Facebook is an amazing tool. Sure, it can make you absolutely batty when someone fills it full of minutia and banalities. Let’s face it, a lot of life is indeed mundane. At other times, however, it can be a crystal ball, allowing you to look at what your life could have been.
I think there are more than few of us who have searched for people from our past. Let’s face it, we’re curious what happened to the “one that got away,” the “one that never could be,” or the “one that came too close for comfort.”
As you know, I’ve certainly had my share of got aways, never coulds and way too closes. Thankfully, the relationship gods have spared me too many wrong turns in this regard, always denying me the ones I would have taken up with at all costs and sending some wonderful people my way instead.
I must profess that some are still a mystery to me. I have seen them on Facebook, well, at least the ones that I haven’t blocked or they haven’t blocked me. What I see are impossible possibilities. I really don’t know how I could have ever wedged myself into the life I thought we could have led. But yet, time and time again, I tried.
It’s funny how we are given blinders early on in our relationships. These blinders, of course, were essential for the proliferation of our species. If we didn’t have them, we would have never slept with some of the people we slept with in the heat of the moment.
These blinders can do us a lot of harm, however, if we take a liking to them. Eventually, we will start to notice that the things that didn’t bother us or the things we once thought were sweet and cute, are now making us nuts.
We can only see this clearly after the fact. At one time, we could only wonder what our life might have been like if we zigged instead of zagged. But thanks to Facebook, we get to see it in written and visual form.
I admit, I have on more than one occasion looked through the pages of my once-significant and could-have-been-significant others. I always end up thanking my lucky stars that things didn’t work out between us.
It’s not to say that anything is wrong with these women or their lives. In fact, they seem to have perfectly wonderful lives, largely, I suspect, because I am no longer in them. There are reasons for this. First, I could have never squeezed my bigger than life existence into their relatively sedate lives. And second, I would have eventually tried to raise them out of their humdrum lives so they could actually have some fun.
This isn’t meant to sound mean. I am sure their lives are very fun. It’s just not the fun I would have. For example, I love an occasional theme park. I even had annual passes to Disney a time or two. But I can’t do Disney every single week. I would be an absolute loon in no time and possibly end up going postal.
Now, this isn’t about Disney. It’s about the lives others lead and how my life is so very different. Frankly, I am surprised anyone can fit into my life for any length of time because it has a nasty habit of changing on a dime.
Case in point. I moved back to Seattle recently on a permanent basis. I had several lovely times in Florida, even the Diablo years had their rare moments, but not one of these significant others could have just uprooted their lives and come to Seattle. But the Janmeister did. Now, one could argue that she might be insane for leaving the sun and swaying palms of Florida to be with the likes of me. But Janutti has a similar disposition in life. She gets me. And that is both rare and something you probably want to hold on to dearly.
It’s not that she is just living my life. We are living the life we created together. This hasn’t always been the case in my 54 years on this earth. More often than not, I simply tagged along with the life someone else wanted. After all, that’s how I ended up in Florida.
When I look through the photos of my Facebook mights of, could’ves, would’ves, did, I can’t help but put myself next to them, in place of the ones they are with now. I don’t fit. I guess I never did. Even if it was a photo of the two of us taken for real, it looks Photoshopped. I simply didn’t belong in the photo, or in that life.
Certainly the photos of Diablo and I looked like someone was in a Photoshopping frenzy. I look out of time and place. I know now that I was totally a fish out of water. I’m just glad she never whipped out one of her many knives and call me sushi.
It’s really rewarding looking through all the might have beens. It really helps me appreciate the “what I haves.” My life would have been so different if I was looking forward to my 33rd wedding anniversary this Sept. 9. I wouldn’t be looking forward to my son visiting this summer. He would never be. If I had stayed with Diablo, I would still be living in Melbourne, hating my very existence. Thankfully, she set me free.
And yet it does. Thanks Diablo for giving me my life back. Thanks to the others who touched my life who thought I was a nice guy, but not their nice guy, to once again, steal the Janmeister’s words. And thanks Janmeister, for accepting me just the way I am, with all my might haves, could have beens and just the way I ams.
In the Emerald City, thanking God that the might have beens remained just that,
– Robb