I can’t seem to do anything simple. I blame my father for this, since he couldn’t seem to do anything simple either. Even the most straightforward thing had to become entirely complex, largely because he was a man of ideas, but not always of action.
Well, aren’t I just a chip off the old block here? So it should not be a surprise that upon hearing about the visit of my good friends Doo and Di, that I should come up with a whole scenario that was hilarious and a bit whacked.
I was living with Cathy at the time and I had it in my mind that I would just convert her house into a swank yet extremely seedy hotel, C-Zerr’s Palace. The advertising slogan was, “There’s No Place Like Home, So Just Go There.”
From there, things rapidly spun out of control. This is what happens when you’re at the dawn of desktop publishing, you have a job that isn’t particularly demanding and you have a very fertile mind.
It all started innocently enough. I made some funny names for the rooms in the “hotel.” The kitchen became the Knights of the Brown Table restaurant, the breakfast bar the Hidden Treasures Bar, since it was always stacked with a lot of junk that never seemed to find a permanent place in the house.
But why leave well enough alone? I had to keep going.
Soon, there was an entire hotel guide, a four page affair that pretty much both mocked and mirrored the guide you will find in any hotel. In it was everything you ever had to know about your stay. For instance, “Checkout time is 1 p.m. But you can checkout the hotel staff any time.” It just keeps going downhill from there.
Doo and Di were slated to stay in the St. Chickalaus Suite, so that’s where their hotel guide would be awaiting them, along with some mints on the pillow. Of course, we didn’t want them to miss seeing the St. Chickalaus Shrine we had all created. It was, after all, one of the most important sights to see in Bellburbs, Washington, where our housienda was located.
But how would I make sure they enjoyed the spectacle fully? Ah, of course. Put it in their room. Unfortunately, putting it on the dresser didn’t seem to do the trick. It just wasn’t obvious enough for me, even though the shrine rose almost to the ceiling.
Then it came to me. Like a light from the heavens. Well, almost. I crafted a large sign out of foam core that had been so generously donated by Associated Grocers, who also thoughtfully donated all the computer time and materials for C-Zerr’s Palace. It said SHRINE, pointing the way. But it still wasn’t enough. So soon it had lights outlining the border, blinking, of course.
The hotel was shaping up quite nicely, I thought. Still, the devil is in the details. So back I went to work. Soon we had a registration form to fill out at the front desk, which was located at the Hidden Treasures Bar, a coat claim check, parking pass and valet ticket.
Now things were really coming together. I think it took me the better part of a hard week at work to create all this stuff. Things just kept popping into my head, including the need to have a menu for the Knights of the Brown Table, completely tongue in cheek of course, I mean, do I ever do anything straight? (well, I do one thing straight, come to think of it).
It took me more time to create it than our guest’s stay at the hotel. They only stayed three days. But I think it was a memorable one.
When they showed up at the door, I greeted them in my hotel ensemble. Back then I had purchased a pilot’s jacket from a thrift store, you know, the kind with three gold stripes.
There I was in my C-Zerr’s Palace uniform. I took their bags and tossed them literally into the house. Then I had them go over to check in. They waited for a bit as I made my way around through the living room lobby and over to check in. I greeted them again, as if I had never seen them before, let alone moments earlier. Strange, but I had trouble locating their reservation on the computer (thanks again AG).
Finally, it popped up on the screen. Ah yes, the St. Chickalaus Suite. I had them fill out the laboriously long and crazy registration form, then showed them to their rooms.
It would have been dark, except for the blinking of the lights of the Chickalaus Shrine sign hanging above the booze closet. No, it didn’t have those little hotel sized booze bottles in it – that’s where we ordinarily kept the liquor, which was even funnier since Doo and Di didn’t imbibe.
We left them to get settled in. Dinner would soon be served at the Knights of the Brown Table restaurant. It was whatever Chef Cathy, was cooking up that night. Yes, there was a menu, but you could just think of your choices as suggestions. Like getting a menu in prison. You get what the cook’s making.
Thankfully, we were out of Chicken Salmonella that night, and CJ’s daughter had downed the last of the Park Pigeon Pinwheels and Cream of Goldfish Soup. I think they ended up with Pizza de Dominos, a rare taste treat at C-Zerr’s ready in 30 minutes or less.
C-Zerr’s Palace ceased operations after that weekend. The owner’s had had enough of the hotel biz – it’s pretty hard work. And the guests weren’t very good tippers. In fact, I don’t think they ever paid the bill. Doo? Di?
In the Emerald City, running the Zernutti B&B in Shoreline,
– Robb