I’ve had some problems over the years holding down a job over the years. I guess we all know that. One day I would be at the job, thinking everything was fine. Then I’d get a burr in my britches and give notice. Other times, I would be pretty unhappy in the job, only to find that I was given my walking papers.
It’s not that I wasn’t a good interview. I was actually pretty good at it. I could answer all the questions, giving the perfect answers. I exuded loyalty and talent, was always ready to tackle a new task or even move to a new location, all in the name of being a good member of the team.
Eventually though, no matter how hard I tried, things would go to hell in a hand basket. I can only imagine that it’s because someone eventually checked my references.
I certainly know this to be the case with a couple of potential job offers. I was ready to sign on the dotted line, and then one day I was called on the carpet. My references didn’t check out.
I guess I should have let my references know that someone may be checking on them and to say something nice about me.
I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t, given the situation. I mean, what ex-girlfriend or ex-wife is ever going to give you a glowing reference to a new significant other.
Yes, while my regular employment has been virtually uninterrupted for the last 30 years, my record of holding down the job of husband has been somewhat spotty. True, it’s been 18 years, but only if I count it cumulatively. I doubt I will ever get a gold watch to mark my 50th year with someone, anyone.
No, not the kind that pay you. The other kind of job. You know, being a husband.
I used to think it was me. But even when I was a loving, kind, considerate kind of guy, I would eventually be given the old heave-ho somewhere down the road. Let me tell you, it was very disheartening geting my notice, being gainfully employed as a husband one day, only to find that the “boss” finally got around to checking my references from past engagements
I only know this because in my last position, you know, the five year assignment down in Florida, I was going through the boss’ desk in her absence. I came across some of the letters of reference others had gleefully sent in to her.
Here’s the first one I came across:
“Robb is a undependable, childish, aloof, a lier, selfish and hardly worth your time or effort. Run the other way girls, this guy isn’t ready to settle down. Being a lonely old maid with a house full of cats is far preferable to spending a single day married to this guy.”
And this was written by my mother.
Things were not starting out well for me. I reached for the next one.
“I would like to recommend Robb for the position you are considering him for, but then I would have to shove sharp needles into my eyelids and rip out my heart. Oh wait, he already did that. If you really want to find a husband who will take care of you better than Robb, write a “to whom it may concern” letter to the state pen. You can’t possibly do any worse.”
Well, thanks for that vote of confidence, Karen. Geez, we were boyfriend and girlfriend in fourth grade and you’re still bearing a grudge?
Better move on. Oh, here’s a positive one.
“He’s very talented in many ways. But I have to question his loyalty. He starts off seeming like he’s a perfect choice – attentive, loyal, thoughtful – he seems to give it his all. At the start. Then his interest in the tasks at hand begin to wane, he gets a little sloppy, he doesn’t really care much about his performance and in the end, there’s just something lacking in his skill set.”
Ouch! That one really hit below the old belt, in more ways than one. The deck was quickly getting stacked against me. Three letters of reference, and not a one in my favor.
The Janmeister had warned me about this. She once told me, “When it comes to relationships, it’s the one time you want fewer references, not more.”
Unfortunately, there was a stack of papers on the desk. The boss wouldn’t be away forever. So I quickly went through them.
“…seems qualified. But doesn’t live up to expectations.”
“Says he’s one place but ends up in another. Strap a GPS and a shock collar on him and he should be just fine.”
“Is a hard worker, but comes up short at times.”
“Robb can be a real handful, but not in the way a woman wants.”
I wished to God I had seen these before I had been brought into the position I was now in. No wonder things were going south. I hadn’t even had my first performance review and already my past was fast at work against me.
It really shouldn’t have come to this. I wasn’t even on the market when the “boss” tried to recruit me. I thought I was happy in my current role, but the offer seemed too good. Lots of perks, including a relo package to Florida. And if that wasn’t enough, a couple of annual passes to Disney. Who could resist?
And now the references were about to destroy all that. I thought about my options. I had to do something. Perhaps if just one letter was positive I would be saved. A single shining ray of praise in the gathering clouds of doom that were stacked on the desk.
When the boss returned, she returned to her stack of papers. I sat back in my desk, hoping against hope that it all worked out for the better.
Suddenly, she burst out in laughter as she began to read one letter aloud:
“Robb is one of the nicest guys I have ever known. He is kind, considerate, thoughtful, treats his significant other like a queen, is really great in the sack, handsome, talented and a good provider. I think he’s a real catch.”
“That is the funniest thing I have ever heard.”
“Why’s is it so funny?” I said, angrily.
“Because it’s signed, ‘Sincerely, Robb.”
Well, as my mother always said, “If someone isn’t going to say something nice about you, say it yourself.” Or something like that.
In the Emerald City, referenceless,
– Robb