Have you ever done the little hand motion where it looks like you were playing a very tiny violin? It’s the old, “Sorry, don’t have much sympathy for you.” I certainly know that I have done it a time or two. And I know that some of my one-time closest friends were certainly playing it when I was in various relationships.
I guess I deserved it to some extent. To them, I seemed to be with someone who was a dream girl, because that’s what they saw. They would see the well-endowed, vivacious woman who burst with charisma and whom everyone seemed to like.
But under the surface, she could be pure evil. And perhaps, even a bit of a bully. I didn’t even realize this until I attended a class on violence in the workplace. There was an entire section on bullying. Yes, bullying.
It was here that I learned that this woman was really a bully. Not just to me, but just about everyone who crossed her path, then crossed her. If you did her bidding, you were in like Flynn. Until you chose not to. Then you would be kow-towed and bullied.
How can a guy be bullied by a woman, you say? Well, my mom taught me to respect women. I think the best of them. And I’m not very confrontational. So why would I ever think they would use this against me?
I think this may be the case with many of us. I certainly didn’t even recognize any of the signs that I was being bullied until I started to take the test. Yes, there’s a test. And here are some of the signs of a bully.
– Holding a grudge, verbalizing hope that something will happen to that person.
– Having difficulty accepting criticism.
– Very opinionated.
– Morally righteous.
– Excessively blames others.
– Makes unfounded accusations, unrealistic, grandiose statements.
– Can turn on the waterworks or have temper tantrums.
– Complains, is demanding, resentful.
– Makes others feel uncomfortable.
– Always bringing up the past and places blame on others for what happened.
There are a lot of other signs. These are just the high points. As we went over them, I stopped thinking about bosses I have had (and yes, one was a poster child of abuse and bullying) and started thinking about those who I’ve had in my life.
As we continued down the list, I began to see a new poster child. This person was a classic bully, not necessarily in the workplace, but in all her relationships.
The funny part, and I guess bullies do this, is that I was accepting the blame, thinking I was the bully. I thought something was wrong with me. Even to the point of writing some other past loves and asking them if they thought I was abusive in our relationships.
The answer, thankfully, was a categorical “no.” However, I still thought I was the perpetrator rather than the victim. It wasn’t until last week that I thought I had been played like a violin. Yes, an act of violins.
I found I wasn’t fiddling around at all in this regard. Yes, I lost my temper at times, and yes, I could level anyone around me with sniper-like statements to defend myself against the onslaught of abuse, but she would turn these things around and make me feel bad. Worse, she had an amazing ability to play the tearful victim to our friends, when behind the scenes, she would be the devil in disguise.
I sometimes wonder if others have since lost their rose colored glasses. It’s not that I care what they think of me. My eyes are wide open these days. I only hope theirs are too.
Looking back, it’s sad that any of us fall into an abusive relationship, either in the workplace or at home. In fact, I think it’s far worse at home because that’s where you should feel safe. The people you love most should protect you, not constantly build you up then rip you apart because they want things their way, or the highway.
What I’ve learned from all this is that domestic violence, or workplace violence for that matter, doesn’t have to be physical. It can be emotional and mental. None of it is acceptable. The games people play with us are games we don’t have to participate in. None of us deserve to be abused on any level.
Sure, the bruises are the obvious signs of abuse. But the bruises that run much more deeply, the ones that destroy our self-esteem, erode our self worth and cause us to feel we are unworthy of anyone’s love or respect, are much worse I think. The physical bruises heal over time, the emotional and mental ones cause permanent scars.
It has taken me a long time to learn this lesson. I had to learn it the hard way. I know others who have been through abusive relationships too, perhaps fearing that the worst case was indeed true, but continuing to be in denial because of the belief that an abusive relationship or job was better than none at all.
It’s not. Knowing what I know now, I would have never accepted a single moment of these games others like to play with your head. I would have stopped the progression of abuse in its earliest stages and high tailed it out before I invested any more time or energy in a situation that was only going to end up in a dead end anyway. Far better to cut your losses and your pain early on for they continue to mount up as the weeks, months and years continue to pass.
To anyone in an abusive relationship, get out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t lull yourself into believing that it’s OK because that’s just how they are. It’s not normal. I had to learn this the hard way. I hope you don’t have to.
In the Emerald City, healing the wounds that no one sees,
– Robb