I know, the end of the line is “going to get married.” As we know, I’ve been down the aisle a few times in my life. I could have saved myself two of them, if I had only known what modern researchers have uncovered recently.
We all know the feeling of getting cold feet. You know, the runaway bride or groom thing where you come to your senses and run for your life. I’ve known people who have had it. My own ex had it, not with me but the husband before me. Her father even told her she could cut and run as she was getting ready to walk down the aisle.
But she didn’t. As she once told me, “By then I was playing a part, like a role in a movie. I had rehearsed my lines and hit my marks so many times the real thing didn’t seem very real.”
Certainly my last time down the aisle felt like that. It was a real production, let me tell you, and I didn’t really walk down the aisle, but rather over a plank and onto the stage at the Pirates Dinner Adventure Theatre.
Talk about just going through your lines and hitting your marks. I don’t think the gravity of the situation took hold at all. It was just another pirate production, one of many I had done.
Yes, I had cold feet. I knew then that something was wrong. I can only claim temporary insanity and the need to hold onto what little I had in a new life that was 3,000 miles away from home. I figured, hey, if I’m going to stay in Florida for the rest of my life, why not get married to the person I went there for.
What a dumb basis for such a big decision. I should have listened to that little voice inside me, because researchers have confirmed that your intuition is right almost all the time.
Let’s review the study, shall we? In the Journal of Family Psychology, researchers reported that cold feet is a perfectly good reason to cut and run. Fully 47% of husbands reported having cold feet as did 38% of the wives.
Among those reporting cold feet, 19% of the women and 14% of the men were divorced four years later.
Worse, those who took the plunge anyway were 2.5 times more likely to divorce.
It seems that the wedding jitters are related to the fact that as you make one of the biggest decisions in your life, you gain momentary clarity. The big change you’re about to make causes you to think about what you’re doing. Momentarily, you gain some perspective as the rose colored glasses come off. You see, ever so briefly, that there may be problems that will later become donnybrooks that then become all out fights that finally lead to divorce.
I certainly should have known the signs in my last marriage. They were there all along. As I said a few RobZerrvations ago, I’m not going to point fingers any longer. We were both at fault. I wasn’t the least bit ready to get married and she had never been married before. Our collective expectations for “wedded bliss” were built on quicksand. It was only a matter of time before my own regrets and her Prince Charming fantasies would collide.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t had dreamed up this whole idea of incorporating our wedding into their big dinner theater production. Perhaps if I had done away with the pirate costume, the 15 page play, the schtick and the trappings, I would like to think I would have listened to that voice inside of me who days before, was screaming for me to cut my losses and run for it.
But I had so much invested, or so I thought. I had made a huge deal about the fact that I was happy to be in Florida, that Washington State sucked and that all of my old friends who were trying to talk me into coming back were just jealous.
Unfortunately, I am both stubborn and delusional at times. Not a good combination. I had literally made my own bed and was going to lay in it come hell or high water. Hence, the delusions about this was where I belonged. It sounded so good at the time. Well, it sounded good to my head. My gut was in knots. It wanted out.
No one really knew this at the time. I can put on a really good front, smiling all the while I’m crying and at times, even dying deep down.
Like most people who are about to take the plunge, though, there was a lot riding on this. By the time the second thoughts had really taken hold, we were several grand into the wedding, all the guests were already invited, people were flying in and rehearsals at the theater had been scheduled.
Then, somewhere along the way, the jitters about being married gave way to opening night jitters. Like any actor about to perform in a production, I got stage fright. At least I thought it was stage fright. In reality it was more than likely the wedding jitters, because like much of relationship, the time leading up to the wedding itself was fraught with disagreements, tantrums (on her side) and immature outbursts (on mine).
By the time the Disney weddings came along the day before, I was numb to the whole getting married thing. We went through five separate ceremonies at the Magic Kingdom on live TV feeds, so by now, it was all just going through the motions, smiling at Point A, putting on rings at Point B and saying, “I do.”
Any thought of saying “I don’t” had vanished in the familiarity of saying, “I do” over and over.
So I did, but I shouldn’t have. Other friends have told similar tales to me. Fortunately for me, my marriage misery ended rather early this time. Others are still in their struggles, living a less than happy life out of a sense of duty rather than finally being honest with themselves and saying “I did, but I don’t now.” I sure am glad I did.
In the Emerald City, offering mea culpas to my friends who can now say, “I told you so,”
– Robb