As noted a few days ago, I was so excited about this year’s presidential election that I threw my own hat into the ring at the last minute and cast my vote for well, me.
I thought long and hard about this. After all, it’s a big decision to take this glam job, one that gives you almost half a million dollars in annual pay and a shiny white house. Yes, it’s in that other Washington, but you know, if I get to be president, I promise to move that big white house to somewhere where the weather in nicer, like Florida.
On second thought, why bother? I could just take back the other White House that is already in Key West, the vacation spot Truman and Kennedy liked to frequent. If the Little White House was good enough for them, I suppose it would be good enough for me, too. That would also save a lot of moving expenses, let alone avoid the wrath of taxpaying commuters, who would be cursing me for blocking rush hour traffic with a giant mansion moving along at two miles per hour down the eastern seaboard.
I have also thought long and hard about the things I want to accomplish in office. As you well know, it’s very important to set the tone for your administration by making a bunch of promises you never plan to keep, all so that people will fall for your bullsh** and put you in office.
So let’s see. Well, I’ll start with the easy ones that always seem to get people’s vote. I won’t raise your taxes. No, wait, that’s not strong enough these days. Instead, I will cut your taxes and pay off the national debt within two years because my opponent said he could do it in four.
I’m also going to increase the minimum wage to $25 an hour, because let’s face it, no one can really live off the measly minimum wage we have right now. I will also freeze the cost of living and do away with inflation. They’re just not good for the economy.
Sure, I know my critics will say that I can’t possibly cut taxes and pay off the national debt at the same time. Something about the math doesn’t come out. Well, I wouldn’t really know about that. I didn’t do all that well in math in high school or college. So, you’ll have to trust me when I say we can do that.
Moving on to foreign policy. First, I have a no war policy. Not a fan of it, never have been, never will. I don’t think veterans should have to ever work again, they worked hard enough during their hitch in the military. We should just take over Cuba and give all the veterans some lovely homes in the tropics where they can drink cuba libras to their heart’s content and drive 1950s cars around the island, also free.
We won’t have any foreign military bases. We have bombers that can fly around the globe so I think we should give this land back to the countries they’re in. And while we’re at it, let’s give the land we took from the Indians back to them. You know, we haven’t taken very good care of the United States, so we should just give it back. Let them build all the casinos they want and use the revenue to rebuild our streets and highways and send our kids to good schools with all the profits they make from their famously tight machines. I will give my friend Pierre oversight of the casino industry.
I know this may cause some inconvenience to homeowners since their property will come under the control of tribes. To compensate, I will annex Mexico and parts of the Caribbean so you can move there instead. I would have annexed Canada but the weather’s better in Mexico. So is the food.
As far as my domestic policy. I definitely think everyone should get free health care. We should never have old people who are forced to eat cat food, unless they really like it, of course. No one should be homeless either. But if I can’t fix that problem in my first term, I would issue an Executive Order moving them all to Florida where at least they don’t have to freeze to death at night in the cold winter months.
As for the business sector, I am obviously very pro business. I would like to see us make more stuff in the United States. I think the world loves the stuff we make and there’s a lot of room for growth in manufacturing. To finance all the new factories, I would make it illegal for any CEO or other manager in business to make more than I do as the President of the United States. I mean, hello! Who thought that stupid idea up. I have to make a lot more decisions than you Mister CEO and I can end the world with a push of the button. What can you do? Open a new branch office in Duluth?
I think everyone should have a job too. It’s good for the economy. If you can’t find a job I will make one for you. It worked well during the Depression, if you have studied your history. Out of work artists painted murals that we still love today. Others cleaned up the city streets, painted bridges, poured concrete – the list goes on. In return, I will feed and house you, make sure you get a good skill and put some money in your pockets so you can feel as if you are a valued part of our society because you are.
In fact, some of you can come stay at the White House. That’s a lot of space for just one guy. As one of my first acts, I will turn it into a bed and breakfast so that it can generate some money to pay off the debt in my first two years. Let’s see, that’s 11 bedrooms at $250 a night with a full breakfast included (no one really likes continental) times… uh, um, dang, it’s that math thing again, isn’t it?
Well, just take my word for it. I’ll pay off the debt in no time at all. Trust me. 😉
In the Emerald City, reserving the moving van for my big move to the other Washington,
– Robb