Many years ago my once wife worked as a chamber of commerce director. More precisely, she was the Silverdale Chamber of Commerce Director.
Her task was to turn the failing organization around, which had suffered a little bit of scandal as well as some financial mismanagement. It was in debt, membership was down and the entire organization was on the ropes. Suffice it to say, she turned it around in just two years.
The job came with some unexpected perks. The Navy is really big stuff on the Kitsap Peninsula, as I suppose is appropriate, given that the Bremerton Naval Yard is there as well a Bangor.
The military is really smart, courting favor at every opportunity. It is through this desire to court favor that my ex and I were invited to Seafair one year. No, not the parade. The hydro races. And no, not just the races, but the Blue Angels.
Sure, tens of thousands head to the shores of Lake Washington to watch the Blues. When an admiral invites you, however, you get a better view, a much better view. We were invited out on the Admiral’s private launch. It’s really funny that they call it a launch. It was a yacht for all practical purpose, anchored all by itself out on the north turn of the race course, right under the flight path of the Blues.
I guess when you’re an Admiral you can do that. To say it was an amazing day is an understatement. I didn’t really care about hanging out with the Admiral; that was the ex’s job. Instead, I just enjoyed the day as her perk-laden husband.
It’s hard to beat a day with the fastest boats on earth, but my ex had another boat she thought I’d like to see and boy, was she right.
We were invited out to Bangor. If you don’t know what a Bangor is, it’s the Navy’s sub base on the Kitsap Peninsula. Half of the Trident sub fleet is based there, the other half being stationed in Georgia.
We were invited to tour a Trident sub. These are not the smallish attack subs you see in the movies. This is a mammoth ship. It is 560 feet long, about as tall as the Space Needle if it was stood on end. It carries 24 Trident missiles, each armed with 8 warheads. The non-nuclear variety carries 154 Tomahawk cruise missiles.
The tour started with the simulator. It’s there that they let me “drive” the sub in a simulated crash dive and resurface. Think Crimson Tide for how that works. I thought it was a pretty important job. But it’s actually the starter position on the boat. 18 year old sailors drive the world’s most powerful killing machine. Go figure. I imagine it’s just one big video game to them.
The USS Alaska
From there it was time to go out to the sub. Ours was in dry dock at the time, which really gives you a good sense of how big these subs are. In the water they are a lot like an iceberg, most of the sub is below the surface. But in dock, geez this thing is tall, wide and long.
We entered via the conning tower hatch that was at the main deck level. The ladder is six stories straight down. The sailors just grab onto each side and shoot down it, not using the rungs. Crazy cool.
Us landlubbers used every single rung. I certainly did. I was scared of heights back then and looking six stories down with nothing to stop you if you slipped was very unsettling.
My ex was a real trooper. She was seven months pregnant with Parker. Still, she gamely made her way down the ladder. The sub is both spacious and cramped. It would be really roomy if it weren’t for having a nuclear reactor in the center, oh and 24 very large missile launch tubes.
The missiles weren’t aboard, unfortunately. They have to be unloaded at Indian Island, the Navy munitions base. It didn’t really matter. As our guide talked about their capabilities, you knew that we’re all screwed if it ever came down to launching these beasts.
An interesting piece of trivia for you here. These missiles are a great deal for taxpayers. Each cost $30.9 million but we don’t have to pay for one until it is actually launched. Given that they will be the opening salvo in Armageddon, I don’t think it’s a bill any of us will actually have to pay.
A second slightly unsettling fact. The whole boat runs on the Windows operating system. I am just hoping that Bill Gates doesn’t have the passcode so he can go through the back door, ala Matthew Broderick in War Games. “Want to play a game Mr. Gates? How about Global Thermonuclear War?”
We learned that the boat is really crowded when it first heads out to sea. Theoretically, a Trident sub can stay out at sea indefinitely. It’s tour of duty is only limited by the amount of food it carries. Each Trident carries 15 officers and 145 enlisted men, hungry young sailors who eat 24 hours a day aboard ship. Imagine how much food 159 guys will eat in six months, stack it all up, and then stuff it into a sub. There is food stacked everywhere in the first few months. The galley is comparatively small as you can imagine. There’s not a lot of cupboard space aboard the boat so it goes down the halls, under sailor’s beds… everywhere.
Our tour ended just as it started. We had to climb back up the six story ladder. As I made my way up, sailors continued to shoot down the ladder next to me like rockets. I still marvel at that. I don’t think I would have ever figured out how to do it.
Well, gracefully, at least. I know I would shoot down it at least once, purely out of peer pressure. And I would eventually stop, with a crash of broken bones at the bottom. Thankfully, they have a sick bay on board. Lord knows I would need it.
In the Emerald City, thanking my lucky stars that young bucks love to keep us safe from harm aboard these amazing vessels,
– Robb