Growing up, I don’t remember a time when there wasn’t a Ding Dong in my life. I could get a wonderful Ho-Ho any time of the year, even when it wasn’t Christmas. And if I was really desperate, I could get in a couple of Zingers with my friends.
But now, it looks like many of our childhood favorites will never see the light of day again. Unless you buried a couple cases of Twinkies in the backyard, you may never be able to dazzle the young’uns with the magic of sucking all the creamy white filling out of their golden cake without even taking a bite.
Yes, the Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling, that marvel of 82-year-old food science that almost drove Woody Harrelson to madness in Zombieland may be no more. Unless another company steps up and buys the brand rights, we may never be able to enjoy a Suzy Q, Tiger Tail or Zinger again.
If you’re a fan of Hostess, then you are probably caterwauling right now. You’re saying, “Hey, Zingers are Dolly Madison, not Hostess.” But the sinister plot to take away nearly all our taste treats extends far beyond the Twinkie and Ding Dong. Hostess is a giant conglomerate, the largest bakery in the country. They also make Dolly Madison goodies, Merita and Wonder Bread. We’re talking 36 bakeries, 500 distribution centers and countless bakery store outlets. All are being put up on the auction block because, well, the bakery owes a lot of dough.
You see, Hostess is in Chapter 22. Never heard of it? That’s because it is in Chapter 11 for the second time in just a decade. The company has a billion dollars in debt and no one could come to an agreement about how to fix the thing.
It’s not that people aren’t buying Twinkies. The company is selling their line of snack products at the rate of $2 billion annually. So, Ding Dongs and Ho-Hos may indeed rise from the ashes, largely due to their highl value as brands. But Hostess will be no more. And Twinkie the Kid will be hocking his bandana and cowboy boots, joining nearly 19,000 fellow workers in the unemployment line.
Not sure what the workers were thinking here, as they are now all without jobs, just in time for the holidays. About 83% were union. They went out on strike Nov. 9 to protest cuts to their pay.
Well, that worked out well. Yes, they had to take a pay cut. Lots of us have during this downturn in our economy, including me. I guess the old axiom that “100% of nothing is still nothing” is true, because that’s what all these workers just got for their bold decision to strike. They are without jobs and it’s not like there are a lot of bakeries out there to take up the slack. My own local bakery has an opening, but I don’t think they want to hire a line worker who has made nothing but Twinkies for the last 15 years. It’s a pretty niche market.
I certainly know that Twinkie the Kid will have a hard time of it. Lots of brand characters do. The Frito Bandito never found work again as a brand icon after the “Frito Bandito” song debacle. Rumor has it that he’s running a food truck in Burbank. The Hamburglar has never been able to beat the rap and you know how hard it is for a guy with a record to get a job. And now, Twinkie the Kid joins them in the unemployment life. He doesn’t really have a long employment record, he is, after all, just a kid. I’m not even sure he’ll make it to the front of the line, as the Hamburglar hasn’t eaten since McDonalds unceremoniously cast him aside along with Mayor McCheese, who has since found gainful employment in the FDA.
I’m sure that Twinkies will rise from the dust of bankruptcy and closure. Already, some branding experts are wringing their hands over it, dreaming of new Twinkie flavors and limited edition Twinkies. I’m sure that thousands of carnies will be breathing a sigh of relief, knowing that they will still be able to serve up tens of thousands of artery clogging deep-fried Twinkies come fair season.
But for the moment, the holiday season looms and there will be a shortage of Sno Balls. I’m not really sure who ever really ate Sno Balls, but they sound Christmasy. Oh sure, I’ve tried them, but they are really odd concoctions. I’ve never really fancied Ding Dongs either, and the media’s assertion that Ding Dongs and Suzi Q’s are the same is nothing short of ludicrous and certainly misinformed. Ding Dongs and Ho Ho’s perhaps, but Suzi Q’s? Never!
Thanks to the greed of the workers and corporate stooges, my grandson may never know the magic of a turkey, stuffing and cranberry sandwich made with Wonder Bread on Thanksgiving. Another family tradition down the drain.
Me, I’ve lost at least one serving of fruit now. I will no longer be able to delude myself into thinking that I am at least pandering to the Food Pyramid when I stop at the local mini mart to grab a Hostess Fruit Pie, a guilty pleasure that may be no more. (sniff!).
And while I feel for the workers who were between a rock and a hard place, I have to wonder what they were thinking in this economic client. A job, even one with a pay cut and reduced benefits, is far better than a job standing in line at the unemployment office, taking up a spot right behind Twinkie the Kid, who will look back at you with an accusing eye because of your need and some say greed. Because of you, he must now pound the pavement in this cruel, unforgiving world of ours where he will be undoubtedly be eaten alive, but only if he passes a certain food truck in Burbank.
In the Emerald City, wondering if the remaining Hos are looking for a good time on Aurora Avenue,
– Robb