I want to be upfront here and state that I am not by any stretch a prude. I enjoy the sexual side of life and think that we as a society are mostly messed up because we suppress all the natural urges that are fundamental to our very existence, thanks to those damned Puritans. As we all know, none of us would be around if two horny people (our parents) decided to get it on one night.
It you’re thinking about your own parents doing the horizontal mambo right now and cringing in disgust, don’t blame me. It happens. Even if you’re an only child, it’s guaranteed that your parents did the big nasty at least once.
But this isn’t about your parents. It’s about porn. Which could also conceivably be about your parents, but let’s not go there.
Before the government watchdogs get all excited (oh, now there’s a visual), I’m not going to post any pornography here. I won’t even post any links to youtube.com, which is porn central. Nope, not even a Playboy centerfold.
I am only writing this because the ice storm in Seattle last Thursday interrupted all the satellite feeds on the television, so I am down to listening to the pay-per-view channel promotions.
In the loop is a promo for adult entertainment. Sure, I could spend an entire day stuck in my hotel room with nothing to eat but Rice Krispy Treats and watch porn. In fact, if you think about it, the treats are actually a perfect food for watching porn… kind of sticky and well, you get the idea.
I have watched parts of three X-rated movies in my time. I think one had to do with some cousins in the South, another took place in a kitchen and the other was the porn epic, Pirates XXX, filmed in high definition with hardcore special effects, half naked wenches, pirates offering stiff resistance round after round, and a pretty big ship.
Yeah, that’s about all I know. You’d think I would be glued to the screen – afer all, I love buxom, bodacious wenches. But I just can’t get into all the action on screen because, well, it sucks.
Sometimes it also blows. And I have come to realize that in most productions, the actors are already screwed before they even start shooting. No, I’m no talking about rehearsals. I’m talking about limp, flaccid scripts with no discernible plot.
I discovered this the first time I watched a porn movie. The actress was trying her best to give her co-star a hard time, but it just wasn’t working. The flag was flying at half mast no matter how hard she struggled with the pole.
Worse, she seemed to have a bit of a time remembering her co-star’s name. She would be going at it, saying, “Oh, Brad, Oh, Brad, Oh Mike, Oh, Dave.” Initially I thought she was enjoying the company of several men, but when the camera panned back, it was just ol’ limpy.
Eventually, I could no longer resist. I had to join in.
What? Robb join in for a threesome? Yes, I did. I started to improv the lines. I did both parts, switching sides, in essence, doing both the play by play and the color commentary at the same time.
By now, my friends had joined in. It was a verbal sex fest where we were laughing so hard, we could barely catch our breath.
Now, the entire purpose of porn is to end up in a place where you can barely catch your breath. But I’m pretty sure laughing shouldn’t be part of this journey.
I don’t think the porn producers really had in mind when they spent all their hard earned time and hard earned money putting out… well, what they call art.
It just doesn’t seem to work for me. Perhaps it’s because I have such a fertile imagination that nothing they could put on the screen could meet my high expectations.
Pirates XXX did come close. This baby cost $1 million to make. It starred (I had to look this up), Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Janine Lindemulder, Devon and Jenaveve Jolie. That is the A Team of porn, I am told. It would be like having Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson, Meagan Fox, Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz dressed up as saucy, half naked wenches – wait, that would be a dream movie for me.
But I digress. I thought that this might be the movie that did the trick. One of my friends brought it over to the house. I anxious sat down with my copporn, oops, sorry, popcorn and Junior Mints. For the first few moments I was hanging on every word. There was actually a plot, well, sort of. And there was dialogue. Even, dare I say, acting.
And then all the humping began. A cavalcade of porn on every part of the ship, except, perhaps, the poop deck. I may have had my eyes closed by that part of the movie.
The action went on for some time. Occasionally there were sword fights and the guys would actually have a sword in their hand instead of the one God supplied. Broadsides were involved, as well as their fronts and backs. There were some glorious sterns to behold, as well as some ports of call that in my opinion, may have been visited once too often during the movie.
Basically, it was a mess. I know that all the action was supposed to be arty and even a bit deep, but when it came right down to it, it just didn’t work for me. They had taken their very best shot true, but I was not left wanting more.
So as the ad plays over and over on the TV next to me, I continue to resist temptation. Even though they thoughtfully don’t put the titles of the movies I rent on my hotel bill, I think I can get along without the adult entertainment.
Unless, of course, there’s a knock on the door and a very wenched out Penelope Cruz was standing there. I would find that kind of adult entertainment very hard to resist.
Out in the Emerald City, coming to the conc… sorry, got to answer the door,
– Robb