I have decided that it’s time to once again put forth my idea for a holiday. With time, I expect it will become the most popular holiday on the planet, even outstripping Christmas, mostly because the gifts are given to you and you don’t have to offer any in return.
Intrigued, aren’t you?
National Dump On Robb Day was actually conceived many years ago. It was at a time in my life when my ex-whatevers, ex-brothers and ex-coworkers were trying to blame me for everything in their lives. I think at one time even total strangers would stop me in the street to blame me for their troubles.
I discovered then that I am the convenient dumping ground for nearly everyone’s troubles. “I’m fat because of you.” “I drink too much because of you.” “I was late to work today because of you.” “My life is ruined, all because of you.”
And there the opportunity presented itself. With National Dump on Robb Day, you can blame me for absolutely everything that is wrong in your life. I will have a toll-free line, 1-800-BLA-MEME, a website, www.blamerobb.com and a bank of third world customer reps who will field your blames and accept them on my behalf.
Imagine how convenient that is. Sure, you could go to confession (if you’re Catholic) and the priest will give you a long list of Hail Marys and Our Fathers to do. With me, there’s none of it. No prayers, no acts of contrition, no “Bless me Robb for I have sinned.” On National Dump On Robb Day you can’t be blamed because it’s all my fault. I will be a blame sponge for you, ready to soak up everything that’s wrong in your life.
As you can see, this is going to be one popular holiday. You get the ultimate gift – lack of fault – for anything you can think of. Car has a flat tire? I did it. Your life sucks? I’m to blame. Wonder why you ever got married? It was my idea. Your son eats too much? I talked him into it.
Beautiful in its simplicity, bold in its vision, National Dump On Robb Day will be a godsend to our world. Suddenly, all your woes, all your hate, all your guilt and all your problems vanish because it is all my doing.
Didn’t get laid last night? Sorry, my fault. I was with your wife/girlfriend/cousin/etc.
Didn’t get the bonus you thought you would? It went to me instead and I didn’t even really deserve it.
The community festival sucked? Sorry that I rained on your parade.
Car didn’t start? I disconnected the whatcha-callit. I didn’t know it would cost you $350 to get it fixed.
As you can readily see, National Dump On Robb Day fills a very important role in our society. It can even heal relationships. You spouse isn’t to blame for the dishes still being in the sink. It’s my fault. The toilet seat is still up? Wasn’t him. I forgot to put it down.
It may even heal some international wounds. I can easily take the blame for us being bogged down in Afghanistan in an unwinnable war. I think our current and past president would gladly call the toll free Dump On Robb hotline. I could take responsibility for our national debt. I’m sure I forgot to pay the bill. Is there a late charge for that?
There are, however, a few exclusions. While I would love to accept responsibility for your teenage daughter’s pregnancy, I’m already paying child support elsewhere. Won’t even go there. If you just murdered your wife, sorry, can’t take the blame for that either. The idea of jail scares the bejeebies out of me.
I’m sure there are some other exclusions as well. I’ll be sure to add them to the disclaimers on the website before the holiday rolls around.
Just know that they are few and far between. After all, I want you to be able to blame me for as much as you can on this very special day.
Can you save them all up during the year and use them on National Dump On Robb Day? You bet. My ex-whatevers have been doing that all along. I’m still being blamed for their failed lives now. At least with the holiday I could make some money off their incessant blame game.
It took me a while to come up with the date for National Dump On Robb Day. I originally thought the end of the year would be good, but it’s already pretty packed, what with Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I thought of making it my first anniversary date, Sept. 9, but that was kind of selfish. It was, however, when all this blaming began.
I finally settled on Jan. 2. There will be a lot of blame to go around that day. First, it’s the day after New Years and there will be plenty of blame still going around: I had too much to drink, why did I sleep with you, why did you sleep with her and why I still married/dating you. Plus there’s all the resolutions that were made that will never come to pass. Why waste a month or two failing in your hollow promises when you can just blame me for not getting enough exercise, eating too much or not making enough money right now?
I think it’s the perfect day. You can save all your issues up from the previous year, add in all your New Years angst and failed resolutions and call the toll free number or be conveniently absolved online at www.blamerobb.com. All for just $9.95 for the first three minutes.
Not enough time? Trust me, you can do a lot of blaming in three minutes. If blaming was an OIympic sport I think most of us would agree that our significant others would be gold medalists.
Out on the Treasure Coast, ready to accept to accept all the blame (like I’ve doing most of my adult life),
— Robb