I admit that I wrote this when I was in college. The year was 1979 and I was in my Art Buchwald stage. I still think it’s one of the funniest, and in the case of the opening, more ironic things I’ve written. Some things are just worth sharing again.
The release of President Richard Nixon’s tapes have been quite interesting. It shows a paranoid, obsessed president who ordered unnecessary break-ins and planned to find an African American shill to run as a Democrat against him, funded by the Republican coffers (Note: I did not alter this passage to suit our times).
But what the public has not hear is the more sensitive, softer side of Nixon, including one particularly touching track of the President as he told his children, Tricia and Julie, a bedtime story late one night. It went something like this:
“Once upon a time, there lived a little man named Spiro Agnetto. He owned a little shop that made marionettes. His shop was filled with them. But in one corner was a special marionette, complete with strings and joints.
“Agnetto worked on him every day. He lovingly painted his mouth and eyes and gave him a little stick for a nose. He even added a receding hairline to the top of his little wooden head. When he was finished, Agnetto tried to think of a name. Suddenly, it came to him. ‘Nixonocchio!’ he exclaimed. ‘I’ll call him Nixonocchio.’
“Just before Agnetto went to sleep that night, he made a wish that his puppet would become a real politician. As he slept, a fairy came from out of the sky, flew through the window and said, ‘Because you have been so good, Spiro, I’ll grant you your wish.’ Then she waved her magic wand and Nixonocchio awoke.
“But the fairy told him that he was not a real politician yet, and the if he proved himself brave, unselfish and truthful to the last, that he could be a real one. It was up to him to choose between right and wrong.
“To make sure he knew which was which the fairy appointed a cricket, Kissinger Cricket, to be his conscience. The fairy tapped him on the shoulder and he became Secretary Kissinger.
“The next day, Agnetto sent Nixonocchio off to the White House. The old gentleman was pretty happy calling his puppet, Mr. President. How were they to know that some old meanies were going to try to make trouble for old Nixonoke?
“A sly fox called honest John, a bad cat named Liddy, a villain called Haldeman, and a real baddy known as McGruder, tried to sway Nixonocchio to go with them to the Land of Watergate. ‘All the real politicians go there,’ said Haldeman. ‘They just follow the Road to Injustice all the way to the Point of No Return.’
“Nixonocchio was worried whether or not there were any strings attached. ‘None,’ said Honest John. ‘It’s as easy as bugging the Democrats.’ Nixonocchio was relieved and began to sing this song:
‘I got no strings like ITT,
there are no strings on me!
Hi, ho, merri-o, that’s the only way to be!
I want the world to know, nothing ever worries me.’
“Nixonocchio followed his new found friends to the Land of Watergate. Along the way he told so many lies to so many people, that he suddenly sprouted . . . you guessed it: big long, gray ears. Within moments, his face grew hairy and it took on a new form. Poor Nixonocchio! He had lied so much that he made an ass of himself.
“Nixonocchio now realized the trouble he had gotten himself into and he hurried home to ask Agnetto what he should do. But, when he arrived there, Agnetto was gone; vanished from public view. While he stood there wondering what to do next, an aide flew in and delivered a note. It said that Agnetto had gone looking for loopholes and had been swallowed by Congress, a monstrous whale of a whale.
“After months of searching, Nixonocchio finally found the whale. Or, should I say, the whale found him. Anyway, the whale opened its giant mouth, and in one gulp, swallowed Nixonocchio and a sea of tapes and transcripts. After many, many years of fighting, both he and Agnetto escaped from Congress the mighty whale; a little ruffled, but still in one political piece. And because he was such a good and brave boy in the face of the evil whale, the fairy made him President for Life and they all lived happily ever after in the big White House on Pennsylvania Avenue.”
THE END
Well, what did you expect? It’s a fairy tale, isn’t it?
’til again!
— Robb