pleased you Lord?”

“I did love that one line you said. Which one was it? Oh yes, you said, ‘I believe the earth gets warmer and I also believe the earth gets cooler.’ Love that one Rick. Hey, you know what they call it when the earth gets warmer and then colder and then warmer again Rick?”

“Global warming?”

“Night and day, Rick. That was my doing. Thought it up while creating the heavens and the earth, you know.”

God laughed so hard some snot flew out his nose. “Looks like it’s going to be raining somewhere soon.”

“That’s pretty funny God. I didn’t know you had a sense of humor.”

“You bet Rick. Remember when I whispered in your ear that you could be the next President of the United States? Ashton Kutcher and I were having a few drinks and decided we’d punk ya!”

Rick was quiet.

“Oh and Rick. telling everyone that a true follower of God doesn’t want gays to marry? Wrong-go, guy. I love all my children. Geez! Are you really that stupid, Rick? Maybe I should have smited your ass years ago. Did it ever occur to you that some of the people closest to me are gay?”


“You didn’t hear it from me!”

Out on the Treasure Coast, waiting for my water to turn into wine,

– Robb

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