Having been off the dating circuit for a while, I no longer have to spend my days looking for love in all the wrong places. While I know online dating sites have benefited many, my own efforts were a bit hit and miss, largely because I would see things in a profile that were huge red flags. I guess my glass was never half full enough to be good dating material.
But that doesn’t mean these sites are useless. In fact, I have come to believe that the whole idea may have been picked up by others in search of love. No, I’m not talking about a Japanese ripoff site where everyone likes sushi (you would be surprised how many women like sushi on match.com). I’m talking about dating sites for man’s best friend.
I have had this hunch for a while. Whenever the Janmeister and I would head out for a date, Dulce looked very excited. Dulce is our dog. She doesn’t get excited about much at all. If she didn’t poop I’d be wondering if that’s where you put the batteries because she’s one step away from a stuffed animal that barks occasionally.
Me being, well, me, I had to find out why she would be so enthusiastic about our departure, so I let my webcam run one day and much to my surprise, Dulce has some previously unknown computer skills.
Within moments of hearing the door lock, she would hop onto my chair and log on to the computer. After sifting through emails from Purina and PetSmart, she would head over to match.arf and sign in.
I had to say I was amazed. I had no idea that she was on the hunt for a guy. She never seemed to have any interest in the other dogs in the building. Perhaps they just weren’t her type.
Needless to say, I had to look further into this. When I got home, I reversed hacked my way into her profile on match.arf. Let’s see…
Breed: Lhasa Apso mix. Not really sure who parents were, as I am adopted.
Weight: 20 pounds
Hair: Matted.
Eyes: Brown.
Ideal first date: Sniffing around the yard together before going out to get a bone from the trash.
Wow, I never knew that dogs also lie about their weight.
I checked her Favorites to see who she was interested in. Here profile said she had a preference for stocky, work types with nice jowels, a skinny rump and good teeth and there they were. She had a Boston Terrier who lived not too far away that was a snowbird and there was a Mastiff in Vero who obviously was quite proud of the 95 children he had, even though they all ended up being taken away from the family for reasons he couldn’t understand. How sad.
Well, at least she had some good taste. She had a Beagle in the bunch, who worked at the Miami Airport on the Beagle Brigade. At least he’s got a job. But I knew all too well that long distance relationships never work out so I hoped she would just pass him by.
It was then that I noticed the section where they could ask questions of one another.
I know Dulce’s an adult, but I was a bit disturbed by what I uncovered. I know that men can be pretty crass in the human world. Just ask a couple of my friends on Facebook who seem to be bombarded by asinine comments about their breasts, whether they want to put out tonight, what they are like in bed… the list goes on.
So should I be surprised it happens in the K-9 world as well.
Still, as Dulce’s overseer I thought it my duty to check out what was being said by these dogs and let me say, it was a bit disturbing.
Woof2U asked Dulce if she “was willing to sniff butts on the first date.” Thankfully, Dulce didn’t even bother to respond to that. But I do wonder about the responses I would get if I posted that same question on match.com.
The next one was just crass. “Hey bitch, do you lick yourself when no one else is looking?” OMG – I so wanted to respond to that one – I hope someone someone hits him upside the head with a rolled up newspaper.
Of course, that wasn’t the worst. WolfWhistle22 topped them all. He wanted to know if she did it doggy style. “All the crazy bitches love it you know.”
Well I had had enough. I couldn’t resist replying any longer. I was going to let this dog have his day. “WolfWhistle22. I may be a bitch, but I’m a picky bitch. I’ll tell you what – meet me on the street at 7 tomorrow morning. We’ll see if you got what it takes to woo this exotic little beauty.”
The next morning, WolfWhistle22 showed up in front of our complex. And right on time. I heard the honk of the horn, the screech of wheels, and the curse words of the driver as he hoisted old Wolf into the back of his garbage truck.
Bitch, huh? Never call my little girl a bitch, even though technically she is.
In the Emerald City, hearing the garbage truck in the distance and wondering if Butch69 is on time,
– Robb