I have been happier than I have ever been in my life. I know this because a few days ago I was watching Glee and the teacher, Mr. Shue, remarked during a phone call that for the first time in his life, he was “completely happy.”
I burst into tears. Well, not full-on tears, but a wisp of a tear did well up in the corner of one eye. Ordinarily I would have attributed this to an unexpected onset of allergies, but I know this wasn’t the case. I am just truly, completely happy for the first time in my life.
I didn’t really know this stuff could happen in the real world. Oh sure, I have met others along the way who have appeared to have achieved this level of happiness in their life, finding the right balance that allows you to be who you are while being part of something bigger, all without the use of mind altering drugs.
I just never could seem to get the mix right. I often thought I was pretty close, but my priorities never seemed to be in the right order. I would choose pirates over the one I was with, or the band over who I was with, or my friends over the one who I was with, or…
I suppose that should have been a clear sign that I was in the wrong place with the wrong person, and maybe even the wrong time. Instead of just calling a spade a spade, I would dance all around it, pretending I was in the relationship when I wasn’t, making up lame excuses, or simply having a blank look on my face that should have been very, very telling, if the other party took even a moment to notice.
Before I go on, let me be clear here. It was never the other person who made me happy, any more than a job could make me happy or a house I lived in. That’s all just smoke and mirrors.
The hard lesson I had to learn along the way is that you can’t make anyone else happy and they can’t make you happy. You have to not only like yourself, but love yourself fully and unconditionally before you can ever hope to like and love someone else. Without loving who you really are, with all your perfect imperfections, you can’t possibly find true happiness.
I seem to have, as you well know. It’s like waking up in the light of day and seeing the sun for the first time after being caught up in a world of total darkness, interrupted only by an occasional partial eclipse. The light of day is blindingly different, and you know in your heart of hearts that you can never return to the darkness again.
With the light comes a new view of the world, however. When I was in the darkness, some of those partial eclipses were little slivers of light that seemed like they were fun, interesting, symbiotic or even kindred spirits. I guess they were, when I was in the dark.
But now that I’ve seen the light, and found a level of happiness that I have never known (again, this is not about a single person or event), these partial eclipses that are still occurring around me are more pestilence than promise.
They have begun to rub me the wrong way. Not because they have magically changed. But I have. Suddenly, some of the things I used to put up with – the naysayers, the drama queens, the snake oil salesmen and so-called friends – have become burrs in my britches.
Why? Well, I wasn’t really sure. At least not until a day or so ago. I was on the road and with nothing else to do on a long drive, I let my mind go on a little road trip of its own. It was on this journey that I had this epiphany.
We all know the old saw that misery loves company. We love to revel in misery with someone else. If they are too happy in their own place, then we want to take them down a notch or two. We want them to be miserable too, or at least not so happy. I guess we do this because we want to feel better about our own lives, figuring that since there’s no way we can reach this level of happiness, peace and joy, no one else should either.
But once you see the light, you realize that these people you associate with or the situations you are in don’t have a place in your life anymore. They only drag back to the darkness.
As such, they become the source of great irritation. Sure, they may have been mildly irritating on their own back when you were in the darkness. But you were there and so were they, so it wasn’t so bad. But once you step into the light of a day filled with complete happiness and the serenity that comes with it, these people, events or situations can become a real pain in the you know what.
I only realized this because some things have started bugging me about where I am and who I expending energy on. Originally I just wanted to fire a broadside at them, hoping to clarify my own needs or point out the folly of their actions, activities and attitudes.
Then I realized that none of it mattered. There was no way to bring any of these people or things into the light. They were of the darkness, forever locked in a place that I could not and do not want to return to. As such, I am left with a very simple choice; to let them go and move forward with my own life.
It’s a very freeing experience, something that becomes relatively easy once you get your priorities straight, find out what’s important in your life, and find the complete happiness everyone should enjoy at some point in their life.
In the Emerald City, cleaning out the closet with the burned out light,
– Robb