I woke up in a sweat last night. It seems that I have been having this recurring dream, and I can’t seem to shake the whole thing.
It starts out with me living in Port Orchard. I was living in a world where no one seemed to understand me, me and my little dog, too. I guess I really didn’t appreciate how good I had it there. I even thought about going to therapy, but as we all know, therapists hardly have a crystal ball that can see into your mind. I can just picture the whole interlude, me talking about my unhappy home, the therapist telling me that they really did love me there while going through my personal things.
One day, a storm came out of nowhere. A real tempest, believe me. Before I knew it, a twister was roaming through my house, largely because I didn’t know that the chats between me and who I believed to be the Good Witch of the Sunshine State, were being recorded.
Within moments, the room began spinning. I was on overload. I fell onto the bed, hoping that this entire thing would just blow over. It didn’t. Before I knew it, I wasn’t in the Emerald City anymore. Instead, I was in a strange place, an exotic place, a land of sunshine and swaying palms.
It was unlike anything I had ever seen before. “This isn’t the Emerald City,” I said. There were some giggles. I looked around and couldn’t see anyone. Not until I looked down. And there, looking up at me, was a very short person.
“Are you a Munchkin?” I asked. She replied that she preferred the term little people. It seems she was the Good Witch of the Sunshine State’s mother.
“What brings you here?” she asked. “Your house dropped out of the sky and ended up on our horse pasture. “A horse of a different color?” I joked. “No stupid,” the Munchkin replied. “The horse was hit by a car years ago. All we have now is a goose. Now who the hell are you and what are you doing here?”
I told her that I had come to be with the Good Witch of the Sunshine State, but was having second thoughts and really just wanted to go back home to the Emerald City. I think she wanted that too. And though this was an amazing place, there’s just no place like home.
She suggested that I go see the Wizard. “You can find him at Universaland. His name is Harry, uhh, uhm, something or other.”
So I set off for Universaland. I won’t really go into all the details of the trip. It seems that in this strange land they didn’t have a yellow brick road, just a toll road instead. It cost me $25.50 and eight long years to get there.
Along the way I did meet up with some real characters. I met with a scarecrow by the name of Wes who didn’t have any brains. but he didn’t seem to know which road to take, let alone the way to the Universaland. I also met up with the Animal, who was waiting in some scary swampland on the way across the 528 (I would have taken the longer route but this story has to end in 500 words.)
The journey was arduous and filled with great peril. Along the way we were attacked by some flying creatures. No, they weren’t monkeys. Come on, even in a dream sequence I know that monkeys can’t fly. No, they were flying squirrels. They tried to carry us off to the Wicked Witch of the East, but flying squirrels are kind of pathetic little creatures since they are really gliding squirrels, not flying squirrels, so all they could do was pester us on our journey to Universaland.
Well, that pissed the Wicked Witch of the South off something fierce. It seems that she didn’t want me to find my way back to the Emerald City. She wanted me to be all hers. What I didn’t know at the time was that the Wicked Witch of the South and the Good Witch of the Sunshine State were really one in the same and neither one of them had a heart.
Talking about a plot twist and a way to save money on casting.
Anyway, the Evil Witch jumped onto her Mitsubishi Broom (Spyder Edition) and tried to head off Animal and I. She tried everything in her power to delay and sway us.
Halfway to Universaland, I came upon a field of grapes. I can only assume that it was an act of desperation on the part of the Wicked Witch, for she thought that I would forget all about the Wizard and make wine instead.
Little did she know that I had gone on the wagon, just as the Good Witch had asked me to. So we continued on, looking for the Wizard who could return me to the Emerald City.
Well, this made the Wicked Witch of the South even madder. She went into a jealous rage. Nothing was working for her. The flying squirrels were next to useless, her evil henchman Wes the Scarecrow couldn’t find his way out of a cornfield, the succulent wine grapes were of no use, and I was getting so close to Universaland that all looked lost.
In an act of desperation, she zoom-zoomed on her Mitsubishi broom and set down right front of me, just as I made it down the on ramp onto 1-4. I was so close, I could see Universaland in the distance.
“You will never get to the Wizard, my little pretty. You’re all mine. You and you’re little dog, Jasper too!”
Just then, another house from Palm Harbor Homes dropped from the sky. It landed squarely on her, a nice triple wide. All that was left of her were the striped socks. Just before her feet curled up, I yanked them off of her and put them on.
I clicked the heels of my new pirate socks three times and said, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.” And when I awoke, I was back in the Emerald City.
I have often wondered what happened to the Wicked Witch. Did she go to hell? Or New Jersey? And really, is there any difference?
In the Emerald City, and there’s no place like home, there’s no place like… (wait, I ain’t saying it three times here – I might end up in Jersey myself),
– Robb