A week or so ago, Time magazine ran a cover issue that showed a mother breast feeding a kid who in my humble opinion, shouldn’t really be sucking up to his mom. I mean, once you have teeth, I think it’s time to get off the sauce and learn to love milk from a cow instead. Millions of cows in this country rely on children for their livelihood, you know. And this mother is doing a disservice to all those loyal bovines who dutifully chew their cud, then stand in line to have clamps placed on their teets so they can be sucked dry for the benefit of Vitamin D deprived children throughout our fair land.
I am pro breast. I make no secret about it. I think heaving busoms throughout America should be bared and celebrated. I mean, a guy can run around shirtless. Why can’t a woman?
In fact, many men in our land of the free and obese have breasts that are larger than those of some of the women I have dated. But, because they are men, they have made the laws that allow them to sashay their way in public topless while their wife or girlfriend has to wear a top.
Sure, some women come pretty close to baring it all in a skimpy bikini top. Yet, if they wore a bra out in public, which is basically a bikini top, they would most likely be arrested.
It is this double standard that I abhor. If it’s good for the goose, then it certainly should be good for the gander. If Time had shown a topless man on the cover, there would be no controversy. Well, perhaps there would be if a four year old was sucking on his tit.
Yes, I think that’s the weird part. I have no problem with breastfeeding, including women dropping their tops in public to give their child a Happy Meal at the mall. It’s a natural thing, breastfeeding. So I’m not really sure what the uproar is.
Well, actually I do. Men have an unhealthy obsession with breasts. When they see one, whether it’s in the pages of Playboy or at the mall, they simply go nuts. They lose every sensibility, all because they see a breast. They have them, too, but for some reason a woman’s breast just makes any man temporarily insane.
The funny part is, they don’t even need to see the whole breast. Cleavage has the same effect. Yes, that empty space between two boobs is just as sexy as the boobs themselves.
I’m not really sure why, either. Let’s look for a moment at another empty space. No, not the empty space between a guy’s ears. I’m talking about a more abhorrent empty space. You know the one. One day your sink stops up. You call someone over to fix it. The guy climbs under your sink and you get full on plumber’s butt. Yes, that empty space between two cheeks.
It’s not the butt itself that appalls you, but the void that points the way to, well, nothing really. It’s a crack. A void. A Grand Canyon between two hills.
And yet, men seem to go crazy when they see a canyon between two hills on a woman. I admit a fondness for them, too. Even though I am a girly guy, I will admire a nice cleavage. No breasts required. In fact, the breasts themselves can be quite disappointing.
Yes, I have been disappointed by breasts. Perhaps that’s where I’m different than others of my gender. All breasts are not created equally. Some are much better than others, and no it’s not the size or shape or the suppleness or the sensitivity.
Wait a second, I think I just overheated…
No, it’s the fact that sometimes they are better when not fully seen. Yes, I am one of those guys. I like the mystery of it all. In my book, nothing is more sexy than something I can’t fully see. I guess it’s that overactive imagination I have. I can see a mere glint of something and my mind will fill in all the blanks.
I don’t really know why. I mean, I don’t stop to admire a half unwrapped gift. I rip the paper right off so I can start playing with what’s inside. I don’t know of anyone who tears a piece of the paper off and stops to admire the beauty of the gift they are about to receive. They want the whole enchilada and they want it now!!! Screw the beautiful wrapping, where’s the damned gift?
And yet, I love a beautifully wrapped gift from a woman. Even if I’ve received the gift many times before, I still like it partially wrapped. I can even have seen the wrapping paper before. Sure, I know what’s in the package, but my little fertile mind can conjure up all sorts of amazing possibilities.
That said, I still don’t think women should have to have their gifts wrapped when men don’t have to. It’s not fair. It’s not equal and it’s not right. I really think all women should have a day of protest where they go topless for the day.
I’ve given this a lot of thought, believe me. I have come to the conclusion that it would have to be on a weekend. Our economy can’t take another hit, quite frankly, and I can only imagine what the New York Stock Exchange would be like if a bunch of testosteroney men bent on trading finally see what a pair of real breasts looked like. It would be chaos.
I could definitely get my arms around a pro-breast protest. I would even be willing to lend a hand. If I could just put my finger on it, I bet it would be one of the most popular protests since women burned their bras in the 1970s. Now there were some good times.
In the Emerald City, staying abreast of the events that are about to unfold,
– Robb