Television commercials have sure changed over the years. I suppose it hasn’t been an overnight kind of change; change rarely occurs with such speed. Still, I’m not quite sure how we went from commercials with jingles we still can sing this day to ones that celebrate butt odor.
Butt odor? We’ll get to that in a moment. First, let’s look at the commercials themselves. Now, I’m not going to revel and roll in nostalgia about the good old days. I don’t really think that television commercials are worth that kind of time and effort.
I can say, however, that commercials in the 60s and 70s actually knew how to sell a product. The product’s name was mentioned seven to nine times in the space of 30 seconds (60 seconds when commercials first aired in the 50s), and they were memorable, if for no other reason than they were witty, crafty or had a hook.
A hook? You might remember some of them. Like the old Hertz commercial. Their campaign was so catchy – “Let Hertz put you in the driver’s seat” – which always ended with the driver floating in midair, slowly lowering into the seat of his shiny new convertible rental. Or the Texaco commercial where you could trust your car to the many who wears the star, the big, bright Texaco star.
Even Toys R Us knew how to do a commercial. All I have to do is say these magic words, “I don’t want to grow up, I’m a Toys R Us kid” and you can probably finish the rest. And let’s not even mention “Plop, plop, fizz fizz…” or “Where’s the beef?”
Notice that I didn’t even have to mention the products in the last two examples. You already know. These ads worked and work even years later because they were so well done and so creative.
Fast forward to today. I’ve already railed about the crappy car commercials where you can’t even tell if the damned thing is a Chevy or a Ford. All you see is images of the car, cruising through the city or in the country, or flying off the top of a commuter train and magically landing in a parking lot so the occupants aren’t late to a meeting. There’s no mention of the name of the car or the brand of the automobile company that made it until the very, very end, at which time we have totally lost interest. Fellini fans must love this sh**, but it’s not advertising.
I must say that the latest entries into the foray are memorable, but for entirely different reasons. My son and I were watching the Bio channel last week when a Trojan commercial came on. The couple was talking about ending their work day, taking off their shoes and then just about everything else so they could get it on in the sack.
You’d expect this to be a condom commercial, no shock there. Instead, it is for a new kind of vibrator, the Twister, with its three-position head and endless pleasure potential.
I am hardly a prude when it comes to sex, but it left me a little uncomfortable, if only because I am watching this with my 15 1/2 year old son. I’m sure he knows what it’s all about, but we don’t usually talk about accessorization in any sex talks we have. I was so glad that it came and went without too much angst on my part. Well, at least until it showed three more times during the same hour.
Do we really need to advertise vibrators on television before 10 p.m.? I’m just not sure it’s necessary. I understand that there are so many cable channels these days that they will take nearly any buy and show any commercial to make the bottom line work. But vibrators? Really? What’s next? Swings and riding crops?
The fine folks at Cottonelle have managed to kick it up a notch or two. If you’re not aware of the brand, Cottonelle makes toilet paper. Yes, a pretty pedestrian commodity to most, yet it does touch our lives regularly and many consumers profess a preference for one brand or another.
Cottonelle is pretty good stuff. As its name implies, it feels a lot like cotton when you’re rubbing your bum. It is the brand of choice in my own home, if only because I can get 500 rolls of it at Costco for something like five bucks.
You’d think they would leave well enough alone, counting their blessings that they have a nice share of the butt wiping market.
But no! Yesterday, Cherry Healey appears on my TV, talking about what was once unspeakable: butt odor. She’s a lively British lass (I guess no aspiring American actress wanted to be the spokesperson for smelly butts), and she stars in an entire campaign to promote the company’s Fresh Care Flushable Wipes & Cleansing Cloths.
Cherry is also lighting up Facebook with her Let’s Talk About Your Bum page. And people are actually talking. While 350,000 people have Liked the page, more than a thousand people are actually talking about their smelly butts.
I would be hard pressed to post about any smelly butt I have. I think some things should remain private. I see that lots of moms pretend that it’s all about their son’s or daughter’s smelly butts, but we know this is the old “I have this friend…” routine.
It’s not all fun and games on the page. Well, it is. They even have a snowflake made out of – wait for it – toilet tissue tubes. I bet you thought I was going to make a smelly butt joke or say poop, but this RobZerrvation is already in the toilet, so I don’t need to take a crack at more bathroom humor. That would be a crappy thing for me to do.
I can only imagine where commercials are going in the future. I’m sure it won’t be long before we’re seeing commercials for adult diapers and incontinence medications. What? They’re already on TV? Oops, never mind then.
In the Emerald City, wiping all my problems away,
– Robb