With the advent of Facebook and other social media, I have taken some time thinking about my friendships. It’s funny how on Facebook you end up connecting with people you may have never met in real life, yet feel as if you’ve known them all your life.
I have a friend like that. She has this hilarious sense of humor, one that is so much like mine. And I admit that every day I get online, I hope to see another one of her pearls of a post on my Wall.
Lisa and I have never met but we have had amazing mind meld exchanges that make me count her as a friend. And she doesn’t even have to bail me out of jail. As we all know, that’s my usual definition of a friend these days. You call from jail at 2 a.m., and you need bail. A true friend answers the phone and comes get your ass out of the pokey. A fair weather friend looks at the caller ID and puts their ringer on mute.
How do I know? I’ve spent an awful lot of time in my life with fair weather friends. I can’t even begin to add up all the hours I’ve spent nurturing a friendship that was all one sided, one that when the chips were down, quickly proved not to be a real friendship, but perhaps one of convenience or in name only.
Like being in love with a significant other, I think there’s a period of time when you wear rose colored glasses in a friendship. When it’s new, it’s all happiness. You cherish every moment together. But then, eventually, you hit a rocky point and all bets are off. If it’s a true friendship, you find your way back to one another. I have done this myself with several friends, having had a falling out or two where a lot of things you wish hadn’t been said are and you don’t speak for a time. Sometimes, a long time. And then one day, you forget what it was all about. The friendship endures is stronger than mere words or actions.
But with fair weather friends, the S.S. Friendship is always running parallel to a rocky shore. At a moment’s notice, the tiller can go hard over and you hit the shoals full speed ahead. While you’re still caught aboard a sinking ship, a friendship, your best bud is hightailing it to reach dry land, never looking back to see if you made it.
Case in point. I once had a “friend” named Gail, or Stormy in the pirate world. She came across as a great friend, someone who would always be there when you needed her. She would do what a lot of fair weather friends would do. She would come on strong with all the signs of friendship. She’d be there for you through thick and thin. But then one day, you’d do something that she didn’t approve of. For instance, you fell in love with a someone you both knew and she tells you that you never date a friend or the boyfriend or girlfriend of a friend. Then you never hear from her again.
Oh yes, you were set up by your fair weather friend. It turns out that it was a friendship of convenience from the very start. As long as she got what she wanted out of the relationship, everything was hunky-dory. But as soon as you had needs, forget it. You’re chastised, beaten to a pulp, called every name in the book and then she’s out of there, never to be heard of again.
Unfortunately, there’s a lot of Gails in this world. I liken them to remoras, you know, those sucker fish that attach themselves to sharks, enjoying the perks of someone else’s life without really having to do much of the heavy lifting in the relationship. They are stuck to you like glue, a Thelma and Louise kind of relationship. Well, almost a Thelma and Louise. Just as you’re heading for the precipice she encouraged you to head for full bore, she opens the door and makes a jump for it, leaving you to fend for yourself. Before you’ve even hit the bottom of the revine she’s jumped into someone else’s car and became fast friends forever with them instead.
I’m not really sure why we spend so much time wooing these friends who will only be fair weather. They take so much of our energy. I guess we gain the temporary glory of thinking we have a lot of friends. We can think we’re really popular and loved, because we have all these people surrounding us.
But you can’t have a lot of close friends in life. They are really few and far between. It’s like a radiating circle. In the inner circle are your close friends, those who are with you through thick and thin. You can go days, months, even years not hearing a peep from them, then you answer the phone or have lunch and it’s like you’ve never been apart. Then there are your other friends, people you have contact with on a more casual level. You’d never tell them your deepest secrets and they never would share theirs. But you’re still good friends. Then everyone else is merely an acquaintance, people who orbit around you like a celestial object. I liken them to being the moons that rotate around other people’s planets who then rotate around you, the sun. They don’t really benefit from you, the sun, but still bask in your warmth. But they will never orbit you directly, they like being moon.
Me? I don’t have any time any longer for fair weather friends. It’s not that I will write them off or not accept what they are willing to give. It’s just that I won’t keep giving. I am old enough and wise enough to call a spade a spade these days, and thankfully, when it comes to friends, I already have a Full House.
In the Emerald City, laying all my cards on the table,
– Robb