I have decided recently that when I die, I am going to become a zombie. I want to do this so that I can eat the brains of anyone who is obsessed with zombies and a zombie apocalypse, all because some crazy bastard ate someone’s face in Floriduh.
First, I don’t find this kind of thing very funny for lo and behold, this homeless guy probably has family who has to live with the horror of their loved one being attacked in such a manner. I’m sure it if happened to any one of us zombie lovers, we wouldn’t find it so funny.
Of course, if I did come back as a zombie, I would starve, because few people really have any brains anymore. Instead, they move through the world in a zombie like state, “lifeless, apathetic and completely unresponsive to their surroundings.” Yes, that is one definition of a zombie, and the world seems to already be full of them.
I know this because I ride the bus with them every day. I am the only on on the damned thing who looks around at the scenery or people watches. Everyone else stares blankly at nothing… that nothing being their iPhones, Kindles or iPads. The life has been sucked out of them. Walk any street in America and you will see the same thing. Go to a sporting event, the same. Mall? Same. Zombies are everywhere.
Still, I don’t really get all the zombie craze. I guess it’s because I’ve spent so much time in the Caribbean. I know what a zombie is and it isn’t a brain eater. It is indeed a dead person. A sorcerer can revive anyone and once the person is brought back to “life,” they are under the control of the sorcerer. This is some pretty basic voodoo. Think Voodoo 101. In some voodoo based cultures, there is also the idea of a zombi astral where a part of the soul is captured and used by the sorcerer. They keep it inside a bottle and can even sell it to others.
It’s also believed that a zombie is only temporary and God can take it back whenever he wants to. Zombie salt can also return the zombie to his or her grave, so shooting zombies is hardly necessary.
I know, the curse of knowledge. That’s not to say that I don’t play a zombie killing game on my iPad or that I didn’t enjoy The Night of the Living Dead… the original, not the plethora of crappy sequels and offshoots. For those not in the know, it was this movie that introduced the idea of brain eating. These zombies have absolutely no relation to the Haitian tradition of zombies by the way.
So, I’m not anti-zombie. I am, however, anti-obsession-about-everything-zombie. My facebook page is littered with zombie postings. I thought they were funny originally, after all, I write humor. I have a great sense of humor. I even think knock knock jokes are funny.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Zombie.
Zombie who?
Glom, glom, glom (sounds of brain eating)
Sorry, I’m can’t come up with anything funnier about zombies. But I am laughing. Maybe they are funny after all.
Still, they don’t seem very plausible. Why? Because there’s not enough brains to go around, people. Within days these undead would be starving to death in our world. They could go on a brain eating binge and still not find enough to eat. Geez, go to the south once. No, not the New Orleans or Atlanta south. I’m talking the hills of West Virginny and Tennessee.
Now, I’m not making fun of people who live in the backwoods. They are, after all, safe from any zombie apocalypse. There’s nothing to eat there. No, if you’re a zombie, you’re going to go to a place like New York City. True, there’s not much brain power there either – I mean, the mayor is trying to outlaw super sized drinks – but there are enough people there that the whole buffet thing makes sense. Plus if you’re a zombie and want to eat a little ethnic one night, NYC seems to be the place.
Still, I think in most parts of the world, zombies would find it a hard go. In fact, I think I may have made a mistake by moving to Washington State. Turns out there is a lot of brain power here. In my job, I see the metrics all the time – 90% of people here have a high school education, one third have a post secondary degree, and there are more bookstores per capita than anyplace in the world.
This is the only place you’ll hear me say something like this. I won’t be advertising all this to the zombie world at large. While my job is to attract new business to the state, I want to be sure I’m not attracting zombies in the process.
This is just the kind of stuff that would send them flocking to Washington. A veritable brain feast. We’d never be able to get rid of them. And as we know, zombies are no good for tourism. They don’t really need hotels and they don’t eat in restaurants, unless, of course, someone is dumb enough to put brains on the menu one night.
OK, so maybe zombies are kind of cool after all. I guess I didn’t think about some of the finer aspects of pop culture zombies. In fact, I’m quite sure I’ve had some personal experience with zombies.
I have known someone who was “lifeless, apathetic and completely unresponsive to their surroundings.” But I’m not sure if they were a zombie or had been attacked by a zombie. Wait! Once a zombie attacks you, you become a brainless zombie, too, right?
That would explain everything, including why this person lives so close to New York City.
In the Emerald City, brain still intact, but risking it every day with the zombie hoard aboard the Metro bus,
– Robb
