I have always had a policy of not dating anyone in the media. The rule not only extends to reporters, columnists and “personalities,” but also to actors and actresses. A producer would be fine, and even a director, but no one who has been actually on camera.
It’s based on my own experiences, which I admit, are limited. So don’t consider anything I say here as all encompassing or all inclusive as it could include people from other walks of life as well, such as cheerleaders. I just don’t have a hard and fast rule about not dating cheerleaders and homecoming queens.
I have only broken this rule once, and it ended less than happily ever after, as we all know. More like an episode of “Tales From the Crypt” instead of “Once Upon a Time.”
My rule was only formed because the few women I met early in life who were media types – mostly theater and on air – were a bit stuck on themselves. Now, I know that a lot of celebrities can have pretty big egos, some even perhaps rightfully so. But I don’t really think someone who acts in a local community theater or someone who slaves away in a third rate media market as a reporter should really have that same insatiable ego. Hence, my rule.
What I didn’t know until just a day or two ago was that this is actually a mental illness. It could be argued that we all have some form of mental illness. Lord knows, I have my favorites. Thankfully, none of mine are based on an exaggerated sense of greatness.
Yes, boys and girls, it turns out that narcissism is a mental disorder. While it’s good to have a healthy ego and a good dose of self-esteem, thinking you’re the bomb when you’re actually not leads to severe problems in your personal and professional life.
NPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, afflicts about 1% of the population. I have had the pleasure for some reason to meet many them, and to have married one.
If you’re not sure you know someone who has NPD and didn’t have the pleasure of knowing my ex-whatever, then here are some high points of the disorder. And believe me, they are doozies.
First, NPD sufferers tend to make great first impressions. They can be magnetic, charming and gregarious. But spend some time with them, and you start to see cracks in the plaster.
For example, they tend to fly off the handle if they don’t hear what they want to hear. They react to criticism by humiliating you, they take advantage of others to glorify themselves, expect to be treated differently than others, need constant attention and admiration, exaggerate their achievements or position in life and disregard the feelings of others.
They often come across as self-centered, manipulative, demanding, cocky and ruthless. In short, they lack authentic empathy. They may pander to you, as it may be the means that justifies their end, but it’s only lip service.
Oh, and there’s another version of NPD, called vulnerable narcissism. This is marked by weak self-image, feelings of anger, shame or depression, self-criticism and social withdrawal.
Here’s the kicker. An NPD sufferer usually suffers some degree of vulnerable narcissism and grandiose narcissism, so they vacillate between the two extremes. At one moment they are totally full of themselves, using other people to feed their insatiable ego. But if they are called on it, someone says something to them that actually hits its mark, they retreat into their own little world, putting up walls to protect them.
Worst of all, they don’t even know they have NPD. If a psychologist tests them, they will say that they feel good about themselves. But if they are hooked up to a lie detector, the truth comes spilling out – they have very low self-esteem.
It’s like dealing with Jekyll and Hyde. You never know what you’re getting, hence the problem of trying to have a normal relationship with them – there is no normal setting on their mental thermostat. They run ice cold or red hot, depending on the input you’re giving them.
So where does this all come from? Experts disagree what makes the narcissists in our world tick. But the general line of thought is that it comes from some kind of traumatic experience in their world. You know the one, child abuse. They were totally screwed up in their youth, experiencing severe emotional deprivation. It can come from unloving or demanding parents, the lack of nurturing, being totally spoiled or molested. Rather than deal with the whole situation, they compensate for their damaged self-esteem by shoring up their sense of self to outrageous proportions so no one can hurt them again.
Unfortunately, social media only adds fuel to the fire. We all know the friend collectors out there, the people who have thousands of “friends” on Facebook. Psychologists say these are good candidates for NPD, because the number of friends they have further validates their egos and delusions of grandeur. They can’t really be all that bad because a lot of people “like” them.
What do their real friends and loved ones do? Tired of the constant belittling, they eventually leave. They realize that they don’t have to take the abuse any longer, so they break off the relationship after they figure out that they can’t fix things. NPDs typically have a lot of transient relationships as a result.
For the NPD, it’s a no-win situation. Deep down, they are very unhappy people. They are merely hiding behind the grandiose walls they built to protect their true selves. They can’t let anyone get inside. And few people feel any sympathy for the NPD, dismissing them as being a bitch or a bastard because they can’t show true empathy for anything or anyone.
As for me, I’m back to the no media “personalities” rule again. I’ve also added princesses, queens and cheerleaders to the list as well. Give me an N! Give me a P! Give me an D! What’s that spell? ME dammit!!!! Who else?
In the Emerald City, slightly OCD but thankfully not NPD,
– Robb