It dawned on me yesterday that some people don’t seem to know the Break Up Rules. Yes, there is a set of rules, albeit unwritten ones, about how and when to break up.
Yes, men have given break ups a lot of thought over the ages. There’s something of an art to it, as well as science. It must be timed and executed correctly. If it’s not, the results could be what we commonly refer to as an “ugly scene.”
Let’s start with the basics here. No guy worth his salt breaks up in a text message. That’s just cold. Now, it could be said that if you had a casual dating relationship of say less than two months and it began online, you could conceivably break up via Facebook chat, especially if you’re a little worried that she could go postal on you in a face to face. It’s never advisable to break up with a crazy girl in person. And yes, I have had some experience in this.
Timing is also a big issue. Guys typically won’t schedule a break up between Halloween and New Years. It’s the holidays, and no guy really wants to be the kind of guy who has ruined Christmas or Thanksgiving because he gave a girl the old heave-ho the day before. Instead, it’s best to wait until right after the new year. It’s time to make a fresh start anyway and you don’t want to get too close to Feb. 14, or you’ll have to once again postpone the break up and go through the Valentine’s Day motions, pretending you’re still “all in” when all you want to do is “get out.”
I should mention that there is an exception to the holidays rule. If your girlfriend comes out of nowhere and lets you know that you’ll get a chance to meet the family this year, break up now. Inevitably the family will grill you about setting a date and then there’s all that pressure about presents and a ring under the tree. No man should have to endure that, especially one in break up mode.
The actual break up speech, well, that has a set of rules, too. You want to try to avoid letting your soon to be ex-girlfriend know that you’re dating her sister, or brother. It’s not wise to bring your new girlfriend with you when you’re going to do the deed either. It can get kind of messy. And no, I don’t have experience with this.
Be sure that you don’t call your soon-to-be-ex by your new girlfriend’s name either. I did this once. It was a simple slip of the tongue. Believe me, this does not go over well.
Yes, it’s O.K. to use the “it’s not you, it’s me,” angle in the break up. She won’t believe anything you say anyway, so why not take the self-blaming route. It won’t make her feel better by saying that you found that you’re attracted to men; she will just try to change your mind with a wild night in the sack. On second thought, that isn’t such a bad route to go.
Of course, location comes into play. As we all know, you never want to break up in a public place. The mall is not a good place to break up, neither is a restaurant. You also don’t want to do it at her house; she has sharp knives in the kitchen that lies between the break up spot and the front door. Plus you just never know if she has a gun.
Far better to do the deed in a neutral place. A car is not optimal. The confined space and electric locks can get problematic and prevent a clean getaway. And yes, I have some experience in this regard. If you must break up in a car, be sure you’re in the driver’s seat, not the passenger seat. You’re asking for trouble if she is at the wheel.
If you’re going to break up, don’t go out on a normal date before the big moment. First, it’s a total waste of your money as you’re not going to get laid afterwards, unless perhaps you play the gay card (see above). Plus there’s the whole awkwardness of talking about your future together when the future is going to be over in another hour or so.
It’s best to just cut your losses here. In an ideal setting, you want to break up with a girl after the new year but before Valentine’s Day unless her birthday falls somewhere in between. If that is the case, then fake a business trip until after the 14th, then break up, unless of course, her birthday falls in March or April. May is a good time to break up, unless you’re in the northern states, as the weather can force you to go inside. It’s best to break up outdoors as there are more escape routes. But don’t do the break up on the front steps after a date. Especially if it’s her front steps.
It’s best to ask the girl out on a break up date instead. When you call to ask her out, tell her that “we need to talk.” Women know that this is a sign that there is a problem because men don’t talk. She will know that something is up here. She may even ask you outright if you’re going to break up with her. The rule book recommends a little white lie for the same reason that it’s not appropriate to text a break up. It should be done in person. Just tell her that you’ve had some things on your mind and want to clear the air. She will know what’s coming, trust me.
And there you have it. Yes, there are more rules, such as not breaking up during sex or moving all your stuff out of the house while she’s at work. But quite frankly, I don’t have time to cover them all; the moving truck is here.
In the Emerald City, looking for the packing tape,
– Robb