Once upon a time there lived a pirate. He was not your average pirate, for he lived life in the wood, not on the sea. It didn’t really bother him much, as he had found a quite nice life there in the wood and besides, he couldn’t remember where he had last left his ship.
In the wood was a wonderful maiden who lived not far away. The pirate had spotted her one day as he walked to town. She lived in a cottage down by the stream. She was not at her best when he first set eyes on her. Her flock of geese had just gotten loose and she had no way to gather them alone. The pirate helped her tend to her flock.
In gratitude, she asked him to tea. As they sat, they engaged in delightful repartee. He was attracted to her from the start and for hours they talked. Occasionally she would laugh so hard at something he would say that she would fart a most monstrous fart. This caused them to laugh even more, the pirate and the lass farting the night away.
They grew quite close, sharing one another’s deepest secrets, she aware that he was a pirate; he aware that she snored in her sleep, drank too much and uttered vulgar words, some too vulgar for even a pirate to hear.
He had planned to spend his life with this wonderful lass. Yes, she was a bit plain by other’s standards, but he saw beyond that, cherishing her for her gifts and her gaffs.
One day the pirate went to town. As he walked by his beloved, he bid her farewell. She knew not what errand he was on. Unknown to her, he planned to visit the jeweler and buy her a ring.
In town, the pirate made great haste to make his way to the jeweler, for he had much gold with him and he knew that there were thieves about. To thwart them, he took a different lane to the shop this day.
It was there that he first cast his eyes upon a princess. Her golden hair cascaded from her head, flowing and blowing in the breeze as she stood in the window of the castle. She sang a siren’s song, a hypnotic verse that left him standing there, looking up at her in complete and utter awe.
He knew that song. He had heard it as a youth. It cam from a beauty of a girl who had captured his young heart; whom he had often thought of as the years passed, but whom he had lost touch with many, many years ago.
The princess noticed the pirate down below. She waved to him politely, hoping he would go away. But he did not. He simply stood there, gazing at her, entranced by her beauty and perfection.
Eventually he mustered up the courage to bid her good day. As he spoke, the words flowed like wine, intoxicating the princess with every syllable and verse. He spoke poetry to her, of her beauty, and the magical spell that had been cast upon him.
The princess was amused by this rogue. But she was already engaged to marry a prince who cared not for her. She knew that she did not love him and he not her. It was a marriage of convenience, not love, one that would provide her with a comfortable life; albeit an unremarkable one.
Each day the pirate would make his way to town, traveling down the same worn path, past his beloved’s cottage, intent on buying the ring he had been saving for.
And each time he would pass by the princess, standing in the window above. Each day he would speak to her, uttering his melodic verse, falling ever more in love with her. She resisted his overtures at first, of course, telling him that she had already been spoken for.
But still he persisted. He knew not why, except that he once thought he would never set eyes upon this beautiful creature again, as precious as a sunrise, as stunning as the most beautiful rainbow, more captivating than a full moon glistening on the fresh fallen snow of a winter’s morn.
If only she would come to him, he would make her the happiest woman on earth. Eventually she did, unable to resist his overtures and the pirate and princess married.
It was on their honeymoon, that the pirate began to learn that the princess was not perfect; in fact, she was a bit of a pain in the ass. True to her princess ways, she expected him to wait on her hand and foot, she spent hours in front of the mirror, putting every perfect hair in place. Though her beauty was divine, she used it for pure evil, castigating the poor pirate for every little transgression. She bitched and moaned about every little thing, telling him at the same time that he was the luckiest man on earth to have such a lovely woman by his side.
His dream of happily ever after turned into a daily nightmare as he tended hopelessly to her every wish, hoping that she was indeed worth it. As he slaved away, doing the dishes into the late night from the sumptuous meals she would command be made for her, he thought back to the rather plain girl in the cottage in the wood who farted unapologetically and brayed when she laughed.
If only he had realized that the path to true happiness didn’t go through a dream world, one inhabited by that little girl from so long ago, the one he had pursued so diligently, who was now his wife – and a complete bitch. No. The path to happily ever after instead led right past the cottage in the wood, with the down to earth lass who drank too much sometimes, snored much too loudly and yet, though she was not perfect, she was indeed perfect for him.
Perhaps someday, Prince Charming will come along looking for the princess. He will find her there in the wood, near the cottage by the stream. But it won’t be easy, as the pirate and his true love buried the body quite deep.
In the Emerald City, looking for love in all the wrong places but still dreaming of happily ever afters,
– Robb