An episode in my life over the weekend reminded me that I had somehow lost the wisdom bestowed upon me by The Four Agreements. If you don’t know these four basic guidelines about how to live your life, you should.
They are so simple, yet so vital to the lives we lead:
- Be impeccable with your Word. Basically, say what you mean. Don’t use words that hurt you or others and don’t gossip.
- Don’t take anything personally. What others say and do has nothing to do with you. It’s their opinions and actions; you don’t have to be a victim of them. It’s their thing, not yours.
- Don’t make assumptions. Avoid misunderstandings by communicating clearly with others. Ask questions, don’t make judgements and express what you really want.
- Always do your best. I have to say this is the best one. Given the time, resources, whatever, always do your best every single moment. It frees you from regret.
Pretty simple, huh? I try to live by these as best I can in my personal and professional life. I don’t always make it. After all, I am imperfect. We all are. While we like to think we get out of school after 12 or so years, we don’t. We are being schooled all of our lives and we need to learn the lessons that life must teach us. There’s no avoiding them. If you think you can “cut class” in life, you’re delusional. Somewhere down the road, the universe’s schoolmaster will kick you in the teeth when you least expect it.
I certainly got a lesson in this over the weekend. I had an epic brain fart when it came to making assumptions. Thankfully, it wasn’t a huge error, certainly not like some of the assumptions that I have made in my past. And it provided another huge learning opportunity for me.
I won’t go into all the details because it’s personal. Suffice it to say that in the past this assumption would have cost me dearly. I would have been quick to assess the situation, make a sweeping statement based on my perception of the facts or foolish desire to control the situation and outcome, and the whole matter would have blown up in my face. I would dig a deep hole and jump in it with both feet, only to find that the other party (the recipient of my errant assumption), would have no other choice but to bury me in it.
Making an assumption about what someone else thinks, believes or is, is a fool’s errand. And yet, we seem to love to do it over and over again, even though it only triggers our own self-destruct button.
That’s exactly what I did over the weekend. I made an assumption. Something was said and in a moment of uncertainty and risk aversion, I made an assumption about what was meant.
Now, thankfully, this misplaced assumption leads to a happy ending later in this story, largely because as I’ve gotten older, I have learned to be impeccable with my word. I immediately apologized for my statement. Thankfully, my friend is highly evolved and readily accepted my apology without further comment. We simply moved on.
While we love to complicate our lives, especially our relationships, it’s amazing how simple and powerful these four agreements can be. For instance, I know there are some people in this world who don’t exactly think highly of me right now. In the past, I would be consumed by these ill feelings toward me, or what I might perceived as being ill feelings. I would become filled with self doubt, angst, anxiety and end up feeling pretty worthless.
When I finally realized that I didn’t have to take anything personally – that the reality of others is not my reality – it was so freeing. I no longer had to literally sell my soul to be liked. I could instead choose to live life authentically and if people didn’t like me, judged me or gossiped about me behind my back, it was none of my concern. I didn’t have to care anymore.
The same is true about always doing your best. So simple. I used to curse the world for the fact that it seemed to be conspiring against me from time to time, preventing me from doing my best. And then I realized that while the world is indeed unfair at times, as long as I always do my best, I don’t have to worry about the outcome. Whether it’s a project at work or a relationship with a friend or significant other, all I could ever expect of me is to do my very best, given the limitations I was given. It’s a very black and white existence. Did I do my best or didn’t I? That’s it. So simple yet so powerful.
Granted, I am not always good at living by these four agreements. I founder on occasion, such as my pithy reply to a text this past weekend. I was afraid of being hurt, so I just assumed what the other person meant.
Of course, I was wrong. A day later it was all resolved in about five minute’s time once we were face to face. And the outcome was far better than I had hoped. In fact, it was a 180-degree turn from what I had so readily assumed.
I think if we take the time to look at the world we have created, we will find that these four simple agreements can greatly improve our life. We can stop looking at the glass as half or almost empty, and realize that it’s only that way because we chose it to be. We can totally take the pressure off ourselves and others in our lives if we simply let go a bit and quit trying to control every single aspect of our existence, twisting and turning others to meet our needs rather than simply being impeccable with our own words and actions and letting the chips fall where they may.
This weekend sure reminded me of this fact. Thankfully, the universe only needed to give me a glancing blow rather than a real kick in the teeth in its effort to remind me of what is most important in my life: happiness, love and peace.
In the Emerald City, finally in agreement,
– Robb