At work recently I’ve been involved in a huge project. It’s one of those lean exercises, one that if it works and is fully embraced, can change the way our department in Washington’s government works.
I am usually a big naysayer when it comes to things like this. I’ve seen it all before, and the results have always been haphazard, lackluster or even counterproductive each time. My famous example was at Associated Grocers. Art Jones, the second in command, decided that we should have a new initiative to spur productivity. It was typical misguided management, and I will never forget coming to work one day with a big banner across the ledge of the upper story in the lobby that proudly proclaimed: “It begins with me.”
Why was this so unforgettable? Well, behind the banner was a life-sized Santa Claus. I’m not sure if anyone connected the two, but I couldn’t help but think, “Oh, I get it. It begins with Santa Claus.”
While the outcome of this state effort is unknown, I did have a great takeaway from it that I have since adapted to my real life. That is the concept of co-creation, or in the vernacular of our state work: co-create.
There are three basic ways to convey information or decisions: tell, test and co-create. The first is obvious. You tell employees what was decided. The second is to test the information and get input before locking everything in. The final method is to create it together, co-create.
It dawned on me a few days ago that this is powerful stuff, particularly in the area of relationships. I have always wanted to have extraordinary relationships with my children and my significant other. As noted, I am attending a three-day event where this (along with a lot of other life-changing things, I’m told), will be a main focus.
The work is already well underway. I was told this happens, that you sign up for this event – and the process starts. Sure enough – BANG! – it did. The next day, in fact.
I don’t have all the answers, of course. But I have stumbled onto this idea of co-create, which comes from my working world.
Every relationship is unique. The one between you and another person has never existed before and never will again in the history of mankind. The ones you had before aren’t really very relevant unless you keep wanting to relish in them. They were unique too, but they aren’t like the one you’re building now or in the future, because you co-create a relationship each time.
You can, of course, co-create using the same patterns you used in the past. The outcome may even be entirely different too, because you have the variables of the other person in the mix. In other words, they bring something to the party just as much as you do.
But you can also choose to co-create anew. You can take an entirely different path in your relationship, working with the other person to create something neither of you have had before. It is a bold undertaking, largely because you’re not only creating a new relationship, but a new you in a relationship.
This is not a bad thing. It is, however, hard work because it’s easy to slip back into your old relationship patterns. Maybe it wasn’t the relationship at all last time; but what you were willing to bring into it. You were in the relationship, but you weren’t there in the relationship. You weren’t all-in, to use a gambling term. You always had that secret stash of chips hidden under the table, and even though you had a killer hand for the first time in your life, you were still willing to cut and run because you just didn’t want to risk it all.
I’ve been there. I’ve played the safe hand. But I’ve never gone all-in.
Now, get your mind out of the gutter here for a moment. I know it’s tempting, but let’s just roll with this for a moment.
To co-create you first need to be present in the moment. No dwelling on the past, no carrying assumptions and preconceptions into the here and now, no holding back. You need to be open to all the possibilities, and not close a door just because you are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with what might be behind it. You need to be all-in.
Am I there yet? Hell no! I don’t think you ever can be. By its very nature co-creating a great relationship requires you both to work at it constantly. You are always in learning mode and often totally out of your comfort zone, discovering new things about you, your partner and your relationship.
I go back to my analogy of the sailing ships. Sure, you can have a relationship where you both have your own sailboats. You are captains of your own destinies. You may even tie the lines between the two boats tightly to one another so they hold fast. But there are always two boats.
When you co-create, you’re not even on one boat yet. Instead, you’re building the boat together from scratch. Even though it isn’t finished yet, you can still hop aboard and sail it together, but you’ll always be building it. It’s the boat that is never complete and both of you are thrilled that there’s always work to do on it to keep it shipshape.
Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong in the past. I was happy to jump aboard someone else’s boat or invite them aboard mine. Sure, we’d take turns at the helm, but it was always their boat or mine. Never ours, never one we built together, each contributing to its design, construction and maintenance.
I know. Good stuff. And I’m excited about this idea of co-creating a relationship. Not only the satisfaction and promise of a happily ever after, but joy in the process itself, not knowing ultimately what it all looks like in the end, and hoping that it is never, ever completed.
In the Emerald City where it’s smooth sailing so far,
– Robb