I have always loved strong women. Not just in the Biblical way, but I admire them in all walks of life, whether they are involved with me or not. I guess I can blame my mother for that. No, not in some Oedipus Complex manner. She was strong by necessity, as she had to play the role of mother and father when my dad was sick.
But I guess she was the role model for how I thought a woman should be. Thanks to the last run ins I’ve had, I don’t have quite the admiration I once did. I guess I’m cured.
Historically, however, I couldn’t help myself. I was absolutely dazzled by a woman who could command a room. From the moment she entered, all eyes would be on her. She wouldn’t even have to say a thing. Her mere presence commanded that kind of attention.
But here’s the funny thing I found. They made a really great first impression, but not always a second or a third one. I am not making sweeping statements here, so all of my strong female friends don’t need to write me. I am only talking about a chosen few here who on the surface were all personality plus, but deeper down, they only had what I have come to call, “personastily.”
This happens in men, too, I know. My father could do the same thing, turning on a dime from being a charmer to the snake. He would be “Mr. Popular” when people dropped by the house, then turn on my mother after the door closed behind them. But I’ve never dated guys. In fact, I’m not sure why anyone dates guys, but that is for another RobZerrvation some time in the future.
A lot of you know people like this. In fact, we may even know the same people. We come to learn over time, and often too late, that they only have personastily, not personality. They are ever so charming and beguiling when they are getting their way or want something, but when they don’t, they will stomp all over you.
This wouldn’t be so bad if they showed themselves to everyone that they have at best a questionable personastily. But they don’t. They hide it. They only let it show when they are alone with you. That’s why they can be so dangerous.
I had a relationship not so long ago where all my friends thought that I had it made. They would see me head off into the bedroom during their visit, thinking that we just couldn’t keep our hands off one another. I suppose there is a grain of truth to that, if only because my significant other wanted to ring my neck with hers.
She would be all lovey-dovey in the living room, then ask me if I could help her in the bedroom for a moment. This was code in my friend’s mind that we were going to have a little hanky-spankme. It wasn’t. It was code for I had done something wrong (again) and needed a little course correction.
So off we would go. Within moments of closing the door, Dr. Jekyll would become Mrs. Hyde and all hell would break loose. Miss Personality had become Miss Personastily, a side that few of us – only the very unlucky – ever got to see. After all the admonishments and belittlings had been delivered, she would take a breath, put on that fake smile and head back out to the bell of the ball.
And who looks like the jackass? I couldn’t hide my feelings with a smiley face. I would appear to be brooding, which I was. I was pissed. Once again, I had been blindsided. Not only blindsided, but set up as well.
I know I’m not alone in having this strange attraction to strong people. I know several women who are equally attracted to strong men. Sometimes they are too strong, taking the personastily too far. They would not only become verbally abusive, but physically.
Unfortunately, I have been on the receiving side of that as well. I was taught that you don’t hit a woman. Some women, it seems, weren’t taught not to hit. So I have been hit on more than one occasion. I never really made a big deal about it because 1) who is going to believe me and 2) my guy friends would say I was weak. So I just lived with the whole abuse thing.
I guess that’s why I am so sympathetic to my female friends who tell me they have been abused in their relationships. I understand all too well that Mr. Personality can become Mr. Personastily in a flash. And just like my ex, they do it on the sly so that everyone thinks they would be nuts to leave him. “He’s so wonderful,” they would say. “Why would you ever leave him?”
It’s then that I think of the old Lloyd Price song, Personality.
“Over and over,
My friends say I’m a fool,
But over and over,
I’ll be the fool for you.”
Yeah, I’ve played the fool. A time or two too many. And still, I just can’t give up on that love thing. I know that there are demonic people out there who use their charm to seduce us and use us, but I still think I deserve to be loved by someone special.
Thankfully, my early warning system seems to be finally working. I can smell personastily a mile away and steer way clear of it. Far better to be bored in the waters of a calm sea than scared out of your wits in the middle of a tempest.
In the Emerald City, sailing in serene, pristine waters for a change,
– Robb