I have to say that the middle of February is fast becoming my favorite time of the year. No, it’s not because of Valentine’s Day. I already covered my revelations on that issue.
Rather, it turns out that in 2012, it is the intersection of two important celebrations, ones that until now I didn’t even know existed, but enthusiastically support. Frankly, I am so excited about them that I think we should have a national holiday on the level of say, Arbor Day. What? People don’t get that day off? Well, then maybe Labor Day.
After all, celebrating the labor movement can’t possibly be more significant than celebrating flirtation and wine, which as we know, is the leading cause of children. This week is the intersection of International Flirting Week (Feb. 13-19) and National Drink Wine Day (Feb. 18). I really don’t know how things could get any better, given the fact that flirtation and wine go so well together.
International Flirting Week is dedicated, of course, to celebrating the ancient art of flirtation. As we all know, I am a natural flirt. In fact, I would write a book about the subject but it comes so natural to me that I don’t even know where to start. I love flirting with the opposite sex, which as we know, has nothing to do with wanting to date them, let alone sleep with them. The art of flirtation may well be the steps of a well choreographed dance, but it has nothing to do with doing the horizontal mambo.
I delight in the fact that someone had the smarts to come up with this weeklong ode to flirtatious behavior. It is not only encouraged, but condoned. So if you even have a mild desire to flirt with someone else, go at it full steam. You not only have my permission, but like a Get Out Of Jail Free card in Monopoly, you can tell your significant or insignificant other that you are merely supporting a momentous occasion with international implications, one that could lead to world peace.
Does this mean that you can cross borders and continents in your flirtations? You betcha! While National Flirting Week may only give you carte blanc domestically, International Flirting Week is without borders. What can bring world peace to us more quickly than subtle, flirtatious nuances aimed at another human being, unless of course, you’re hitting on one of the president of Iran’s many wives. I heard he comes a bit short in several areas so your harmless flirtations could lead to the outbreak of hostilities with a guy who has a short temper, short dick and short range nuclear missiles. I wouldn’t advise that.
Now, I know some of you may be neophytes in the flirtation department and the thought of a seductive but innocent wink, unsolicited compliment, knowing glance or even a tender yet lingering touch may send your heart racing to the point where you are almost nonsensical.
If this is the case, then I would recommend waiting until Saturday, which is National Drink Wine Day.
Sure, it’s not as well known as Valentine’s Day, but you have to wonder why. After all, there are thousands of wineries in the United States. In Washington State, my homeland, there are 700 wineries alone with a new one opening up at the rate of roughly one a month.
An unopened bottle of wine, or worse, one spoiled by the ravages of time and oxygen, is disrespectful to the grapes that willingly gave their lives so unselfishly so that me may get sloshed. Not only do these grapes depend on us to drink them with unbridled enthusiasm, but 24,000 Americans depend on us to enjoy the products they create and we owe it to our neighbors to enjoy the fruits of their labors at every opportunity. In short, not drinking wine could lead us directly to economic ruin.
It you’re a bit shy and know not the the ways of flirtation, chugging down a bottle of wine on Feb. 18 will not only lift your spirits, but lift the veil of reluctance. Fueled by the mystical wonders of wine, you’ll suddenly find the courage to smile at that beautiful woman across the room, lock eyes just a few moments longer with a coworker, or put your hand on a BFF’s shoulder and keep it there for just a touch, sending out the shockwaves of flirtation that will brighten their day and yours.
All the while, you’ll be enjoying the health benefits of both wine and flirtation as your heart races, your spirits soar and your ego revels in the fact that someone else thinks you are a great catch, even though you may be an unavailable and unattainable one.
Such is the beauty of this wonderful week of celebration. Sure, there’s Valentine’s Day, the day of couples. But who gives a crap about VD when you have a whole week dedicated to indulging in your flirtatious side, capped off with a day of drinking wine. And who knows? It may work so well that you end up enjoying that delicious bottle of Cabernet with someone else instead of drinking it alone. One never knows what will happen when flirtation and wine join forces. I can’t be totally sure, but I think that’s how I ended up with children.
Out on the Treasure Coast, getting my international flirt on while slugging down some mighty fine wine,
– Robb