Last night I got to get a little practice in on a thing most guys can do one handed. And no, I wasn’t in the bathroom. I was on the couch. Wait, this is starting to sound even worse.
OK, let’s start over. The Janmeister wanted to take off her bra. Most guys are pretty adept at doing this with one hand and the more talented ones can pop a bra off from any side, direction or position.
I learned this skill pretty early. My first attempt was a rather sloppy one with Lori Burton. Thankfully, she was really skilled at taking off her own bra in front of a guy. I can only assume that she had had a lot of practice. I admit that I really didn’t know what to do with its contents. They were marvelous to look at, but beyond that, I think I was in shock. Oh sure, I cradled and cuddled them, but otherwise I was at a total loss.
For the next couple years, I didn’t get any practice at all. The women’s movement was in full swing and most of the girls I knew in high school didn’t wear bras. I’m not really sure if it was part of the women’s movement or the fact that a lot of the girls were wearing halter tops and the bras of the day simply wouldn’t work.
I really think the reason guys didn’t cut class much back then was the fact that girls didn’t wear bras. I mean, what sex crazed teen wouldn’t want to make his way down the halter filled halls of Hazen High.
As always, there were the girls who couldn’t enjoy the latest fashions. Karen Snyder was one. She was very healthy in that area but compensated for not wearing a halter by wearing lots of tight sweaters in cold weather.
She was definitely a four hooker. As you know, the more well endowed the girl, the more substantial the rigging she wears. Not wanting to risk a hardware failure, multiple redundancies are built into the bra, as if they were built by NASA.
Less busty girls can usually get away with just one hooker. There’s not a lot of physics going on here, even if the girl is running full tilt down the hall. A single hook is plenty. If it was to give way, you may not even notice.
These are a great starting point for a horny lad. A single hooker is easy to handle. Even if you’re inexperienced, all you have to do is take down a single hooker and you’re in like Flynn as they say.
Even a rookie can handle the single. A double is a bit more difficult, however. In order to perfect the maneuver, you have to be able to unhook them both at once. If you don’t, what started as a smooth move turns into a struggle. The girl has no choice but to ask you what you’re doing, largely because she was hoping to act surprised that you so masterfully unhooked her bra, especially if you’re in a moment of passion and trying to get to the next base.
Only a real pro would tackle a three or four hooker in their youth. Properly done, they will yield some pretty amazing prizes, but they are not for the faint of heart. Again, it has to be done in one motion or else you look like an inexperienced loser.
I’ve taken on three or four hookers in my time. There is a trick to it, too. First, you really need to have a bra in good repair. The newer the better. Eventually, the hooks get a little bent in every day wear and the occasional trip through the washing machine. Bent hooks are a guy’s worst nightmare. There you are, giving it your best shot. One, two, three away and then you get hung up on the fourth. It just won’t budge. By now, the whole rigging is under a lot of stress and strain so the hook is under even more pressure.
Eventually, one of two things happens. Either your date has to remove it herself, something she is loathe to do at the risk of looking a bit too easy, or you end up pinching her skin as you desperately try to unhook that last hook so you can get an eyeful and if you’re really lucky, a face full.
Thankfully, I am well qualified in the hooker department, or should I say, unhooker department. I can easily handle four hookers all at once, rarely being on the hook for an unhooked hook.
I must say that years of being a pirate really moved my training along. I never was good at this whole unhooking thing. As I said, women’s fashions in high school went from halter tops straight into sun dresses, which also didn’t require bras. I didn’t get any time in with hookers until my pirate years. There I had lots of unhooking to do.
There were times when girls would do the work themselves. This would happen in a random bar. As a pirate, all I had to do was “innocently” tell a woman that I didn’t believe that they could remove her bra right there in the bar and the woman would readily oblige. They would then happily give me their bra as a souvenir.
Knowing what these things cost these days makes me wonder what they were thinking. First, I know now that a woman will never give up a bra that is actually comfortable. They are such a rarity. As such, I can only assume that all the bras hanging up on the ceiling of a place like Captain Tony’s in Key West were actually defective. They had been worn by women who were in the company of inferior hookers, bent beyond repair.
I always marveled at one of the defective bras up there on the ceiling by the stage. It looked to be a six hooker. I’ve never happend upon six hookers. I swear you could hide a whole marching band in that over the shoulder boulder holder.
I’m fine with the fact I’ve never had six hookers in my lifetime. I don’t think I could handle all the hookers at once. And even if I could, I’d probably just end up like I did with Lori Burton – shell shocked and unable to “handle” the situation.
In the Emerald City, and yes it rhymes with titty,
– Robb