There’s a dirty little secret that is often shared behind my back. Well, in the interest of full disclosure, I am going to blow the lid off this little secret and share it with you, my faithful readers.
It’s called the Robb Effect. Right now, there is a fair portion of you out there laughing. You already know about this issue and may have even had a history with it.
In a nutshell, the Robb Effect occurs whenever I am in a relationship with a woman. To have its full effect, it has to be a committed relationship but does not require marriage. The longer the relationship, it seems, the greater the effect.
I really don’t think I’m truly to blame, but it has happened enough that I take some credence that the Robb Effect truly may exist. I have seen svelte, Size 2 women blow up like a blimp in no time at all, largely because they are dating, living or are married to me.
That is the Robb Effect. When we inevitably seem to break up, the weight goes away. Now mind you, some have resorted to surgical means to negate the Robb Effect, perhaps in a fruitless attempt to erase the extra pounds and any memory of me as well. As far as I know, this has not been proven in clinical trials. They always seem to have trouble forgetting about me, and not always for the right reasons.
And so I live with the fact that I seem to have this effect on women. I wish I could make them swoon instead, but hey, it is what it is.
The odd thing is I seem to be immune to the Robb Effect myself. In any relationship, I don’t seem to change appreciably in size. Oh, I might gain or lose a couple pounds now and then, but I don’t swell up as if I went nuts one day with a salt lick in a cow pasture.
I didn’t even know about the Robb Effect until I got married the first time. My first wife seemed to have an allergic reaction to being married to me and swelled up uncontrollably. She said it was me, but I think it was the vast amount of vittles she was socking away at the time. I’ll let you decide on that one.
Sadly, it’s even become something of a joke that one woman shares with another. I heard it again last night, in fact, at the dinner table. I was sitting in the office when a visitor whispered to my girlfriend that she had gained a couple pounds over the last three days. “Must be the Robb Effect,” she said.
Now, I have to draw the line there. As far as I know, casual contact does not set the malady in motion. I have lots of female friends who have never suffered from the Robb Effect. It has to be sustained contact in a committed relationship to set off these chain of events. So to any females out there who are now or want to become my friends, you don’t have to worry about coming down with the Robb Effect. Like being on Survivor, you are granted immunity.
I know this because my male friends are also immune. Even though I have known some of them for many years now, they have not gained an appreciable amount of weight. Yes, there has been some expanding beer guts that could be mistaken for the Robb Effect, but I can guarantee you that it has been trips to the local drinking establishments that have caused their gain, not being friends with me.
How long does it take the Robb Effect to wear off without surgical intervention? It’s hard to tell, but I think it’s about three to four years. If I spot the ex-whatever before then, she will appear to be in the throes of a post-Robb Effect and looks as if she had gained even more weight. But by about year three, the effect starts to wear off and by year four, the ex-whatever is at their pre-Robb weight, or are even smaller than they were before.
Looking back, I should have really turned this into a Hollywood Diet. As you know, actresses often have to gain or lose weight for a part. Instead of going through some silly diet, they could just have had a relationship with me. They’d swell up in no time for their part, then we could end it all after filming was complete and it could come off again. With a little work, I could probably find a way for them to make it come off more quickly than a three to four year period. What a selfless service I could provide.
I know that my latest ex-whatever lost 250 pounds in her Post-Robb Effect stage. Remarkable, I know. Unfortunately, she’s referring to me as the excess weight.
I guess the Robb Effect isn’t all bad. 🙂
Out on the Treasure Coast, wondering what I should have for breakfast…
— Robb