In 2004, I changed my entire life. I did it in the space of a week. I left everything I had ever known for a woman I barely knew. I left my business, my home, my family and my friends, flying off to Florida in search of happily ever after that was never really happy and certainly not ever after.
In short, I was insane. I didn’t really realize this until today. I was talking about some upcoming changes in direction in my life with my cohort in crime here in Florida and it dawned on me – I was freaking nuts seven years ago!
I’m not any longer, thankfully. Right now, we are discussing the minutia of every detail of a possible plan – one that can change our lives dramatically. No, we’re not getting married. Instead, we’re thinking of letting the winds of change take us to a wherever they need to and man, is it complex.
That is why I now know that seven years ago, I was certifiably nuts. As most of you know, I had my hand in the wrong cookie jar back then. Most sane individuals would reflect on this, and perhaps do what it takes to find the way back to happiness with their significant other. Me? I skipped off to Florida like a rock on a pond without a second thought.
It’s taken me a long time to realize how stupid this was. I mean, what sane person leaves everything he had ever built for a woman he had barely known for three months? Who does a thing like that?
Now, it would be far more rational (if such a thing is possible) to leave a troubled relationship and take up with someone else in your own neck of the woods. Life doesn’t change much. Sure, you lose a some of your stuff, much of your dignity, a few of your married friends, but otherwise, it’s a change of address and lifestyle.
But moving to Florida? Leaving everything behind? Yes, I was insane.
There, I said it. While it teeters on the brink of being a regret, it’s not. I can’t go there. Too many wonderful things happened in Florida to make it a regret. But was it wise? No. Was it planned? No. Was it sane? No!!!
Fortunately, the world is full of do overs. Such is the point now. I can see the folly of this life choice now with great clarity. That’s because my rose colored glasses have fallen off, I see the then supposed “love of my life” for what she truly is, and I have gone through the grief and withdrawals.
Withdrawals, you say? You mean the ones from all the shattered dreams of happily ever after. Nope. No withdrawals there. As I said, fast forward with the throttle wide open. No time to wallow in “what could have beens.” Life is way too short.
Instead, I am referring to the drug withdrawals. With such a major life change once again in the offing (and no, I haven’t fallen in love with someone else on the other side of the country again), I can see the difference between then and now like day and night.
Every small detail is a long labored consideration. Logistics are just as complex as they were then, as are the decisions at hand. But instead of riding on a wave of whim, I am being very deliberate every step of the way.
This wasn’t the case when I was doped up on Lexapro. Yes, that wonder drug that is supposed to be a cure all for anxiety and depression. A miracle of modern medicine, re-engineering the way your brain works in so many amazing ways, and not all of them good.
I didn’t know back then that Lexapro makes you so mellow that you release all your ordinary fears. I did notice from the start that I no longer had a fear of heights or of falling. I wasn’t even afraid of water anymore. Frankly, I wasn’t afraid of anything, because I had no anxiety about it.
While most people would say anxiety is a bad thing, it does keep us from doing stupid things. You know that there are consequences to your actions and that there is a cause and effect to things you do. On Lexapro, I lost all fear. It just wasn’t part of my rationale.
So, when a little tail came wagging in a troubled marriage, I followed it like a lost puppy who had found a new owner. I didn’t think about all the repercussions it would have – not only to me but my family, my children, my friends and associates. None of this entered my mind, even for a moment. Picking up and moving to Florida in the space of a week sounded entirely normal to me.
Now it just sounds insane. Like mental institution insane. I’m sure those who know me best are nodding their heads in agreement right now. I was soooooo screwed up back then, making huge decisions on a lark, not worried a bit about what tomorrow brings.
Well, it brought a lot of pain and suffering, not just for me but some dear friends and family members. I have been doing mea culpas now for the last two years and thankfully, these people who I wronged so much have found it in their heart to forgive me.
I have forgiven myself, too. While I ultimately made these decisions and am responsible for them, I know that I had a little help from my friend, Lex, who was more than happy to lead my astray down the primrose path of zero repercussions.
Now that we’ve broken up, I can see the folly of all this. And yet, I can still find a way to laugh about it. Perhaps that’s because I survived it all relatively fine and now that change is in the wind once again, I know that it really wasn’t the real me, but Lexarobb… and believe me, no one should be forced to have that shoved down their throat again.
Out on the Treasure Coast, filled with lots of anxiety today, and boy does it feel fantastic,
– Robb